Impacting our son

[Robin]

He was very drunk and called out son a (detail removed by moderator) because he was worried about doing something. The next morning he said he didn’t remember saying it and apologised. He said it very calmly and in a really nasty tone.
Our son is in primary school and although he knows the first word is naughty he doesn’t know how the second word is used . When I asked him how he felt he said he felt better now that daddy had apologised and he then said that it was okay for daddy to shout at him. I told him no, it wasn’t okay for daddy to shout at him, it wasn’t okay for anyone to be like that with him. I’ve told my husband this isn’t to happen again, regardless of drink. How likely is that?
I also found out that my husband had told our son (detail removed by moderator) but I had left because he’d started shouting, criticising and getting physical with me – he didn’t tell our son that. I didn’t know about ‘no contact’ and went back again after a few days, after receiving emails saying we’ll sort it out. He now uses this against me. (detail removed by moderator)
Because my son had said it was okay for his dad to shout I told him that I’d left because daddy had shouted and hurt me – was I right to say this to him? I feel that he needs to know this behaviour isn’t right and tried to tell him at his level – how is it best to talk to children about this?

[Lisa]

Hi Robin,

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry for your situation. Your partner sounds very abusive and his comments to your son are horrible and hurtful. What is positive is that you say that you have left him before and I really hope that you can get some advice and support to leave safely again. Please do try to find a safe time to phone the helpline to talk about your situation. They will not tell you what to do but they can help you to see options that perhaps you haven’t considered. Please also start to quietly get some evidence about his behavior so that if you do decide to end the relationship and you feel that his contact with your son is damaging you can try to restrict the contact.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[fizzylem]

Hi Robin, sounds dreadful for the both of you. Keep a diary and write it all down, write down exactly what was said; gather any evidence you can. Get GP support. Maybe speak with your son’s teacher? Although school haven’t been that much of a support for us if I’m honest mind, apart from arranging some counselling for my daughter, that was good as it helped with the anger; might be different for you?

This is such a tough one, I used to battle with this all the time, the truth of things, because I want openness and honesty in our relationship, but I don’t want to damage her. My daughter worked out for herself that ‘dad was a jerk’, because she also experienced his rage and aggression, she later asked me quite a way down the line if I left him because of this and I was able to say yes. I am hoping this has shown her that being treated this way in unacceptable and its the right thing to do to walk away. I also removed her from his access when he shouted and chastised her and we got to a point where he knew I was being serious about involving other services if it continues, I got it written into our PA that he agreed to not shout and chastise her, and so after years it finally stopped, of course she was fully aware of what was going on and why then.

He told her I booted him out when we split and for years she carried this around and was angry with me, this didn’t come out until much later mind – this was so very damaging, her anger has undoubtedly hindered her development and me as her carer. I think we need to be careful not to apportion blame, its hard to find the words sometimes but it can be done. If you’re struggling in the moment I’ve sometimes found asking a question can help. I try to remember that no matter what he has done she loves him, and while she’s young she needs to feel he’s the best dad in the world, when she’s bigger she will make her own mind up. Shes not daft, she already knows he lies and never keeps his promises. I think its important to say I think this is wrong or not acceptable behaviour when she brings it up, and I use these conversations as a way to get her to express how it leaves her feeling.

Its hard isn’t it – really hard. I’m past feeling angry now that here I am having to pretend hes this great person when with her, I’m happy nowadays to agree, smile or engage in the conversations she wants to have about him. I don’t want her to feel she cant talk about him if she wants to, and I’ve learnt that by doing this it means I am more likely to hear about what goes on when shes with him, the good and the bad and this keeps her safe doesn’t it, because I record everything and I will act if she ever says something where I feel I need to.

I personally think it was very affirming for your son to hear you say no, this was wrong. Hoping you both get away safely. The more evidence you have the better – please do ring the helpline as Lisa suggests, I have also found the local city Refuge a good source of support x

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