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I have been working with my counsellor for a while on my repressed memories that keep coming back to me in flashbacks. I have been struggling with doubts and holding onto an idealised image of my dad I didn’t want to let go of. But know I have found out the truth. I know it’s all real. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. That gut instinct my counsellor is always telling me to listen to knows it’s the truth. The things he did to me, and got my mum to help him do, are so shocking. I’d be horrified if I read about in a newspaper and yet I have to accept that actually happened to me. The family are all complicit in the secrets, I really am alone.
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You’re right HA. I really felt the need to talk tonight as the shock was hitting me. It can feel so lonely when there’s no-one safe to talk to. I rang the Samaritans so I could just let it all out confidentially and that really helped. I started the call crying and shaking and ending it feeling a lot calmer. They are always so good xx
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You’re not alone, you can always say anything on here, we are all here for you. It’s so good to be able to come on here and know that you can say more or less what ever you need to. The same with the Samaritans. Often turning to the ‘agencies’ puts more pressure on us to have to do something.. When all we need at the time is a release. As I said, we are here ❤️
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So sorry to hear you are having to cope with this peaceful pig, it must be so hard to face the reality of things that happened, but it will free you from them as things do affect our life even when they are not in our concious mind,sending you a hug and as the others have said post on here we are here to support you xxxx
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Thank you so much everyone. It means so much to me to have your support. I felt so lonely last night.
Ayanna, I have to collect my children from school after my counselling sessions but to be honest the sessions themselves feel really supportive. In fact my next session feels too far away right now. It’s just that I took a really big step this week in seeking clarification from my dad. It has certainly helped me remember what an unpleasant and abusive person he really is. It’s a very painful rejection but better to know the truth and be free to speak the truth.
Starmoon, it’s true you have to be so careful who you talk to. Even well-meaning friends often don’t get that you don’t want advice or opinions, but just to be heard. The Samaritans were great as always and I spoke to a man which threw me at first. I almost put the phone down,but it was actually really helpful to talk to a kind empathetic man.
Godschild, you’re right. This abuse has affected every single part of my life even before I knew as much as I do now. My family may choose to stay trapped by their own fear and denial but I’m choosing to free myself by finally speaking out. They are probably terrified of who I will tell but I have a right to talk about the truth of my life and I won’t live a lie any longer.
I have a real mixture of feelings today, but there’s some pride and relief mixed in with the hurt and shock x*x -
Dear Peaceful, you will get over this, but it takes time. Take extra special care of yourself and keep sharing and talking about what is going on, its so theraputic. I like the Samaritans too. I’m almost out of the other side, there is a nice new life out there for you to enjoy and feel happy, you will get there and experience it. XXXXX
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Right now I am utterly disgusted that any human being could inflict such disgusting, painful acts on an innocent child, not least their own child. I find it incomprehensible. It’s not human us it? It’s the behaviour of animals or I sects with no higher function. I feel rage building and for once it is directed exactly where it belongs, at the sick people who have list all rights to be called my parents. They might think they can hide behind their public image and keep their secrets but they can’t hide from themselves or the effects of their repulsive actions xx
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I should probably post this in positive moments, but I have realised something – I don’t want to hurt myself! Usually flashbacks or triggers have me self-harming but I actually feel like I’m an adult and I’ve stood up for the little me that they abused and I don’t want to hurt her. I feel so many painful feelings but I don’t feel helpless anymore. I can really feel that it is entirely their fault and not mine, not just intellectually but properly, deep down. I think that’s worth the pain of rejection.
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I’m struggling again tonight. I’m still proud that I was brave enough to stand up to my dad and I really feel I’ve dispelled the fear that I had and replaced it with such certainty. I can now see my childhood so clearly without confusion but it was horrible. It sounds dramatic to describe the events but it didn’t really feel that way. It was just a depressing every day reality of accepting violence and sexual abuse as my every day experience of life. Of trying to get through every day, going to school and trying to be normal. I feel such deep sadness for my younger self. I have hated myself so much for so long. When I think about my marriage I’m also sad that the abuse continued from my husband but I can’t quite shake the belief that I was so damaged that I caused him to be jealous and angry. Certainly at the beginning and again towards the end I gave him reason to be. I had no boundaries and no ability to say no. When I was a teenager and finally escaped my parents’ home I was so lost and frightened, utterly traumatised, but I had spirit still. I was angry. I struggle to comprehend that my husband saw me as fair game. Instead of feeling compassion he took full advantage of my situation for his own ends. He brainwashed me so thoroughly, and very early on, that I was so wrong, perverted, damaged and I can’t stop believing him. He convinced me I was so ugly and unlovable but that made me feel more desperate for validation and I’d end up in situations where he would be jealous and feel insecure. I felt I had to tell him everything like a confession. I felt terrible for hurting his feelings but looking back may be he engineered the whole situation. This was early in the relationship so I was late teens. I would maybe have a night out with friends clubbing and someone might dance with me or kiss me. My husband didn’t stop me going (though he did make me feel guilty and lucky he was allowing it). Then when I got home he would sulk for days and give me silent treatment while I was tormented with guilt. Then we would talk about the night out and I would confess all begging forgiveness. I actually think I wanted to get married to stop this happening. I felt I needed saving from myself. I know what I did was wrong. Maybe he had a point and I’m just trying to justify myself. It doesn’t warrant the next decades being emotionally abused and raped though does it?
