In laws

[Bananaboat]

So I’ve posted a few times about the relationship with my partner but it’s recently dawned on me that I’m experiencing abuse from his parents too. We’ve been together several years yet still every single time I see them, the in-laws bring the conversation back to his ex, her relationships, (detail removed by moderator), how amazing her children are (only one is my partners) noting just how much they do for her and all her children. Good on them and lucky her but I’ve realised just how disrespectful this is to me, my relationship (as bad as it can be) and my children. I haven’t put all the details as I suspect it would be moderated but let’s just say it’s more than the usual in-laws type are annoying type things. Most recently they started (detail removed by moderator). They share similar traits to my partner in that you can’t talk to them like adults, the mother overacts and sees everything as a reason to shout or cry, (I apparently ruined Christmas a few years back due to (detail removed by moderator) lol) whilst the father is a true pompous narc. I’m not sure how to approach this, as it can easily trigger my partners abuse but at the same time expecting me to sit and take this disrespect is insulting and abusive. Feels cathartic just to write it down to be honest, anyone experienced similar?

[KIP.]

Your partner will abuse you anyway, what you see as a trigger is simply an excuse to abuse and if it wasn’t about the in laws it would be about something else. In a supportive relationship your partner would ask his family it to talk about his ex as it’s not appropriate but he will love the fact it hurts you and no doubt he’s encouraging it behind the scene. Abusers love to make us feel jealous and unworthy. He’s deliberately harming your self esteem and confidence and it’s a psychological tactic. Talk to your local women’s aid. Next time you go, if you really have to go, try saying it makes you feel uncomfortable when they talk so much about his ex but I have a feeling they will know this anyway. Not sure if you can talk to the in laws without your ex knowing but if it made me feel uncomfortable I simply wouldn’t visit. Your partner loves putting you in situations that upset you,

[Lottieblue]

Hi Bananaboat,

Yes yes yes.
And in fact since I left I have realised how much trauma this created. I used to try to explain to my husband how their behaviour made me feel and he would just say (detail removed by moderator) and completely dismiss the impact they had on me. I’d also sometimes say “(detail removed by moderator) but that would trigger the leave-the-room-and-slam-the-door response.

I used to block their behaviour out. I used to tell myself that it shouldn’t have an impact on our marriage, that “we” had to rise above it. Tbh it was enough of a battle dealing with him so I focussed on that. Now, looking back, I see that their behaviour was unreasonable and abusive for the entirety of our (detail removed by moderator) year marriage and that I really really struggled. Sadly, our lives were such that I couldn’t just stay away from them and this only got worse. I’m not sure how different things might have been had they not been in the picture.

[Neverthoughtitwouldbeme]

Sorry to hear you have had to deal with that.

You are right, it is a form of abuse and totally inappropriate. How would they react if the shoe was on the other foot?

My ex’s mum was the same and condoned bad behaviour from her children. She was well aware of what was going on but did nothing and if anything, excused it.

Unfortunately you have to bear in mind the abuser works and wonder whether they take after someone in their family. It’s only now I’m out of my situation that I realise how toxic his mum was all along so how could I expect any less from him?

I know it’s easier said than done but try not to let what they say get you down. Leave them to deal with their own issues and focus on you and your happiness.

Sending hugs xx

[Bananaboat]

Thank you all, it’s always so helpful to know you’re not alone or crazy, and that there’s hope for better days.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to let you know I experience this too.

I have seen messages to my in laws from my husband completely winding them up bad mouthing me.

Then he seems to sit back and watch the fall out after wards.

(Detail removed by moderator).

It does just strengthen their effect on us to get us so low.

Watching The Maid recently showed this a lot although from her own parents.This film helped me a lot.

I am also reading women who love too much and doing the freedom programme.

I would say avoid then where possible but not always possible is it.

Good luck I hope you are ok , we deserve so more…

[Bananaboat]

Thank you, I really connected with maid too. Since recognising this behaviour I definitely feel better and can see what they’re doing rather than letting it upset me so much. Last visit I distanced myself and didn’t engage in their conversations aimed at upsetting me. There’s a fine line as I didn’t want to come across rude but I certainly feel like they have less power over me. I also watch how the interact with my partner and feel sorry for him but then I think ‘you know how it feels to be treated this way so why do it to others’ and my sympathy stops. As with anything abuse knowledge seems to be really helpful tool, hope you’re ok x

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