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I have reported him for something today.
I know that me and my children have the right to live in peace without his harassment and manipulation.
I know it’s OK to complain.
I know I have rights.
This is so minor in comparison to telling the police about the rapes all that time ago.
Why oh why do I still feel such dreadful anxiety?!
It’s him that’s doing something wrong, not me!
How frustrating. -
It is awful isn’t it. I had forgotten how awful the amxiety is. I am walking around with a constant knot in my stomach even though I haven’t dome anything other than say no.
Jhst remember he has done this it isn’t your problem it is his.
Maybe book a gp appointment to talk about the anxiety it is causing you.
I feel like I ham building a card house and am waiting for that whiff of air that is going to blow it all over. -
Thank you. Saying no to him is still so hard. My counsellor says I should use my anger (I don’t have much) to put a stop to his games. She said this because I sat there sounding like a victim saying ‘there’s nothing I can do’. Well there were things I could do and I’m doing them. But I still don’t feel strong.
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I remember that showing any negative emotion who result in a problem, normally him looking at me with total contempt and disgust, storming out and not speaking to me for 2 weeks. I would then have to contact, beg please and wheedle just to get back to normal. Any sort of negativity from me was taboo, anger, hurt, disgust etc etc. My ex’s preference was for me to be permanently smiley, sexy, forgiving, generous, available etc etc.
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Thank you, yes you are right that I am totally conditioned to have no rights to complain and expect punishment if I do. I managed to feel this, recognise where it comes from and do it anyway. I have learned that despite my fears, the only way to convince myself that things are different now is to act differently. I am feeling stronger about it now. It was helped by learning about yet more horrible behaviour towards my children. I find it much easier to be angry on their behalf than my own. My inner lioness can’t be tamed so easily! Xx
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I am still learning to say to anything not just him that this is wrong and report where I need to. I still struggle with the anxiety with speaking up. But it is getting easier.
When it comes to him it is now taking me hours to come down and not days or weeks.
I still question at times but I now have a whole new tool box of learning and examples to remind me what I have done is the correct thing to do.
I also learnt the hard way, it didn’t matter what I did, if I was good and did what he demanded, or if I stood my ground for my boundaries and respect the outcome from him was always eventually the same.
Now I chose to respect myself and protect and make sure the ones I love and carefor are also safe and respected.
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