In a rut

[Balloons]

Hey everyone, I haven’t posted on here in a long time. But I feel like I’ve lost touch a bit with everything. I don’t know how long recovery typically takes, but I see other women who go on dates, or even other women who are standing up to domestic abuse by campaigning or fundraising. I deeply want to do more to help others, and I don’t want to be silent about what has happened but I am still frozen. I haven’t even set up any of my own social media stuff again, and I see these brave women talking about their very personal experiences and I just don’t know how they do it. It makes me realise how scared of him I still am, and I hate this. I’ve been in counseling for 2 years now, and whilst I am feeling waaay better than I used to it still feels like such a long way to go. I don’t know how I can properly shake this, and find the oomph to actually fight back against it (not him in particular, but all of them). I don’t know if this is made harder because I have children with him..

I suppose I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else feels like recovery takes such a long time, or if there is any advice out there from any of you amazing women for becoming a force for change instead of hiding away and feeling ashamed.

[KIP.]

Hey there, recovery takes a long time and I believe can only truly begin when you feel safe and having contact with him is a reminder of your past so if you haven’t already then try to cut all direct contact. It took me several years to be able to make any real progress. The longer we stayed the longer it takes to heal. Coming on here really helped me. Helping other women when I could actually helped build my confidence back up. So try to do things that make you happy and improve your confidence. There will be plenty time in the future for you to campaign or raise awareness or do what you want to do. Meantime it’s just taking baby steps and that’s an achievement itself x

[driedflowers]

Hi Balloons,

Yes I also feel the same way – been in counselling for a while and feeling frustrated with how slowly things seem to be going. I don’t have kids with him but he (detail removed by moderator) so I see him from time to time and it sets me back. This week was particularly bad but what made me feel better was taking some steps and doing some things that I enjoy. I got a psych referral from my doc and might try EMDR, and I went for a run, for example. More broadly, I do feel that anything you can do to feel in control of your life is helpful when you have these feelings of being still trapped in the dynamic because of the proximity, especially things which are new and bring you joy. I know it’s cliche, but things like trying new hobbies, doing things to look after your mental and physical health can be helpful; every time I try something new I thank myself for leaving that relationship to give myself a new experience which he would have prevented me from having, had we stayed together. It can be smaller things too. For example, I read about trauma online and I read that there are certain foods you can eat to heal your brain, so now I am eating more fish. It’s small, but it empowers you to take as much control as you can of your own healing. Also, remember that sometimes the nature of the healing is that it goes in cycles and so you might feel low and think that you’ve gone backwards, but it might just be another stage of working things out.

As for social media and so on, I would absolutely do what feels comfortable to you and there is no right or wrong in this. Everybody has their own way of coping and it is not one size fits all. It is good to respect one’s own boundaries and process. You should only do what you want to do.

Take care

[Living Warrior]

Hi hun, I have children with my abuser.. each person’s experience is different, some take longer than others… I find strength in helping others, I volunteer etc but sometimes I still need to take a time out because I still have stuff going on, u literally look after yourself first, then start small… answer a few questions on here if u feel u can… that helped me to start.
Some people move on mentally before they leave physically, not everyone’s situation is the same, so don’t punish urself if you need extra time…. u heal as quickly as u heal 🙂 stay strong, it will happen x*x

[Author]

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