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My self-esteem is by now really terrible. For a long time I’ve had this niggling thought that if I had never displayed a negative emotion towards or about my ex, things might have been better between us. I’m beginning to wonder if he needed his ego stroked constantly, as he seemed to react most positively to me when I was agreeing with him, building him up, supporting him etc.
I feel like I’ve been the worst version of myself. I was always so insecure and quite jealous, which makes me feel like I’m just as bad. I’m not blaming him entirely for this, although I do know I was never like this before. His actions from the start of the relationship did nothing to build on and maintain trust and openness.
The one that affected me the most when we first got together, is he told me a girl at (removed by moderator) suggested they have casual sex. He was more or less feeling out my boundaries, and said (detail removed by moderator). He asked how I might feel about that and I told him it made me feel sick, and was really disrespectful to both me and the girl. I didn’t press for details about her because I didn’t feel the need to. He was always leaving out names, instead referring to people as “a friend”. It always made me wonder but again I didn’t pry. Then he would talk about several girls (removed by moderator) who were chasing him, and I couldn’t keep track of it, but got the strong impression they were all involved in his friendship circle. Eventually I discovered who the original girl was…(detail removed by moderator). I found out other things, (removed by moderator). I felt in myself that he had no intentions of friendship with her, but was leading her along.
(Detail removed by moderator).
There was other things as well, just the way he spoke about and interacted with female friends made me really uncomfortable. He said to me once he enjoyed having female friends for harmless flirting. I felt I was constantly comparing myself and always on edge that he’d chuck me for someone else.
Eventually it got to the point where I’d get really anxious and sometimes sarcastic / snappy towards him when it came to social events like parties. I felt he disregarded me to speak to another girl at one of his (removed by moderator) parties. I was hungry and tired that night so I took a break from the party (removed by moderator). Later on the girl he’d been sitting with was giving such horrible looks. I remember she wouldn’t break her gaze from me and was very stony; I didn’t know what to make of it. She physically cut between us to give my partner a cuddle so that I was pushed to the side. It sounds really pathetic, I know, but something just felt really off.
I’ve never tried to limit him, never wanted to do that. He’s tried to depict me as not understanding the concept of solitude when he knows I’m incredibly introverted and quiet, and most of the time I am solitary. I think he was just trying to find a way to potentially make himself feel better about taking off for a while. Eventually he stopped doing this and just dropped out when he wanted to / felt like it.
I’ve just needed this ramble, it’s been on my mind and there’s a lot more swirling about.
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Hi there, this sounds so much like what I had. My situation I also had an element of doubt about, as I remember in the past before i met him I have had quite severe jealousy issues. I think in the back of my mind I thought a problem was there on my part which made it more difficult for me to clearly see & manage the situation realistically. I never trusted my ex, from the beginning. When we split up I put a simple basic question into the Internet “how to build trust in relationships “. All what came up, my ex did the complete opposite of.it wasn’t just about women, it asked things like “is he reliable?” “Does he admit to being wrong?”. Doing that quiz made me realise that I trusted him less than 1%. Then throughout the whole of our relationship there were the harem on women who just happened to be there in the background, from what I saw they more more than innocent acquaintances. I have since learnt about n**********c fuel & i really believed he loved knowing is he wanted to he could click his fingers & one of those women would come running. He were flirty, controlling, he would study body language & knew how to control women. Thinking logically he certainly, apart from really good sex, had nothing to offer, but he got the words, body language, just the right amount of interest he got this all finely tuned to make himself a magnet to women. When I knew him there were at least 4 women who were more than just someone he knew,I think he permanently dangled a carrot to entice whilst being in a public relationship with me.I did not trust him at all, for the whole first year I suspected I,d landed a conman. I am so much happier now I no longer have such horrible emotions.I want someone who loves & wants me & i will accept nothing less.💪💪💪
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I felt that he revelled in having the attention as well, and of promising or suggesting certain things but rarely delivering on it.
