Imposter syndrome.

[bov94]

I’m struggling with the concept of my ex being an abuser. I didn’t think he was. I left the relationship after finding out about a huge web of lies, and people have told me the relationship was abusive, and that some of his ongoing behaviours are. I read the posts here and feel all these brave women have been through or are going through far worse than I ever have. I don’t want to label someone an abuser or our relationship abusive if that’s not true. As I write this I am unsure what advice I am asking for, I’m just really struggling with our separation this week, missing him and grieving for what our life should have been and it’s making me question if he’s as ‘bad’ as people are telling me.

We were together many years (talking decades) and have children. He has had mental health issues and I have cared for and supported him. I only found out he had been lying when we lost our home. I’ve lost everything financially as a result of his lies, non payment of bills and pretending to work. The deceit was complicated with forged documents and all sorts. I accept he gaslighted me when I questioned things and ensured I didn’t confide in others by making me believe my or my children’s lives could be as risk.

But there was no violence, no belittling or name calling, no aggression. He was loving to me and the children. They miss him terribly. He is remorseful and wants to reconcile saying he will work hard in therapy but I have told him it’s definitely over. I feel scared I’m making a mistake.

[tryingtosleep]

Hi bov94

I hope you are ok.

Accepting that you were / are in an abusive relationship is hard. Maybe you are just not ready to take this on board yet.

You are being very brave standing up to him. He will try and twist you and your feelings as much as he can and for as long as he can. He has lost control and he wont like it. He will do / say anything to try to regain control.

Try not to have too much contact with him if you can.

I sometimes feel like I am missing / regretting having lost that life. But I know that the person that I miss is no longer there. And there is no going back. He has changed and we have changed.

And it sounds like your ex was not really that person before either – if he was lying to you all that time.

Good luck – you are doing what is best for you and your children.

[bov94]

Hi tryingtosleep.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I always post here when I’m feeling somewhat desperate and know that anyone I know would worry/judge/not understand so I am grateful for this space.

You always have wise words. As I read everything you say, I know it’s true. In time I hope I can believe it in my heart and I find some peace. I read somebody else’s post the other day saying they feel the initial break up and fall out from it is more painful than the relationship and I am really feeling it at the moment.

I have reduced contact with him, on reflection this is probably what has triggered this post. However X number of days on, I know it’s probably the right thing to do.

I hope you are doing OK.

[Author]

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