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Hi I just wanted to reach out. All I Think about all day every day is how unhappy I am and how I need to start again but my fear is overbearing I feel so weak! I feel overwhelmed by my responsibly as a mother to my 2 girls and how my decisions are going to ultimateley shape their lives. I don’t love my husband anymore because the way he is I hate him and I am so angry with myself for letting him control me for so long and for loosing myself in the process. All I ever feel is hate and anger. I have to force myself to be intimate with him and end up sitting in the bathroom crying afterwards because this keeps him from bothering me for sex for a few days. I’m mainly angry with myself be side i am still here living this miserable exsistance. The worst is pretending to everyone that things are ok. Keeping up appearances. I want to go to the docs because i feel like I’m going to loose my mind but I’m scared about then referring things to social services. My biggest worry is that my daughter has just started school and is really enjoying it. If i left I would have to move towns which would mean moving her and this is a real worry for me as she’s so shy. I feel like I’m completely stuck with the thought if being free to be my own person and not have to be scared if someone invites me out feels like a pipe dream… I’ve done loads of enquiring and put loads if plans together but I just know I won’t have the front to go through with it so how can I moan about being unhappy????? It’s ridiculous I feel like I just want to disappear into thin air xx
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Can you get in touch with your local women’s aid? I could not have left without their support. I did what you are doing and it drove me very close to a complete mental breakdown. Having sex and having to pretend to enjoy it all the while feeling sick. Pretending to be happy but dying inside. You owe it to your children to be your own self. To be truely happy and flourish around your children. Abusers stunt our growth x
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I agree with KIP.
Do not worry about your kid’s school. Children are more adaptable than you would think.
You need to make yourself the priority and do what is best for you.You are very unhappy. Do not remain like this. Get out.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. Once you do it you will see that it is not half as scary as you thought it would be. You will probably feel empowered for the first time in years.
Just be careful when you leave, because this the time when abusers are most dangerous. For this reason you should make a safety plan with Woman’s Aid and get out when he is not at home.
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Arianna I’m in a similar situation. Feel like if losing my mind – lying awake at night shaking and sick with anxiety. Trying not to cry at all day at work… Do consider talking to your doctor. I went to mine recently and she was really understanding and supportive. I also felt concerned about saying too much about an unhealthy family situation but she was really kind and basically said she wanted to support me to be well enough to support my children.
It’s so hard to find a way through… just wanted to share some empathy really.
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Hi Ariana,
Hugggssss I was there, where you are now, I think all of us here were/are there.
You need to contact WA if you haven’t already, they helped me tremendously and still do.
When my brother, whom happened to be my best friend passed away suddenly, something awoke inside, life is far too short to go to bed in tears, awaking feeling his penetration and feeling dirty, walking on eggshells and thinking before you speak, trying not to say something wrong to make him shout or worse.Speak to WA, they will give you advice about speaking to your docs, I am sure Social Services won’t be involved, my doc gave me antidepressants that I didn’t take but felt reassured.
The fear of the unknown is a fact, you sound like a great Mum, your children will adapt with your support xx
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