In need of help to unravel my confused mind x

[Tamra]

i still find it so confusing that I lived under a controlled and manipulating relationship and I got discarded so many times and then we would be ok but this time it all came to an actual ended, so why do I feel sad? I should feel relief.
I loved him so much and tried my best but it was never good enough cuz he always wanted another women to help him feel good about himself and this one some how has managed to capture him. Some people said its because I grew some balls and stood up to him and he was losing control. But boy did he try and pull out all the stops to regain control but something in me just fought back and stood my ground. The thing is what ever he said I just had a gut feeling he was lying and done stuff were lies like he told me his girlfriends pet died and In fact I have found out it’s alive and kicking – he wanted to commit suicide but clearly he’s still here (not that I want him dead of course) – he had a cheek to say to my over this break up that I could never make or match as much money as he does (how does he know?) this hit me that ok she’s not attractive facially, and it’s a very nice person but she has a good figure and does nearly match him where money is concerned and yes he is materialistic and wants to look like he’s rich – big house, cars, nice clothes etc. and everyone goes wow. I on the other hand am but materialistic and always tried to be logical with money and questioned the holidays and money spending as we had plans which needed the money to go into ok so I went against what he wanted but he didn’t want me to get a job but he wanted me to help pay????
When we split a few years ago I went to college as he had told me no the year before we got back together and he asked me to take a year out before going to uni so I did and then got a degree and to his discussed a post graduation qualification (he didn’t pay for any of my courses) so I could have a career he of course hated this and crucified me for doing this and then a year after I finished that’s when the new women came into our lives.
He even said no every time I offered money and said why would I want that? He then went on to say we need more money and I should work for us – so please anyone see the logic in me working for us cuz where would the money come from? His pocket? So where on earth does extra money coming from it doesn’t make sense to me. So having a job was not good enough and no money coming in that wasn’t good enough, I just couldn’t win its just madness, so I got discarded why? Cuz he needed a new play mate or cuz I was getting out of his control or both? I can’t believe I lived with this confusion and apart from sexually I couldn’t do anything right.
Even as I write this I feel confused. I have been asked before would I like to be invisible or read people’s minds I chose read people’s minds do I could read his but to be honest I think it would be in such a mess that I would soon want to get out of him mind. I think He believes the rubbish that comes out of his mouth but goodness none of it makes sense or has good reason.
So I get kicked out of my home again cuz I got discarded for the ‘100th’ time and I’m even confused his that happened was I pushed or did I go?

Any thoughts to unravel this would be of great help
Xx

[Amethyst15]

Hi Tamra,
Sounds like the usual chaos and confusion abusers engender. As i was reading through your post i was very much aware of my ex holding similar attitudes and views. They want us as the ‘little women at home’ whilst at the same time not wanting full responsibility to financially support it. You can’t win and although you tried to adapt and modify to ‘fit’ his vision it was never enough and never would be. My ex even says now ‘you’re too independent. I don’t want any of you clever women’-it’s all about control and he lost that when you got a career and started having a different life view. All of his tactics are about gaining control and putting you in a spin. You deserve better than all of that and there will be someone out there who can appreciate your intelligence and management skills not this oaf who seems to favour style over substance. As you move further away from him emotionally you’ll wonder how you put up with his demands for so long. The reason is because you are strong and resilient- qualities that will make your future successful. Take care and keep posting x

[Tamra]

Thank you Amethyst15,
He always sent me in a spin with everything it’s was ridiculous. I feel very cast aside now because I made choices. He even said I want you to make decisions and when I did noooooo that wasn’t right either.
Now I can as in away I find that task difficult in case I get it wrong it’s just madness I actually miss being told what to do or live in that spin of never knowing. The women he is now with does work and has a life and when I asked why her he said she is independent, what on earth did that mean cuz he did but want me to be. He also told me she was a nice person and I wasn’t – interestingly sone one in the field I work said ‘who is he trying to convince?’ Which after thought and tears I said ‘him’.
He even had the cheek to say it’s time you left the house (my home) so you can learn to stand on your own two feet, I actually was like that when he met me until I lived with him do gods knows what he’s talking about, of course this was so he could move on with this new one.
It’s just crazy as I unpick the relationship and everyone begs me to never go back xx

[Herindoors]

Hi Tamra. I, like you, could do nothing right and it is very confusing. I apparently worked too hard and emancipated him by earning more….but at the same time I didn’t earn enough and should be going for bigger and better jobs. I was not forward enough sexually…but when I made an effort it annoyed him and turned him off. I was unsociable and had no friends…but when I wanted to go out with the friends I did have I was ‘always going out’ and leaving him. I would buy him little things to showed I cared, food I thought he would like for example but mostly got told off as he was on ‘so and so’ diet that week. I wouldn’t drink because it makes me sleepy which he hated….but I was boring for not drinking. I could go on and on.
I have driven myself half mad trying to work out if I was in the wrong or he was, or why he behaved this way. I do now know that I was not in the wrong, I was trying to do what I thought he wanted to keep him happy. I also realise that there is no point trying to work out why he behaved this way – he is an abuser and for normal people like us there is no logic behind what they do. Because the behaviour is so crazy (and we are not) we can’t get our heads around it. So I have stopped trying. Sending Hugs xx

[Tamra]

Thank you herindoors
It’s a big game to them.
The drinking I can also relate but if I drank I was a flirt and on some evening out he would just leave me and I’d have to find my own way home etc. I become very closed and wud stay by his side then it came to a point where I stopped drinking and made up excuses why I couldn’t just so I cud stay in control of what I was doing and then in his eyes I was boring – so I was safe but boring I couldn’t do anything right. In the last few months being with him I drank and he loved it but he was sleeping with 2 of us and only doing stuff outside like shopping holidays etc. with her so I had to give up in the end.
Sexually I was never classed as boring but he was worried in case he didn’t satisfy me so I had to rub his ego all the time – sex wasn’t bad at all but he is a sex addicted
And now I look at it as unhealthy behaviour as he put pics of me on a site, dress up and I would have to make videos and act out all the time etc. etc.

All very sad now xx

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