Sorry I know I’m rambling. It’s late, I can’t sleep and I’ve developed back pain since the contact with my dad that’s preventing me from sleeping. -
Peacfful pig this is so so hard for you to go through , you are being very very brave, the back pain may well be associated with speaking your Dad as our bodies react to things, take it easy and be kind to yourself. You arnt rambling at all just sharing and that is so important. I think many of us are damaged by our childhood and we are easy prey for the abusers.
Being damaged does not give the abuser the rights to abuse us, I dont expect you did anything to cause it at all, he just saw you as easy bait to fulfil his abusive behavoir
Feeling sadness for your younger self is a good thing as you are really acknowlaging the pain you went through and that little girl in you needs to have sympathy from your adult self to heal her, the sympathy and care and understanding she never got as a child, hugs take care xxxxx -
Thank you so much Godschild. I think I’m just trying to come to terms with everything. I’m trying to weigh up how much damage was caused by my parents and how much by my husband. I wonder if I could have healed back then when I knew it was wrong if I hadn’t ended up with my husband. Looking back I think he understood more about what had happened to me than I did. I didn’t put the pieces together back then. When I started to make progress in that direction with rape crisis counselling over (detail remoed by moderator) years ago he got angry and I stopped going. How could he have cruelly taken so many more years from me and deliberately prevented me getting help? Mind you he did the same to his own daughter so that shows who he is. I feel so sad and angry that these men have led me to believe I was so terrible all my life, but you’re right – I do now feel total compassion for what has happened to me and I still have no desire or compulsion to hurt myself. That is an amazing development. I’ve been very kind to myself today, just doing whatever felt right with no judgement x*x
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Hi Peaceful Pig, when I left my abusive childhood home I did not know who I was. I was very vulnerable but not aware of it. I had no idea how to judge people because I was not aware about my own boundaries.
I think when we are abused as children, the hellgates for more abuse are just wide open.
Much of what happened to me as a child was not perceived as abuse by myself. I did not know any better. That was the world that I lived in and there was nobody to ask or who could have shown me otherwise.
All the men I met were abusive.
Through educating myself I realised that I was abused as a child. But I was far from excluding abusive men from my life. The damage was too big. Most of the time I kept myself to myself. I was hurting a lot and I was isolated.
I met a man whom I thought was nice. He never laid hand on me. We married. He abused me emotionally and financially. At one point he tried to let me die.
Then I had a boyfriend who abused me emotionally and financially again and also refused to help me in a difficult situation when my health was at risk.
My second husband was physically and sexually very violent and also used all the other forms of abuse.
I met him many years after my first divorce. I had a good grip on my life and life was good. I thought that I was in perfect control of what I was doing and nothing could ever happen to me again. I had read a lot of psychology books and had been on self finding trips. I felt content with myself and I had some self confidence.
Now I know that the abuse in my childhood is the cause why I fell for that abuser again.
Health care staff abuse me too.
I suffered abuse at work.
When I meet people they end up abusing me.
There is something about me that attracts abusers and I cannot find out what that is.
I know that people who had a good childhood do not suffer abuse like me even from strangers.
I do not blame myself for that, because I know it is not my fault. Even if there is a vulnerability, the abusers are the ones who make the decision to abuse me. Health care staff should know that they are not allowed to abuse me. But they still do it. It is their fault, not mine.
Our parents have broken something in us that needs to be mended. It is a task to find what was broken and how to mend it.I think a first step is to be good to ourselves, not to blame ourselves for anything that happened to us.
The next step is to learn to recognise and identify abusive behaviour immediately and to reject it.
The Freedom Programme helped me so much with this step. You will gain a lot of insight during your counseling and that will make you more alert to abusive behaviour.
Once we are good with instant recognition we need to learn how to respond.
I am working on this now. It is a new field for me and I am clueless. I either react with an outburst of anger or I freeze. Mostly I freeze, I have to admit it. And afterwards I am deeply disturbed that can even lead to suicidal thoughts.Do not blame yourself or think you could have healed earlier. You would probably have met another abuser because you did not have the awareness that you have now.
Childhood abuse is extremely damaging and deeply rooted. Most victims learn very late in life to overcome it. Your time is now. It is probably the perfect time.
I am glad that you are compassionate with yourself.
You deserve to be good to yourself and to spoil yourself.
You were born as a perfect human being and you remove all the covers that bad people put over you and you find that perfect human that can enjoy life and feel unlimited freedom and happiness. -
Thank you Ayanna. I think you’re right, if it hadn’t been my husband it would have been another abuser. It was my norm to be abused, it felt like home. I also suffered abuse from various managers at work. I expected to be treated that way, I was terrified of everyone. My counselling has helped me understand how my disorganised attachment style led to me to relate to people in this way. I read a very helpful book called ‘parenting from the inside out’ which was a big help in understanding this. I had no ability to be assertive or have boundaries so would flip between complete passivity and rage. As you rightly say, learning to have compassion for myself and finally realising that the abuse was not my fault were vital steps. I have slowly become a lot more assertive and I think I’m pretty good at recognising abuse. I think I generally respond with distance, saying to myself it’s not me it’s them, and I choose not to engage with them. I would not risk another relationship for a long time yet however.
Now must be the perfect time because it’s happening now. I just want to be sure I fully realise what happened to me so I can let it go and move forward with no more self-doubt.
You are making such progress Ayanna, after so much abuse and without counselling. I really hope you start to receive all the goodness you deserve in life x*x
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