in a new relationship

[I want to break free]

so I have been in a new relationship for a while. We have kept it secret as I don’t feel ready for my ex to find out. In many ways it has been a really healing experience. At the beginning i got anxious everytime something happened (i.e. something went wrong where my ex would have started screaming) as I was afraid he would act like my ex. When he acted normally its been so healing so I feel that i have made real progress learning to trust again.
I have read living with the dominator and I have watched his behaviour very closely for early warning signs of which there have not been any.
I am quite easy going as a person most of the time. Recently it occurred to me that he decides when we meet. We have got into a pattern of meeting on a particular day and time. I now tend to keep it free. He never makes an arrangement until the last minute but will sometimes makes plans to do something else on that day but only tells me at the last minute. When I have tried to talk about it, he made out I was saying he was a terrible person and the conversation became about him (deeply triggering as this was how my ex behaved).
I have decided to take the power back and have told him he cant assume that I will be free to see him and that in future he needs to make an arrangement. This has illicit an emotionally manipulative response.
how do you know if a man is abusive? are all men manipulative sometimes?do people have bad days and respond like this? how do you know if you are being triggered or if it is the behaviour in the here and now that you are responding to?
I have been so happy in this relationship but now I am wondering if I have not inadvertently walking into a similar relationship to the one that i had with my ex.
I know one of his exes and I know that he has never violent although she said he was controlling ………..now i think she might have a point.

[maddog]

Controlling is a big red flag. None of us are perfect and I reckon this is a problem. Keep a close eye. I was told that my ex was grumpy. I didn’t see it at the time. I had flashes of it. I had flashes that he’d raped me. I had flashes that he was abusing me. I didn’t want to believe it. There was nothing solid. Please take care. There are lovely men out there. We are just better tuned to the rotters.

[Chickadee]

Every person on the planet has manipulative tendancies to an extent, one can even see it in a toddler, mum didn’t you need to get that book in the other room, and when mum goes the pre-kr goes to, to the cookie jar they were told they could not have another cookie from.

The difference is an abuser’s self serving is with intent to control and hurt out of sheer pleasure in doing so. And they do not care.

I would suggest that you figure out which is present. How does he treat you overall. Is he supportive of you as a person for who you are and in your endeavors, is he sincere.

And keep what you said as a valid point in the back of your mind. There is a particular day your getting together, or couple of days, okay is it work schedule? He is canceling sometimes on you at the last minute. Why? This is a big red flag. Does he have to work? Or is there another female that he would rather be with? If he wants to be with you he should be moving mountains.

[Confused123]

I think this is good u have told him u are not always available and he needs to give u more notice, just watch his reactions, i would even purposely say sometimes your not available and go out woth your friends and see howw he reacts, u will have answer yourself

[fridges]

@iwanttobreakfree trust your instincts and how you are feeling inside. They will not be lying.
If he does not make a proper arrangement to meet you, and is not specific, he can not assume that you need to hold the day purely for him. Also you can not be kept in the dark until the last minute about plans for this day.
He goes with what is suitable for this day for him.
Actually it is good that it came on the surface – you will be able to see more, how he is and how he reacts to the things.
Observe him closely, I would say with the loop.
You have opened up with your concern and very quick he turn the tables, that you try to make him as a bad person, blaming you. So that you will feel not good about yourself and have doubts, if you did the right thing to ask.
You have the right to say what is concerning you and you have the right to get the answers.
It is actually the first conflict you had with him.

[Megan]

@iwanttobreakfree
Starting a new relationship can be a big step and first, I want to congratulate you for giving yourself the opportunity. Having said that, I think that you should make clear what you think. No, not ALL men are abusive, but once you have been through it, it is very likely to repeat the pattern; because you maybe don’t feel worth it, because maybe you think you have to endure certain things, or simply because that’s the only type of relationship you know and then everything becomes a “self-fulfilling prophecy”.
If you don’t feel comfortable, talk about it.
If you DO feel comfortable, talk about it too.
Use language effectively and explain to your partner how you feel and what happened.

Take care!

[White Rose]

Are you comfortable in this new relationship? It doesn’t sound as if you are 100% sure. If you’ve got doubts then maybe back off for a bit, reset boundaries and ground rules and see how you feel. Have to admit I read your post and felt a bit uneasy.
Take time. See how it goes but don’t leap into something that gives you doubts x*x

[Author]

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