In tears this morning, and I couldn't help it.

[Serenity]

I was in floods of tears this morning as I dropped off my youngest.

Right or wrong, I literally couldn’t help it. I was sobbing.

My youngest is so rude to me nowadays, whether it’s because he spends time with my my ex and the general noxious behaviour rubs off on him, whether my ex disrespects me to him or ridicules me, or whether my son is just like him, I don’t know, but it is exhausting.

My eldest chooses not to see his dad generally, so my youngest is my ex’s only source.

I have guided my kids through a massive storm and tried to get them to safety. They don’t know that my ex tried to get them out of this house and wanted them to live in a horrible place, whilst he pocketed the money. How could I ever want them to know? How worthless and unloved would they feel! My mum spared us nothing, letting us know exactly how my dad was annoyed by us, wanted his freedom, and other intimate details which a child shouldnt be forced to know. My mum was just using us as a vent, but all the time her divulging details to us about how essentially he didn’t value is was damaging us, because she went on. 24/7. Not to friends, not to counsellors, but to us.

I was a child- I didn’t even know what sex entailed, yet I was told how my dad curved himself on my mum and kicked her in bed when she said no.

I have had to juggle court, his continuing attempts to upset me, reusing the kids, work, house, illness, difficult family members…

My lovely friends are my lifeline.

I was in tears in the car as I dropped him off. He is rude to me every day. MI was in floods. Rightly or wrongly, I couldn’t help it.

This wasn’t about his dad- it was about his behaviour, his he treats me on a daily basis. I said I do so much for him, and he is just unkind back.

He comments on my clothes, my weight, my friends, my time…

My ex had a motor mouth and was very clever, so used words to criticise, confuse, upset people. He had a nasty tongue and could bring someone down with a few choice words. My youngest ( who, by the way, is no baby but is at secondary school) is exhibiting the same deftness with language, but to me, nothing is worth anything in this world as much as kindness.

Now I feel a failure. Yet, how can you not get upset if you have daily put downs?

Sorry for venting.

[godschild]

Oh Serenity, I do feel for you, I have seen traits in my own son at times and he has gone at me ion the most awful way , so I do understand how this feels, i have not seen my son (removed by moderator) and he has taken his Dads part very much, so i do have experience as to how you feel, i have shed many many tears. Abuse fractures families and the children react in so many different ways, I was reading a book last night and it said that the bond between a mother and child can be affected by the abuse, we women loose out in so many ways and as Moms we do our utmost to love and guide them, nurture them we carried them and then when they behave like this it is so so hurtful.
In the book it also said that boys often end up like thier Dads not sure if this is learned or if it is generational issue.
I feel for you as a Mom, my Daughter has also turned on me many times and blamed me and even said she does not know how her dad has stayed with Me !!!!!
Your Son is mimicking his Dads behavoir, it maybe inherited or learned or both.
Teen years are difficult to navigate anyway and our children can be so hurtful and if there are issues they will take it out more on us.
You have tried so hard to protect your sons and not talk to them negativly about their Dad, no way are you a failure at all and there is nothing wrong with crying the hurt out, its vital for survival.
Maybe your son has adverse feelings about his Dad and may feel unable to speak about them as you dont talk negatikly about him yourself, can you sit down and try to have a heart to heart with him ask him if anything is hurting him
I dont know the answer but you must stand against your Sons wrong behavoir and pull him up even ask him why he is so disresepectful to you, is his Dad hurting him and he is taking it out on you. big Hugs and my sympathy and empathy on this , our children hurting is about one of the most dreadful hurtsxxxxxxxxxxx

[Serenity]

Thank you, Godschild. Your words are so helpful.

Are you ok? You haven’t posted for a while?

[Healthyarchive]

Dear serenity, did you see the new discussion group starting today about abuse from children? X

[godschild]

Hi Serenity,
im not to bad, coping day to day, I do challenge him but he is in denial of the truth, He can be pretty nice for a few days then he changes but I can see the general behavoirand attiude underneath it all, so i just take it day to day with him.I got a bit thrown one day last week as he had the worst outburst since the start of the year, I have no WA worker now , only got 3 months by phone and last week I tried to call the line but you can never get through, in the past,I would not have recovered myself as quickly as I did last week so im stronger and have moved forward a bit.
I do post on here sometimes mainly to answer others, a few ladies I had got to know on here are not on anymore but i do PM one lady regulally and that is good xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi serenity,

It is true what godschild says that our children hurting us is about one of life’s dreadful hurts. Your ex cannot hurt you directly (remember his main aim is to upset you, cause you distress and hurt, this is then fuel for him. He gets off on your hurt). He can’t do this directly now so he knows if he influences his son (temporarily brain-wash him) his son will carry out this behaviour towards you. Its sort of like a ‘smear campaign’.