In the beginning of our relationship he was quite boastful, saying things like he was a great catch with no hint of humour, like being completely serious. I felt a little bit intimidated by all his confidence; I think he detected this and would sometimes compare both of our sex lives, saying that when we were together physically I’d be more sexually confident, which made me feel horribly inadequate about my sexual expression in general.
At some point I pulled him up about the way he spoke about girls and women as it felt really off to me. He so often called them “things” but disguised in a complimentary way. And how it was his goal to use certain terms of endearment for different girls and things. In retrospect it seems like a form of enhancing his ego.
We all definitely deserve a relationship with someone whose words and actions reinforces trust and respect. So much of what he gave was just words.
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In a healthy relationship, there is no emotional abuse whereby you make your partner feel insecure.
He’s got into your brain: you thinking maybe if you’d massaged his ego a little bit more is just you internalising his sick view that a woman is there just to boost him and to serve his own ends.
Where was the love, gentleness and concern for you, the positive encouragement and kindness?
He wanted to make you jealous. He wanted you to feel insecure, so you’d work harder pandering to his sick ego. He was playing a cruel power game. I’m glad you didn’t totally acquiesce and become a downtrodden woman any more than you were, that you began to resent his behaviour and showed some spark.
We’re born into this world to achieve our potential, to enjoy life and to live out a positive purpose. We weren’t born to be the okaything of cruel psychopaths and to have our confidence destroyed.
When I was with my ex, I developed a weird thing where I hated saying my name, or hearing others saying my name. It was a sort of phobia. It was like he’d dismantled me so much to think that so had no separate identity apart from him. Just think how these abusers dismantle our identities.
We’re all born as individuals with our own names, talents and positives. We should only have people close to us if they are good for our mental health and wellbeing.
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Hello Serenity,
I think I am beginning to understand the effect he’s been having on my mind. Some time ago now my mum was worried he had a hold on me, but I couldn’t / didn’t want to see it, and thought she was being melodramatic.
His behaviour is confusing to me because he’d say nice things but then act in ways that weren’t consistent, and were extremely upsetting to me.
The loss of identity is something I’m realising more and more…I knew I was falling away from myself, not recognising my emotions anymore. What you say about not liking your name is curious, as I have changed my name since being with him. I noticed he’d use my old name when things weren’t good between us, and address me by my acquired name when things felt good.
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Yes I completely agree with Serenity on all points. I have been out of the relationship and 100% single for some months now. I no longer have crippling anxiety, paralyzing fear, suspicion and a deep feeling of being personally flawed. All of those things, together with your questioning yourself & having self doubt are all absolutely terrible effects of the man that you are with, trying to work it out. Your current state of mind is traumatized and confused and not reflective of normal day to day life. My days now are balanced, I sleep ok, breath deeply not shallow and panicky. I think clearly and EASILY and without effort I have the thinking capacity to make plans for my life as a single person. I could not think with him as i were too fogged out and confused, I could not function as It were a daily fight for survival. You dont’ need that rubbish, show him the door and then you can start putting your life back together again. The trauma bonding is a challenge but you can work through it as I have. X*X
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I’m finding it so difficult; sometimes I just want him to come back, and sometimes things feel okay, like we’re going through a blip. I think I’m swimming in and out of denial.
My brain feels completely scrambled. Your message gives me hope; I really long to reach that point of being grounded and clear-minded.
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You will get there, it takes time. When I first split up and for the first 3 to 5 months I was in bits, totally unable to function with obsessive, intrusive thoughts, yearnign, craving and missing him for every single minute. One day I realized that I had smiled a natural smile, a few days later I noticed that I had belly laughed, it felt fantastic. Then as the time went on I noticed I started to breath more easily, sleep better and have vision for my future. Now I think about him a couple of times a week, its so much less intense. It might help you to look online at the Cycle of Loss diagram. X*X
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