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My boyfriend has shown emotionally abusive tendencies for a few years now. He has been unemployed for over a year, forcing us to move back in with my parents. I am growing sick and tired of his ways but I just don’t know how to get out. He doesn’t really have any family so if I ended it he would have nowhere to go, and I can’t deal with that pressure and responsibility. But everyday now I am thinking to myself I do not want to be in this relationship. My relationship with my parents is suffering because he keeps me trapped in my room and if I leave him for more than an hour he gives me the silent treatment. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
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Hi there, abusers trap us deliberately through Fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s a FOG that traps us. He is not your responsibility or that of your parents. He carefully chooses his behaviour. Manipulating as he goes along draining you emotionally. If he wasn’t abusive you would simply walk away. That’s no reason to stay. Talk to your local women’s aid. Ring the helpline number. Abusers are dangerous when we end the relationship so be very careful.
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Hi you can’t stay locked up in your room forever, could you say something like, my parents have said we have to spend time with them as it’s not healthy being cooped up in my room all the time, it’s also very rude. Get them onside with this. Punishing you with the silent treatment is classic, what you could do, is walk away when he acts like a spoilt child sulking til he gets what he wants. ‘Your undivided attention.’ If he’s doing this in your family home I can just imagine what life will be like when you get your own place, you will eventually stop seeing your parents altogether, as he will make up some story about how much they hate him, they don’t like you being with him and to prove he’s wrong you’ll spend more and more time with him.
Please speak to someone at women’s aid and or your parents. Are your mum and dad the type of people to be able to tell him to go, to take the responsibility to breaking up his hold on you. Your right to not want to live like this, and experience tells us on here, it will only get worse. It’s not about him NOT having a job or no-one around him for somewhere to go, he must have had a life before you, unless he latches onto one girl after another, but they are his choices. Nothing you say or do will make him love you, respect you and protect you the way you should be. Who protects us from the monsters, certainly not the monsters themselves. I pray you find the courage to face telling him it’s over, and to be able to stay away from him. Think of him as an emotional vampire. If your life is revolved around doing and saying things to make our keep him happy, that’s abusive behaviour. Take care sweetheart. There’s always someone on here to chat to, to vent your frustrations to.
Love and best wishes IWMB 💕💕-
Hi, thanks so much for the reply. My parents are kind and understanding people, much like myself, and think he is an angel as they do not know what happens behind closed doors. He is currently giving me the silent treatment AGAIN and I’m unsure why. I just do not know how to say “I think it’s over”. The sad part is, he’s not the person I fell in love with. He’s changed so much over the years and I feel like I’m holding on to the hope he will change back to how he was, but deep down I know I deserve better and he’s holding me back from so much.
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The best way to deal with the silent treatment is to ignore him completely. He gets a kick out of you racking your brain as to what you’ve done, and then ending up apologising or begging him to just talk to you. We automatically presume it’s something we’ve done and by giving him your undivided attention, putting yourself through torment plays right into his reality. It is a form of punishment for some slight he feels you’ve done to him. Later on no doubt he’ll want to have sex, where he’ll declare how much you mean to him and how he finds it hard to share you with others. This can be a way of getting him away from you but it isn’t easy. Saying you’re fed up with his games, the silent treatment isn’t enough, you have to let him know there’s consequences to his bad behaviour and be prepared to follow them through.
Are your parents fully and totally aware of what he’s doing to you because without total honesty, he will play the victim and try and get them onside. And we all know, that you can’t fight against them all plus he will find other ways to punish you if you try to end it but back down. Think of what you want from life, not what he wants. It’s lovely sharing your life with someone, having shared dreams but when you start compromising on your dreams and hopes to make someone else happy, that’s when you begin to really lose yourself. I put my oh’s needs and wants before mine,before my children’s. I was happy when he was happy. Now even when he’s happy, i can’t be, I’m accused of all sorts when I’m happy as if I’m doing or have done something i shouldn’t.
I truly hope you can get him out of your life, you deserve to have a carefree life, not be scared and jumping at shadows, afraid to say or do something in case it upsets him. Try and contact womens aid, they can give you safe advice on how to get him out of your life. Best wishes sweetheart. You’re worth so much more than this. 💜💜
IWMB 💕💕
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Hi each,
I too struggle with the notion that my abuaer used to be so lovely to me. In fact for the first several years of our relationship he made me feel so very special. It was the first time in my life that I knew/felt that I was loved and cherished. It was having experienced such wonderful feelings for so long that kept my eyes closed to his abuse for years. I thought that if the love wasn’t genuine it would have only lasted a few months before the abuse began and not the several years that it did. I have finally had to accept that the wonderful ‘love’ period that I so desperately wanted back was not real, it can’t have been can it because if it was then the vile shaming and humiliating names that he calls me with such vitriol wouldnt come out of his mouth would they and especially not when he see’s what those names do to me. I have never ever heard him call anyone else the names he calls me or even anything in the same league. It hurts so much to realise that those names are reserved purely for me. It hurts so very very much but I know that in the long term it won’t hurt as much as staying and allowing him to completely remove my dignity and self respect x -
Hi, It took me a few years to get my abusive husband out of my house because I kept thinking about how he’d be out on the street and have nowhere to go. Years whilst he treated me like the thing stuck to the bottom of his shoe, but not that nicely.
We separated into different bedrooms and I offered to help him find somewhere and look for a job etc. He wasn’t going anywhere and he continued to feed off me, steal from me, have the heating, tv etc. on day and night that I paid for etc. etc.
He’s gone now, because the police removed him. I am so much happier than I have been for a long, long time.
He is on the streets, and came knocking here during a storm one night. I called the police and got him removed again. He’s only on the streets because he refuses to accept help from the various agencies the police tell me, he is probably loving playing the martyr. I don’t really know, I have zero contact.
Get him removed. He has no rights to live in that house, and he has absolutely no right to treat you that way. You deserve to be free and happy. If he ends up homeless, it will be because of his actions, not yours.
ER x
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