In a dark place :-(

[Blondexxxx]

My partner of so many years decided to fall out with me (detail removed by Moderator)(again) for no reason. One that iv kept asking myself again what have I done wrong.
Iv had the silent treatment, iv been blocked, I’m not being told I have to move out (he owns the house)
House prices are so Expensive and we have children together so even though I work I finically can’t afford too.

I stupidly even though was told by many not to ask him…what have I done wrong?? I then got screamed and shouted at that it was me in general, he tried to smack me with an object and said no wonder I hit you.
He then smashed some of my belongings up one being expensive.
I cried and cried and said I was only asking what I had done to which he became more angry and said I told you to shut up and continued To scream abuse at me then spat in my face.

This isn’t a rare occasion, it’s happened a few times over the years and iv always stayed.

(detail removed by Moderator)

Yet (detail removed by Moderator) days before all of this he was making a date night and being overly nice.

He’s slept on the sofa for the last (detail removed by Moderator) and is making it out to me he’s seeing someone else, he just keeps doing little things to make me think it like staying out late and hiding his phone.

Iv been given the silent treatment once again and iv give up trying to talk to him
My friends don’t understand why I even went to speak to him.
I feel like is it the rejection??

He was really bad drinking and taking drugs which led to gambling but he came paranoid and nasty and I used to dread him having a drink every weekend.

But now he has stopped and he’s trying to lose weight and go to the gym. I thought as a person it would help us but now his anger is awful! It’s like he is possessed!
He gets irritated by me and the kids and if we go out anywhere for the day he just walks off in a mood and doesn’t speak and says he would rather be on his own.

But then days later he will be ok.

This time it’s been a week and he hasn’t spoke.

I want to get my things and just leave even though I have no where to go.
I don’t know if I feel worse being in the house hun doing these things or worry I will feel lonely and alone when I leave in a house by myself with the kids.

I have friends and they all support me but they can’t understand why iv put up with it over the years.

They say because I look after my appearance and enjoy doing nice things he is jealous.

But I don’t feel like this as he called me worthless he puts me down over everything I do/
If I do the washing he says his clothes still smell if I don’t do his washing he calls me lazy.

He says because I work (detail removed by Moderator) I’m a lazy cow but the (detail removed by Moderator) days I have off I take our child to school and pick our child up and do all the jobs in the house.
I am never sat around watching tv or doing nothing I am forever busy.

I never go out on nights out with my friends as If I do I get accused and last time he said I had met someone else (detail removed by Moderator) so I probably go out twice a year!
I feel like I’m a good mother and a good partner but he’s taken away all my confidence.

His mum has slot of money so she supports him and he does work but he never has any money.
I ask him for nothing but the house is his his mum bought it him so I have no rights to stay there but I just feel he knows this so he constantly calls me nasty names like a scrubber and says how worthless I am and he has everything I have nothing.

I shouldn’t believe him but iv found myself in a horrible place just feel like a shell and I’m existing.
I enjoy when it’s night time so I can lie in bed and not have to do anything just sleep but then when I wake up it’s back to reality

I left once when he threw us out and changed the locks in our previous house but then soon as I found myself a new home he came and moved in then asked me to leave with him so I gave it all up then he’s done this to us again/

I don’t know how to not feel this way or how to even be around him.

Even him sleeping on the sofa and I’m in the bedroom it’s like mental torture as I keep thinking he’s seeing someone else.

🙁 xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, this is like reading my old life, so many similarities. I came to hate weekends. Even the giving up drink, going to the gym and becoming even worse happened, then you feel kind of relieved when they drink and that’s the trick – you won’t ask him again for a while. My ex ended up living on the sofa for nearly a year, his choice but twisted it onto being my fault so people saw him as the victim. He did it so he could do as he pleased – drink, drugs, cheating, porn you name it. Trust your gut, and even if he isn’t cheating he’s doing nothing to reassure you, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Don’t beat yourself up for staying, we all do. It’s a good old mix of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance (that voice that convinces you it’s not that bad), addiction to the chemicals released during the highs & lows, loyalty, hope, the future faking they do – and many more mind tricks. Your friends should be grateful they can’t understand, they’ve thankfully never experienced it as it’s like a mental poison.

My top tips would be to educate yourself on abuse – the more you learn the more you recognise in your own life, and the more that mental fog lifts. Contact your local council and apply for help through the homelessness application due to leaving abuse, reach out to WomansAid they have a lovely helpful chat line, read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and start to picture how you want your life to be. You only get one. We’ve all invested so much hoping our partners will change, said to ourselves ‘if only they did x/y/z we’d be ok’ but the heartbreaking fact is that they won’t change, they cant, and nothing, I repeat nothing, you do will be good enough. You have to break your own heart and leave x x

[Blondexxxx]

Thank you for the reply 🙂
I will download the book I have been trying to google his behaviour for a while.

Another thing I worry about is last time I left he tried to take me to court for 50/50 access to our son.
He never does anything for him, he pays me nothing towards his clothes his food his school activities etc I don’t think he’s ever been taken to school by his dad or even picked him yet all of a sudden he was saying I will get access to him 50-50 and we will see who’s undermining me then ( apparently I undermine him)

It’s more a case of it’s 9 at night and il say no to sweets but he will say yes.

You’re absolutely right when you say about the cheating, even if he’s not he’s trying to make out he is to hurt me but why would you even want to do that.
The minute I mention it he calls me crazy and says things like see what I mean.

I tried to talk to him in the week once the other day and I said what’s going on and he got his phone out and started filming me saying look leave me alone you’re harassing me ?!
I wasn’t even nasty or shouting i fact I never stand up to him.

It was like he was trying to make me look bad. But I didn’t even do anything!

Just like the reason he has fallen out with me now there was nothing I feel I did wrong at all.

But no matter what i do in his head I can’t reason with him.

I dread coming home as I feel sick as he just sits there not speaking and the atmosphere is awful.
He’s acting like he’s mr changed man now he isn’t drinking or taking drugs or gambling, but his nastiness is still the same so I think it’s just him as a person.

[Blondexxxx]

You’re right I know it will break my heart but I need to go.
He has told me to get out once again with the kids even though he knows I have no where to go.

I just need to shock him and actually leave x*x

[teaandbiscuit24]

I understand your worries about access. I have split but my ex is still saying he wants more access, more I think to avoid paying money to me for them. Everyone I tell says I’m silly to worry that there’s no way he’d get them but I worry because although people are aware of how he’s treated them and me there’s not actually proof and he is very convincing.

I get scared about court but someone sensible told me that even if you can’t value yourself, it’s better for the kids to be out of it some of the time even if not all of it as they will be affected even if they haven’t seen anything. Mine are different children since he moved out and it wasn’t as violent as your situation.

I would have gone back if I could have so be prepared for that- even now I minimise and blame myself. Had some moments of clarity but flip back to thinking I was over reacting often. Sending you love and support.x*x

[Mellow]

It sounds like narc abuse .do you think he’s cheating as these types don’t care if they cheat in your face.i faced years of mental torture with my ex blatantly cheating in my face .calling women hiding his phone as if it was some game he even stopped sleeping in the same bed but said it was because of the baby and even one point made me sleep in another room so he could cheat on his mobile your instinct could’ve right if you think he’s pretending he might not they play mind games to keep you guessing but most of the time it’s true

[Author]

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