I'm worried my neighbour is stalking me

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I left my abusive ex a few years ago and have been trying to recover from that nightmare ever since. It feels like I take one step forward and twenty steps back. I’ve been struggling with depression and PTSD a lot this year but trying to just take it day by day, go for a walk, keep my home clean and tidy etc.

One thing that is stressing me out and making me angry is that I have this weird neighbour who I’m starting to worry is stalking me. When I first moved in he appeared at his window several times asking if he could help me move my things in and of course I said no because that would be giving a strange unknown man access to my home. Unfortunately since then he constantly appears whenever I go for a walk, go out of my house, get into or out of my car. He doesn’t seem to have a job and has a dog who he constantly seems to take for walks so from what I can gather he walks up and down the road multiple times a day.

He appears at all times of day and night including once at 11pm he appeared behind me when I was getting home. It gave me a such a fright and was totally inappropriate of him, like what was he doing walking around the road at that time for no reason?

For ages I ignored him but it didn’t seem to deter him so then I started saying a terse ‘hi’ in the hope he would stop but that just seems to encourage him.

Recently he gave me a fright when I was waiting for my (nice female) neighbour to answer the door and his head suddenly appeared above our gate and he said hi. I was so taken aback that he had appeared yet again and I found myself saying ‘oh hi’ but I wish I hadn’t said anything, it just came out of my mouth (female socialisation to always be polite to everyone).

I am absolutely fuming like he violated my boundary by appearing at the gate giving me a shock. I never see any of my other neighbours apart from the lady next door and him. He doesn’t even live on my road but he is constantly around here. My neighbour said she thinks he has some cognitive issues as he tried to kiss her on the street. I am much more cynical after experiencing abuse and stalking and think he’s a classic abuser playing the victim. He gives me the creeps and makes me feel extremely angry and violated. Even if he does have cognitive issues that’s no excuse to keep violating women’s boundaries.

I moved here to get away from my horrible ex and need it to be a safe haven. I’m going to get some more fencing to give me more privacy but his place is in a location that means he can see my place. I am worried that he monitors my lights or my shower or something because I have no idea how he always just appears? It seems too much of a coincidence.

I just wish these awful men would leave us alone, I am sick of having to deal with them. I had a stalker years ago when I was studying. They are disgusting despicable human beings and I wish the police would deal with them much more swiftly and harshly because they make women’s lives a misery. Every time I go out to my car I worry about seeing him.

Should I just literally ignore him like pretending to be deaf? I’m thinking if I was a big 6’5 bloke he wouldn’t keep saying hi to me would he. One glare from a big bloke and he would not say hi again.

I have thought about going to the police but they weren’t very good when I reported my ex (they used a mental health diagnosis against me) so I’m worried they’d say I was wasting their time because he could just be seen as a ‘friendly neighbour who says hi’ and imply I’m overreacting.

Alternatively I could say to him ‘Stop talking to me, if you continue I will call the police.’

I just want him to stop appearing all the time and talking to me, I want to be left alone.

Looking forward to hearing your advice, thank you in advance.

[diymum@1]

id write down whats happened to date and keep a journal from there. i would also ask the police to go round to his house to ask him to stay away or you could ask politely but firmly that he stops this. if he dosent stop and your feeling harassed/stalked id take this further with the police. it is there duty to sort this out xx if he kept on the council could perhaps intervene? not sur if its a private house. very tricky if he does have cognitive impairment but if your feeling violated he may still be issued with a warning or even asbo xx nightmare these awful men

much love diymum

[Anonymous]

I too would advise keeping a written note of times, dates and things that he does. I would make my feelings to him very clear (maybe take your nice female neighbour with you for safety and moral support) – let him know in no uncertain terms that you do not appreciate his behaviour. If nothing changes then i would call 101 and report it to the police and see if they could have a word with him.

Keep coming on here and chatting to us as well,

TTMO

[HopeLifeJoy]

I would talk with more neighbours to see if they know him to be problematic with them too…maybe he is already known to the police and see what you can do all-together.
My sister had a (detail removed by Moderator) living in her building and he was disturbing everyone so they informed the real estate agency and he got removed from the building by the police, he didn’t leave easily, he wasn’t a well man.
Wishing you good luck, hope you’re safe.

[Iwantmeback]

Be careful around this person. He sounds very like a young man who attacked me in the street years ago. He was known to the police had some sort of issues and hadn’t been taking his meds. Just by saying hi, in their head it’s like okay to lunge at you and try to kiss you or God forbid worse. Definately start journaling, but I’d also have a word with your community officer. He may be known to them like the young man was who attacked me. Boy did I scream that day. Don’t ignore your gut instinct. It’s okay for us start stopping this over friendly behaviour, as you say female conditioning to be nice, polite, to the detriment of our own feelings. Hopefully it’s nothing, but again goes to show how entitled men feel to be able to appear and invade anothers space without thinking how it might affect the other person🤨
Take care, go with your gut
IWMB 💞💞

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks everyone. I’ve decided to stop feeling the need to be ‘nice’ and literally just ignore this man if I see him again. If people think I’m rude then I couldn’t care less, I’m sick of women being told that they need to be nice and polite to weirdoes all the time. Men never get told this and are often rude, hostile and aggressive to annoying people and nobody bats an eyelid.

I’ve also bought some things to help with security for my place so that I’m taking some action. And I’ll keep a log if he keeps trying to talk to me.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, it feels good to have control over your own life doesn’t iut. I’m so proud of you. 💞

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Iwantmeback, I’m so glad to have this community of strong inspiring women 🙂

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