Insane, crazy-making mother

[SunshineRainflower]

I am struggling so much and just need to get it out and get some support.

My parents are in the process of selling their house where I live. For years my mother discouraged me from working making me believe I was unable to cope with life and that I needed her support. I stopped working and was studying and working on a self employed venture which doesn’t support me.(detail removed by Moderator) they had the house valued and were going to sell before turning round and saying they’d never sell up and would live here til they die.

(detail removed by Moderator) she suddenly declared by text that they were selling up, and had found a place they wanted to buy. They have offered me some money to rent. But they’ve put me in a terrible position because it’s very hard to rent when you have no job and this way I am kept dependent on them. If I’d known in advance they were selling I could have started looking for work and a place of my own much sooner so I could have been independent.

My mother is using similar tactics that my ex used, crazy-making behaviour that I am sure is deliberately designed to keep me stressed, off balance, angry, confused and in despair. She acts ‘nice’ for a few weeks before dropping a bombshell framed as an accident. For example, before announcing they were selling up she sent me a lot of ‘accidental’ texts and calls about houses they were looking at, whilst denying they wanted to sell. Then after declaring they were selling, they had the house valued, and a few days later she sent me a text asking if I needed help tidying the lounge for the photographer. This was the first time she’d mentioned the photographer, I assumed he was coming next week. I was about to go out to meet a friend. I texted back to ask when the photographer was coming and it was the next morning! I had just emptied the loft of things to declutter, give to charity and ebay so she knew I’d have to spend hours putting it all away again and tidying, hoovering the house. I asked why she didn’t give me some notice as I could have spent the whole day tidying up if I’d known, and said that she had written me ‘(detail removed by Moderator)‘ She then tried to insist she would help tidy. She seems to have selective memory when it suits her and always puts herself in the position of ‘caring person who only wants to help.’ She frequently lies about things. I am certain there was no text or email and she deliberately dropped the photographer bombshell on me to destabilise me and give me such short notice she hoped I’d need her ‘help.’ She loves to drop these crazy destabilising landmines on me whilst acting all innocent and like the poor suffering mother with a difficult crazy daughter and often says things like ‘I was only doing it to help you.’ Cruelties framed as care. I am now certain that I have had depression and anxiety because of years of living with my crazy awful abusive family.

I’m so stressed. I look like I’ve aged 10 years. I’m not sleeping well or eating properly or exercising or doing the stuff that helps me stay calm. Every day I am decluttering, looking for work and looking at flats but so far all have been either filthy, mouldy or near to high crime estates. It’s hard finding anywhere and being stable when she is creating so much chaos for me, I never know what is coming next. I am sure she will book in viewings when I’m in the middle of something then she’ll pretend she texted me but ‘it didn’t send.’ My ex often used to pretend not to receive text messages whilst telling me that I needed to text him daily otherwise he would think I was dumping him and would start ‘vomiting at work with anxiety.’ I used to feel so stressed about each message worrying it hadn’t got through as he’d act all anxious and irritated and ring me up 10 times in a row asking where I was and what I was doing.

She seems to know the exact thing to do or say to enrage me, then she never apologises for anything, acts like a victim/martyr and I look like the bad daughter if I am angry or unhappy about it. It is absolutely insanity-inducing.

But I am so trapped because I still don’t have work despite applying for several jobs. My parents have said they will be guarantors for me, but it doesn’t feel good knowing I will still be depending on these crazy people when I move out. I literally have no choice right now. I am sure she’s done it on purpose as she loves it when I have to depend on her so she can treat me like a child. She makes me sick.

[Ayanna]

You need to go to the citizen’s advice bureau.
Register yourself as ‘in danger to become homeless’ so that you are on the list for a council flat.
Find out which legal responsibilities they have as parents. Maybe they have to pay you maintenance until you can look after yourself?
Contact social services.
Do not try to do everything on your own.
Look for outside help.
You have been emotionally abused very badly and it will be difficult to sort all this out on your own within this short time.
Also, do not feel responsible to support them with making the house look nice for the photographer and potential buyers.

Speak to your GP too.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Just wanted to send u hug , I too am going back to my parents house as can’t find anything , hope u find something soon , maybe while u have to take what comes first maybe just take them up as gurantoor , I know u don’t want to do this but if it gives u a temp roof over your head it’s an option . Def get support around u , I know I’m in my late thirties and cause my kids r pass teenagers no support is available for me. Try continue eating to keep your energy up otherwise I can’t focus

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Ayanna and Confused,

I looked round a flat today (the 7th one I’ve looked round in 2 weeks) and to my surprise I liked it, it’s so much nicer than anything I’ve seen and am going to apply for it. It’s not perfect but it was clean, cosy, warm, has a spare room I could use as my study, is in a really good safe area, is in walking distance to shops, cafes and bus routes and it has a nice view over the city. It could do with a fresh coat of paint and isn’t too bright at the back due to trees but that’s pretty much it. I got the feeling it would be a safe, calm place for me and my cat to start our new chapter and do some healing after all the stress of this year. It’s also nowhere near my awful scary ex so I wouldn’t have to worry about bumping into him at the local shops although a previous (non abusive) ex boyfriend does live on the street with his new wife (!) which is awkward but would be bareable.

I will see if I am accepted. The landlady really wants a tenant asap so hopefully this will go in my favour, and she has said a cat is ok (it’s quite a spacious flat and I think my cat would be happy there with nice views to watch nature and space to run around).

I spoke to a really nice lady again at the Samaritans and told her about the kinds of things my mum does and she really validated my feelings, she said what my mum had done was awful and emotionally abusive and totally seemed to get what I was saying (when I tell my friends and my previous volunteer manager about the things she does they all just act irritated with me like I should never criticise my mother and say things like ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean it’ type of stuff which just made me feel much worse and even more alone).

Thanks for supporting me on here, I really appreciate it. I went out for a nice walk through the woods today, bought myself some dinner out in a nice cafe as a bank holiday treat to myself and have had a peaceful day for a change.

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