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    • #147788

      This forum is so helpful to me at the moment and I can’t even articulate how helpful it is to get some validation that I’m not going mad, this really is happening.
      I’m now just waiting for the next incident to give me a justification to end it.
      He is trying so hard at the moment to cut down on alcohol intake and being ever so nice but I know it won’t last. Because it never does.
      I have made the decision in my heart that the next time he kicks off, I’m going to end it.
      This secret knowledge is keeping me going atm and I feel like I’m living an act of everything is fine. Is that awful? Am I horrible for waiting for him to trip up to end it?

    • #147801

      No you’re not horrible at all. You’ve been left with no other choice and I’m sort of at the same point as you except I can’t seem to make that final step of actually leaving him. Mostly because I’m so scared of the aftermath.
      I totally understand why you’d want to wait for the next incident as I tell myself that but the truth is you don’t need to wait for another incident to occur to justifying you leaving him. I feel like a hypocrite saying this because I personally can’t leave whether he’s being nice or nasty, too much guilt. Have you thought about safety planning? Please go with your gut instinct if you don’t feel safe around him x

    • #147804

      Hi Vikingqueen,

      Your post reminds me of just before I left. I had made it clear things wouldn’t be continuing as they has been. He then “cut down” on alcohol intake the 2 weeks prior to me leaving. But I had seen the pattern so many times before and gone through the same thing of him attempting to cut down and be nicer with it never ever lasting. And so like you I held on to the fact that this time was different and that I would be leaving. Like you I felt like I was waiting for him to slip up again, I think mostly as I felt I needed to justify leaving to myself. At one point I worried that maybe I had it all wrong and he would be perfectly lovely forever more. Needless to say I was extremely wrong on that point. Stay safe as once he knew my intentions things did get worse for me. Play your cards close to your chest and ensure your safety. I wish I hadn’t waited for the next bad thing to happen. Please stay as safe as you can x

    • #147809

      Hi VikingQueen

      It’s a really difficult decision to make and even more difficult whilst you’re in the reconciliation part of the cycle. Sometimes we need that next incident so that we feel confident that it’s the right thing to do. Even then, you may well have doubts after you have left.

      You have a plan of when you will go which is a great place to start. Have you thought about the scale of the incident that will make you leave? Will it be name calling or belitting that will make you leave or will it be a physical assault? I only ask because as you will have witnessed yourself, the next abusive period will creep in slowly and increase in intensity. It can be hard to spot it’s return.

      Please have stuff ready. If you can put together a grab bag please do. Otherwise, maybe consider having your ID documents together and ready to grab quickly.

    • #147811

      Mine used to say he was cutting down, I accepted it for awhile , probably because I couldn’t face the truth or deal with the conflict. Then it became more obvious he wasn’t cutting down, in fact the drinking was escalating.
      The final straw was him drinking (detail removed by moderator) and then denying it. I told him to go and we had (detail removed by moderator) of hell ending up with him being arrested.
      It was not easy , he committed further offences , breached bail etc. Took all my strength to go total no contact. I’m divorced now but still not totally free as in process of sorting finances and he’s still trying to manipulate but I’m stronger now. I still have moments where he is in my head, took months for me to block him on social media etc but even with all the stress I’m still in a much better place

    • #147839

      I’m just waiting for a kick off that means him losing his temper and being cruel. He has never been physically violent but he is manipulative and verbally very cruel. He has continued drinking a bit less but he won’t be able to maintain this forever, as he never has before.
      I’ve started speaking to a women’s charity local to me and I’m waiting for a Clare’s Law application to come back.
      My therapist has been supportive.
      It’s hard as he seems to be picking up on the fact that I’m pulling away. He said I don’t love him anymore today and I rushed to say of course I do, but in my head I was thinking, if he asks me if I want to be with him I’m going to say no.
      But he didn’t and now he’s fine. I’m just sat in the living room with anxiety and we’re at the start of another week. I just want to be free.

      • #147843

        I’m glad to hear that you are able to talk to the women’s charity. That is helpful.

        I found myself in a somewhat similar position to you. For a long time I was trying to get out and I was taking steps to do so. I was physically abused so badly and controlled so psychologically that I was stuck in limbo, like you said, as I was too scared to go and couldn’t figure out how to get out safely.

        My abuser kept repeating a certain pattern of behaviour and I made a vow to myself that next time he did a specific abusive thing to me that he did from time to time, that would be it. I would not go back to the property we shared. I knew it would happen… I was in limbo just waiting and surviving/existing.

        When it happened, and I took my stance of not returning, things got really bad, really quickly. Somehow though, despite my fears, I was able to stand my ground and seek the help I had so desperately needed for all those years. It was as if I had made a stand to myself and something had shifted inside my mind and my body.

        So what I would suggest is definitely use this time in limbo to get all your ducks in a row. Get any advice you can, pack anything you can safely and secretly pack, and educate yourself as much as possible via reading and even listening to podcast etc… if safe to do so. I found educating myself consistently helped to keep me strong and motivated. It helps to feel less alone and to keep reiterating to yourself that this the right choice and you are not going mad.

    • #147844

      No you’re not awful at all. Something inside makes us want to give these guys every single chance possible, so when we do finally leave we can feel like we have given it our all and can walk away knowing that guilt is lessened. We’ll always feel guilty (check out F.O.G if you haven’t already – fear, obligation and guilt). Like you, that sense of taking back some control in my own head was so helpful, even if it takes a few goes. Good luck x

      • #147845

        Yes absolutely to wanting to give them absolutely every single chance possible! It’s so hard to let go so we try every avenue until we are totally exhausted I guess x

    • #147920

      I also think you should not wait for the next episode. Even if he’s not violent, what if this time he “looses it” for just a second, pushes you and makes you hit your head on something and hurts you badly? If he just “snaps”?
      I myself acted like nothing had changed, felt like I was a liar, but I did what I had to do for myself, and I sneaked out at the first chance, when he was away.

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