Insecurities

[RedStrawberry]

I know everyone has things they’re insecure about but my ex was over complimentary about these things. He’d say he loved whatever it was. I thought this was nice and that he was boosting my confidence but then he started making comments about my body that no one had ever mentioned before and that I wasn’t insecure about. So I’m now left worrying about more things than before. Is this typical behaviour or has anyone else experienced this?

[Lisa]

Hi RedStrawberry,

Abusers frequently use a mix of behaviours that can feel contradictory and confusing like this. The “nicer” behaviours, like complimenting or reassuring you, create a bond and a dependence on the abuser, the partner might feel that no one else has made them feel as good as the abuser does. The “nastier” behaviours then undermine, make the partner feel bad about themselves, shake their confidence. Using a combination of these behaviours can create a situation where they feel insecure and like the abuser is the only one that would put up with them. An abuser’s aim here is to unbalance the power and control in their favour and make it harder for their partner to leave. This cycle of behaviours can also make someone who is experiencing abuse question their own reality about whether the abuse is as bad as they think or make them believe the abuse is their own fault, when it never is.

I hope this helps you understand this sort of behaviour a bit better. It is really common and I’m sure a lot of the other women on the forum would recognise it as something they’ve experienced.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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