in the calm

[Swan123]

I’m in the calm…pretty much we are being avoidant of each other -which I don’t mind, but feels as dysfunctional. When I’m in this period, it’s almost like I have amnesia and forget everything that’s gone on before including the latest bout of physical abuse. I dislike the weekends anyway, as I always feel anxious, because we never can do anything ‘nice’ all together as a family, and I’m tense waiting for things to turn controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive. But this weekend feels hard, because I’m on edge – me. He hasn’t done anything…and then I go into ‘Is it me?’ thinking….filled with self doubt and thinking am I the one causing problems and dysfunction. I know I’m not, but in the calm, I feel like that…and he’s as cool as a cucumber, laughing and being with the children when he’s choosing, like nothing is wrong. I’m feeling ill as well…he hasn’t checked I’m ok. I don’t know why I am expecting him to? I crack on anyway. Had a Covid test – all negative which is good, but all these things, tell me things are not ok. It’s feeling sh*ty even in the calm…and sitting with this discomfort is feeling awful. This is my winter of discontent.

[fizzylem]

Wow so eloquently put! A perfect description for many I’m sure, I can rmember this well, in the calm avoiding what’s wrong. Written with such clarity S! Great post. Hugs x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Swan123
Quite understandably you feel on edge, you know this calm phase of his is just part of the cycle of abuse. Next phase is tension building until detonating into an abusive outburst and back to nice calm again.
Keep track of his cycles, document and time the length of his nice phase so you can use this time productively for yourself.
You weren’t dreaming; the nasty cruel episodes were really happening, you are just exhausted, your brain is giving you a break by attempting to forget them or becoming numb to them.
Keeping track of his abusive cycles by writing them down ( just high-level is enough) will give you more head space, speed up with your plans when the phase is calm.
Contact WA during the week if you can, gather information. And perhaps plan a weekend off for just yourself at a friends or family’s house. To breathe and rest.
Take care, weekend’s almost over, keep breathing 💕

[Lotus20]

I felt you wrote on my behalf, exactly the last few weeks of my life with him when I already got to know the cycle of abuse. It is such a familiar feeling now and all the time that I felt it for over years. Its going to be so so difficult to unlearned what we have learned and uncondition what we have been conditioned, even after leaving the abused. Trust me, its not you, I can say this to you but I need to hear it myself from someone ales. It’s hard to believe otherwise is so so deep in our mind and brain and body that’s hard to relaise.

All the best

[Optimystic]

I’m new to the cycle of abuse but already I know that I hate the calm! This when I’m expected to be lovey dovey and affectionate, having fun with him etc. and it makes me feel sick and anxious because I don’t want to be what he wants. Let’s go for a family meal he’ll say all excited! He’ll drink beforehand, shout at mistakes I make driving there and embarrass me and my child before telling me to eff off at the table if I complain. It’s just the waiting for abuse that I can’t stand. I’d rather have the abuse. Except it hurts my son so it’s such a conflict that I try to keep the peace. Exhausting. I hope you’re ok x

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