In Limbo

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi all, I’ve often come here to try and make sense of things but this is my first post so thought I introduce myself and confide in people who can relate. I’d never imagine I would be posting here but I am completely broken and finding it so hard to believe how the man who I love with all my heart, the man I married is the way he is. It’s only recently when he sent a text telling me to pack a few things and to get out of the house while he was at work that I found the courage to stay strong and stay away.

I will try to keep this brief but there is so much I have kept to myself. I really thought our relationship was normal… my husband suffers from anxiety and stress and I always excused his behaviour due to this.

Consistently through the relationship he would call me useless, dumb and thick among other things. He would often go into a fall blown rage if I did the smallest of things wrong, for example the time he had a go at me because he got home to (detail removed by moderator), saying that I’m slow, I’m useless, my cleaning is a 5 out of 10, he shouldn’t be coming home to (detail removed by moderator) going on to ask how long have I been home for even though he knew I spent hours deep cleaning. Or the day I didn’t have the time to pack him some lunch and he went on to call me a s**t wife, told me to f**k off and that I am a waste or space.

He would literally scream in my face to the point where he knew I would break. When I tried to walk away from those hurtful words he would block me insisting I look at him. It got so bad on occasions I would have panic attacks, then he would completely change and say he’s sorry, he’s just tired or hungry going on to say how much he loved me while hugging me in his arms.

The rare times I did go out was with my work colleagues, due to distance I have lost touch with quite a few of my close friends on a regular basis. I would dread bringing up any plans with them to him as the majority of times he would make me feel guilty for being out with them. I would sit there and try to only have one drink then rush back, often receiving the silent treatment, however when I did stay for more than one he would accuse me of being completely smashed despite me being fully aware. The most recent example which has lead me here was that I accidentally did have one too many and I was too tired on the journey back to keep him updated. I know it was bad on my side but I didn’t intentionally go to get that drunk, I just lost track of time, yet he accused me being out with other men, that I am having an affair. Despite apologising to him and agreeing I was in the wrong, he told me to get out, that he really needs to think about whether he wants our marriage to continue.

Looking back, insults would be quite regular, but the major stuff would come round every couple of months. We always made up quickly and he would be the amazing, charming man I first met.

We have been apart for (detail removed by moderator) and it’s really testing me. I feel bad now as I feel like I’ve been giving him the silent treatment, but every time he texts me he ends up attacking me with words so have tried to avoid it. When I did try phoning him it made me miss him loads, he was his nice self, the man who manages to put a smile on my face. So I agreed to meet in person to talk things through, but after the break and having the time to reflect knowing what I now know, it’s made it all so hard. He could tell I was distant which made him slightly annoyed.

I’m constantly asking myself will he change? Is he just an angry person and that’s his way of letting it out? Will counselling help us? Is it because he doesn’t know what he’s doing? It’s so hard when in my heart I care for him so much, but everyday I felt like I was walking on eggshells, scared when he would have his next outburst. I’m in limbo. Deep down I know I need to move onto the next step and talk about divorce with him but I’m so scared discussing that with him as he’s beginning to become very nasty again 😟

[KIP.]

Hi there and well done for posting. I think it would be a good idea to contact your local women’s aid. When we try to leave an abuser it’s very dangerous. When you say he suffers from anxiety. Does he abuse others the way he abuses you? Or can he control himself around everyone else? Can he control himself in public? Saving his abuse of you for when there are no witnesses. I believe he knows exactly what he is doing and his behaviour is despicable. He chooses to behave this way and these men don’t change, they just get worse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Please don’t go back. Google The Cycle of Abuse.

[diymum@1]

the thing is we grieve for something inevitably that we realise we didnt have in the first place. that dawning comes though only through time. he isnt the man you thought he was and that isnt who you fell for in the first instance. its a horrible wrench to realise this because we invest so much to have nothing in the end. all of the above happened to me- i too could have written that. this is intimidation at its worst – its control and entitlement – one day you will say how dare he – im glad i found him out and im so glad that im free. thats how i feel now but its taken me a decade to get there im not going to lie. i dont know if what im writing helps because ive been where you are and this is where i am now. its scarey its life changing but the best thing is to try to aim at convincing yourself not to fight for this anymore. there is a whole new life for you out there but you need to be completely free from him to acheive that x*x much love diymum

[fizzylem]

Hi TB, well done for reaching out, hope you find the forum a good source of strength and support. A big welcome!

You know this man is no good for you, or you wouldn’t be on here. The heart longs for what isn’t really there. You deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are. Draw the line flower, then ride out the pain of the loss alone – with friends and family for support. You wont regret ending it, you will only regret how long it took you to do it in time.

When you do go; make sure it’s a safe exit above anything else x

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you girls, I feel like a little a bit of weight has already started to lift from my shoulders xx

@KIP – thank you. He suffers anxiety for a couple of personal reasons and has sometimes used this as an excuse for himself which is why I think I used to dismiss his behaviour at first. But he definitely saves it. When I would do something to annoy him, say at a family event, he would wait until I was in the car or back at home to really rip into me. Or if I did something wrong before we were going somewhere, he would literally be hurling words at me until we arrived, then he would be Mr Charming again.

That’s the trouble, when you meet him he is such a gentlemen, no one would ever imagine him saying/doing the things he does to me.

@diymum@1 – what you wrote helps loads, it’s so reassuring to read. I’m so glad you stayed strong and have now freed yourself from that. You have given me so much hope.

@fizzylem – thank you and thank you for the lovely words of encouragement. I’m so scared what he will be like if I find the courage to really go through with this. Which is why I need to find all the strength and advice I can get. I feel physically sick thinking about it.

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