In debt – can I afford to leave?

[AppleNinja]

Hi All,

I want to leave soon but I have a bank loan and some debt on my credit card. The debts are not huge though.
I’m planning to go to the refuge and will have to leave my job as my husband knows where I work. So I won’t be able to pay back for a while.

Does anyone here have any experience with this kind of situation?

I know I’ll have to go speak to the bank about this but I’d like to know in advance what might options might be.

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[Confused123]

HI sweetie,

Yes you can still leave, once u have left then inform the bank that u have lost your job and seperated from your partner so have no income, with your credit card u can always do balance transfer or pay minimum amount, if u r thinking of leaving yor job, it maybe a good idea to start looking for something new in advance . the debt is what keeps us trapped sometimes for longer , not knowing how we will cope, but we do cope

[AppleNinja]

Hello Confused123,

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I think that more than anything I just needed to be reassured, so thank you.

Yes, the debt is a trap. Ironically, in my case, I got into debt because of him. He had stopped working a few years before I moved in with him. His reason was to be there for his daughter after her mum passed away. He acted like he really missed working and it was a huge sacrifice for him to have given up his job to car for the baby. I, idiotically, believed that he would return to work when his little girl is a bit older. And so I thought I was doing a good thing to support him and his daughter. Years passed and it became clear to me that he never intended to work a day in his life again. When asked about going back to work, he’d refuse to discuss it.

And he doesn’t claim anything, he has no income because he won’t deal with authorities. I pay everything and I put money into his bank account. If I don’t – I don’t know… I would be worried how he’d react. He refers to it as his money.

We had a baby together and as the cost of living has been rising, I’ve been in many difficult situations. So one thing led to another and I had to take out the credit card first and then a loan, just to keep the family afloat.

I definitely did not spend any of it on handbags and manicures.

At one point he tells me, while playing on his Xbox!, “The amount of money you give me every month, it’s not enough. so what are you going to do about it?” (He had assaulted me physically in the past too).

It made my blood boil but I also have to admit my own naivety and stupidity. I don’t even know how I got into this mess.

So that is why I am in debt, not for any unreasonable luxury spending or living above my means. It was just to keep us going.

Bizarrely, when we argue and he goes into a rage and he claims that I take his money, that he pays hundreds and hundreds of pounds for me…he sounds completely serious.

I don’t know if I’m missing something here or if he is seriously deluded to the point of some mental health issue because as I’ve said before, he has no income and I’ve been the sole earner ever since I got together with him.

Thank you,
AppleNinja

[Ayanna]

He sounds similar to my ex.
The ex abuser also never worked. He had many excuses why he could not work.
He tried to claim monthly maintenance from me when we divorced.
He had taken my money and I had debts on my credit cards because of him.
The sooner you leave the better.
The CAB can help you with debt mangagement.
The most important thing is to get out.

[AppleNinja]

Hi Ayanna,

Thank you, I’ll contact CAB, that’s a good idea.
I can’t believe your abuser claimed maintenance. The arrogance of it! On what grounds?!

Someone has mentioned to me before that I may have to end up paying maintenance. I forgot all about it so I don’t know how it applies. But to tell you the truth, I did have a thought that I’d be quite happy to pay him if it guarantees that he won’t harass us. Provided I can afford it.

I hope you did manage to get out of the debt yourself or you’re at least halfway there.

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[Ayanna]

Tbh, my debt got much worse after I fled, because I bought furniture and household equipment for my new home and gifted myself all the things I ever wanted and could not have whilst I was with him 🙂

I just started to pay my debts. I take the interest free credit cards for that.

Yep, he wrote in the divorce application that he wanted monthly maintenance for life and access to my pension.
He was not successful, but I had to pay him something, which I find was an enormous injustice. At the time I did not care. I just wanted to get rid of him.

However, I do not care about these debts. It is just money. I pay every month and one day all will be paid off.

[Confused123]

hey

is itnt horrifging how many similarities these abusers have and they make us out to be the mad one, u willbe so much happier hun once u r out, keep it to yourself that u r planning to leave him, they just up the abuse and switch from kind to cruel to make u think things are not that bad

[SunshineRainflower]

How awful, the cheek of all these vile men expecting money while they abuse us. I wasn’t with mine long enough for him to try this trick, but he joked about this as I was exploring self employment, I think when he met me he mistakenly thought I was rich and that was definitely part of why he targeted me. It makes me sick thinking what he would have tried had we ever married.

He was extremely tight and made me buy my own food if I was round at his house, yet I bought all the food when he was at my house, while he was the one with the good job at the time and I was job hunting and studying. He never bought me one meal out despite earning big work bonuses and actually never even bought me one drink. The only thing he ever bought me were a few cheap c****y cards and some supermarket flowers during his hoovering and manipulation stages. It makes me laugh how I can see through it all now and how I’m so glad to be rid (detail removed by Moderator)! My income is a fraction of his yet I am 10 times more generous. He even used to steal things from his workplace to avoid paying for them himself then somehow justify it. He also used to apply for awards and vouchers which he wasn’t entitled to, again somewhow explaining and justifying it. Literally no morals.

[Ayanna]

I frequently missed ten pound notes from my wallet. That happened even before we got married. I thought I lost that money or someone went into my wallet at work when my bag was unsupervised.
It took me very long to realize that it was him all along who stole money from my wallet whenever I had some in there.
Towards the end of our relationship he was already very open with it and beat me when I objected.

[Dragonfly]

Hey appleninja

I absolutely hear what you’re saying. I’m only in debt because of ex too. I think you’d be good to look for another job first (unless of course there’s a serious and imminent threat then get out now)!

As for paying him maintenance…..you are not legally responsible for his child even if you’re married. I have a stepdaughter, she’s an adult now but I wasn’t legally her guardian. If you take your own child with you then he pays you maintenance. He’ll have to sign on and support himself!! Granted you may only get £3 out of him but you are not responsible for giving him money. This might come as a shock to him but he could get a job.

Don’t be thinking you won’t survive alone because you have debt. I actually discovered I was better off financially when I asked him to leave.

Look at tax credits, there’s an online calculator. Find out what if any other benefits you might qualify for. CAB is a very good place to start

[she-ra]

HI Appleninja, in the same position too. lots and lots of debt trying to keep the family afloat, birthdays, xmas, school trips, school uniform he pays for nothing, every direct debit comes out of my account, rent, petrol food, everything is paid for by me. Such a mess, really hope you get it all sorted and CAB help you. x

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