I’m too overwhelmed

[lostonmyown]

Hi everyone.

My first post on here so sorry if I ramble!

I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) He’s a lot older than me. I moved in with him (detail removed by moderator) after a breakdown with my family due to complex issues (I’ve now been estranged from my family, no contact at all for a year and a half). My partner had a diagnosis of anti social personality disorder. He had a long criminal record and living with him is like walking on egg shells.

He is physically, emotionally, verbally and at times financially abusive but when we get on we get on brilliantly. He smokes cannabis, he says it helps his mental health, I say it makes him more paranoid and aggressive. He also has a lot of threatening behaviour- some of the threats he has made are unbelievable.

My mental health is suffering. If have precious trauma and as a result have anxiety and PTSD. I don’t really see my friends anymore or have a proper night out because he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it when I’m at work and he doesn’t like it when I go to Uni or have to do my uni work. The emotional abuse has caused me so much hatred and makes me feel like a horrible person. He accuses me of abusing him, triggering his personality disorder but I don’t see how I abuse him but maybe I am I don’t know (detail removed by moderator)
We live in a rented flat, I’m not on the tenancy and I don’t know how many times (detail removed) he has threatened/actually kicked me out. There have been times when I could have moved out, but then he says I can come back and I go back and then the abuse and control will start not long after.

(detail removed) Today, I’ve realised that I’m stupid for staying with him for so long. I’m terrified of him and he makes me so anxious. But I love him. Like I said when we get on, we’re brilliant and he gives me so much love and affection which I’ve never really had in my life before.

I don’t know how to leave. Finding somewhere new to live is really difficult for me. I’m a student, most landlords don’t trust students even though I work full time and two I don’t have a guarantor. Most young people my age would have their parents to act as a guarantor, I don’t. So I feel stuck like I can’t get out of this situation and I don’t know what to do but I know that I don’t want to be with him anymore. That’s my feeling now though and I just hope it doesn’t change like it has done so many times because this isn’t healthy and I’m slowly recognising that. For months friends have said its toxic and abusive, I haven’t listened and I hate myself. To make things more complicated, I have a little dog now and I don’t know how Ill bring her with me if I leave but then I don’t trust him with her. Another complication is finance if I was to move out I don’t know how I’d cope with everything on my own.

I just need some advice about how to get out and leave and try to find somewhere new to live and advice on how to try to keep the thought that he’s abusing me and not that he loves me and that it’ll change. I just can’t imagine leaving and him not holding or me again and not seeing him again my head is just a mess I’m sorry.

I’ve tried phoning 2 helplines, the main 24/7 one and my local one and haven’t gotten through to speak to anyone.

There’s so much more to it but I’d be writing too much.
Please help thank you x

[Escapee]

Hi 😊

Firstly, well done for reaching out and welcome to this wonderful group of supportive women.

The helplines – they are always busy. If you leave your contact number and a time when it’s safe they will get back to you.

If you’re in danger (which it does sound like you are) you could ask to go to a refuge – you will be safe there and they can help you with the next steps.

Also, the university has a duty of care to you. They should help you too.

I know you can’t say how old you are but if you’re a mature student working full-time, you don’t need to declare that you’re a student and rent just as a single person if you earn enough to cover the rent.

The best and strongest advice I could give is though is to speak to WA and the university.

It all sounds so inadequate, I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug. Stay strong and phone the helpline. X*x

[Hetty]

Contact every possible letting agent. I’m sure there’ll be someone out there who can assist in some way. Maybe if you agreed to pay so much up front you wouldn’t need a guarantor. Is there a friend who could assist?
Make a financial plan. Speak to citizens advice bureau about options if you have debts or whatever. Think about selling some stuff to raise some money. Don’t tell him what you’re doing. Tell him you’re having a clear out.
Look into ways of boosting your credit rating – have a look online.
Make a list of all your barriers and brain storm ideas to overcome them, no matter how wild.
Stay calm and start exploring your exit plan. Just one step at a time to stop it from feeling overwhelming.
If you’re physically not safe speak with WA and get a short term contingency plan. X

[Author]

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