My bond between my eldest child has been affected by my ex’s abuse. I’m hoping its only temporary. Our bond becomes stronger the less contact she has with her dad(her and my abuser). At the moment he is making sure he has a lot of contact with her. He knows the effect he can have on her and subtly influence her against me. It doesn’t help my relationship with my daughter that my mum(my primary abuser) is making a lot of contact with my daughter. My mum’s contact with my daughter also weakens the bond between my daughter and I. My daughter can have a contemptuous, distainful look towards me and uses sarcasm a lot. Its difficult for her to see the dynamic as all my family of origin support my mum and all my husband’s family support him. So my daughter’s reality is shaped by the perceptions of 2 whole families who find it easier to side with the abuser than the abused.

I’m going through the same at work. Work colleagues who I have got on with have changed in their attitude towards me. There is a noticeable lack of respect in their attitude towards me. It sounds paranoid but there are a couple of bullies at work and I know they are orchestrating a smear campaign against myself and others who they like to try out their bullish behaviours towards. These work colleagues are being controlled themselves but they believe the ‘lies’ said about me.

Its painful the awareness but I’m not as floored as I was before when my mother’s smear campaign alienated my brother and some relatives against me. Or my ex husband’s smear campaign where he alienated his entire family and his friend’s in their attitude towards me. I must be getting stronger. I want to reach that place where I don’t care. There’s a saying along the lines of ‘I’m 60% sure you don’t like me. I 99% don’t care!’ Not caring is the best revenge against the abuser’s smear campaigns. They do it because they know it works (gossip and criticism turn people against other people). It is another abuser tactic to hurt and distress us. they don’t care. A tactic just like they lie, harass, abuse us financially etc.

Us getting upset is their ‘fuel’. They need our emotion of ‘getting upset’. My job is to keep posting or reading the posts like you have, to get rid of my hurt and get support.

I would say your bond with your is only temporarily affected at the moment, but it sue hurts I know.

[lover of no contact]

typo-I would say the bond with your son is only temporarily affected.

[KIP.]

Hi Serenity, there will come a time when you truely harden your heart. I love my son but I don’t like his behaviour. I’ve had to put a huge wall up or he will destroy me. I gave him the power to make me feel small, weak and vulnerable all over again. I took that power back and he will never have that power over me again. I hate to say it but I think there is a nasty gene that some children inherit. No matter what we do or say. That abuser gene gets passed down. Even when I explained to my son how his father hurt me, he belittled me and minimised the behaviour. My advice is to harden and save yourself. Or this behaviour will break you.

[Serenity]

Thanks all,

HA, I didn’t see the new discussion group about children, and I need to wok out how to access it, because I couldn’t last time I tried.

Godschild: I am glad you recovered more quickly, even without support. It shows you are in a strong place.

LONC: so sorry to hear about your work situation.

Isn’t it awful, when you are a child, you are taught right from wrong. You naively imagine that therefore all- or most- adults must be moral. But unkind behaviour from adults is more common than you think.

I am glad that, like Godschild, you are more able to bounce back and this proves you are in a strong place.

I – like you both- was feeling very strong, but I think I have been weakened a bit over the past few weeks through his various antics. And it is tiring, having your child drip feed you contemptuous comments day after day. I recognise the contemptuous looks you describe.

I know it is ALL due to him having contact with his dad. It’s so damaging that he does. I can see a remarkable change in my elder son, since he’s majorly cut off contact with his dad- since his dad was unkind to him on holiday recently- it’s like looking at a different child. He doesn’t look tortured, or angry, or upset. You can feel the peace and calm emanating off my eldest at the moment, like he’s free of his abuser. It’s hard to describe.

From things my ex boasted about over the years, I don’t think my ex was very kind to his mother as a child. His mother was a people-pleaser and lacking in confidence, and my ex took full advantage of that. He didn’t respect his mum. I think he’s trying to get my kids to disrespect me, to repeat the pattern.

i suppose It has done my youngest good to see me at boiling point. He needs to know that everyone has their limits. I don’t want to be like my ex’s mum, desperately trying to win her unkind son’s affections. I’ve been there, done that. I can’t do it again.

Every cell in my body is rebelling against letting that abusive scenario happen all over again. I would rather teach him a tough lesson. He can go and live with his dad if he is going down that abusive path. He won’t last five minutes. My ex is a nightmare to live with. Then, he will need to return in my terms. I can’t be victimised all over again.

Its great that you are in a strong place where you can bat it off, LONC. I normally am, but today was not a good day. I even feel like I am becoming a bit disillusioned. I don’t want to be as giving as I used to be, but that’s bad, as I can’t let my experience change me. I don’t want to become a n********t like him.

[Serenity]

Hi KIP,

Sorry, I think I was writing as you posted, so I missed your post.

How uncanny: you write about having to harden your heart, and I write about exactly that!

I was afraid I was becoming a n********t. When my son was being unkind today, I didn’t feel one ounce of self-blame ( my old response): all I was thinking was- no, this wrong, I am not putting up with this, I wish I could just get away from my son. It’s like, I haven’t got it in me to go through it again. My life is worth more than that.

However, I am worried. It felt weird to harden my heart, as I have always been so soft. As I walked around the shops today, I felt like I wanted to just cut myself off from everyone, get my jobs done and go home. I was looking at people with mistrust. Maybe that’s because I was in a very emotional
and triggered state. Xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, i’m sorry that you are having all of this upset with your youngest. I don’t have children so i’m limited to what I can contribute. But I do know that when i was a young teenager, i had no interest in anything respectable and normal and all I wanted to do was mess about, get into trouble and have fun. Rules, parents & school were all a total bore & being bad and getting into trouble was so much more exciting. It can’t be easy for your son having all of the hormones of a young man with a manipulative unkind dad to contend with at the same time. We all know how clever and devious these men are, they can get into someones mind very easily, young people i’m sure are not shrewd in how to spot the calculated manipulations as even us adults struggle with this. I wouldn’t mind betting that your ex knows how to get to your youngest son. Your son is therefore taking away all of that poison & dumping it somewhere. I’m sorry that he is being so unkind and upsetting you so much. This is bad of kids, i know at times i am not the most considerate towards my mum, but I love her dearly. Sometimes we dump on those close to us too as its an easy option. Sorry if i can’t be much help with this. XXXXX

[godschild]

Sernity, after my bad bout of abuse at the start of the year, I “hardened my heart ” somewhat , but I think the truth is many ladies on here have too softer a heart and out up with so much and we need to consider ourselves more, yes its good and right to help others and be there but if you are like me you tend to put others first at your own neglect at times and put up with all manner of things,so i think we need to more balanced , no way is it narcisstic to take care and guard your heart and look after yourself, we cannot totally put ouselves out to others all of the time, my Husband seems to expect that i can and can be pretty hurtful if I step back and think of me but i am learning to, its not really hard heart its protecting you more , we are too soft hearted often often for our own good and the abuser gives us the message we are not worthy or worthwhile we have to reject that message.
You were in an emotional state today and we all have off days and issues and there was nothing wrong in wanting to cut people off,your mind needed time to process the hurt, that is normal when you feel distressed as you did, give yourself some slack, you are just reacting to the hurt you felt xxxxxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Bless you Serenity, I agree with Godschild that you’re being too hard on yourself. I have reacted just the same this past week, wanting to hide away from the world, not wanting to bother with people and crying in front of my children. It’s not how I’d choose to be, but I think it goes to show that we all react in the same way to abuse. It is a natural and seemingly unavoidable reaction and not our fault. Firm boundaries are assertive not n**********c. You don’t need to be hard hearted to expect respect, in fact it is an act of kindness as you are preventing him causing more harm and teaching him how to love and care for himself. Give yourself lots and lots of love x*x

[Serenity]

Thanks, Peaceful Pig,

You’ve always encouraged us all to show ourselves more compassion, and you are right.

You can’t take water from an empty well. I can’t operate as I once did whilst I am coping with such things as I am. I need to be gentler with myself!

Xx

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