Insight into his thoughts

[Robin]

He was asking me again (removed by moderator) about when we’d next have sex. After (removed by moderator) I’d told him I wasn’t in the mood, and when he asked why it was because I didn’t know when I was with him. (Detail removed by moderator) . He doesn’t say anything nice to me, he shouts, calls me stupid, dense and a c**t and complains about what I’ve done or what I haven’t done. We don’t even sleep in the same room any more. So none of that puts me in the mood.

He asked agains this morning when he was going to ‘get some’. I said you’re not listening to me, you haven’t said anything nice to me for ages and his response was ‘but I havent said anything nasty. You’re changing the rules’.

It occurred to me afterwards that he has an awareness of what he’s doing. Why else would he make the distinction?

[Anonymous]

Hi Robin,

I think they do know what they are doing but I also think that when they do it a lot it becomes second nature. They learn to play the so called rules. They can make nasty comments in jest or they can twist what you have said to their advantage. Either way you should not have to put up with it. x

[Serenity]

What a horrible man.

They feel entitled to sex. How dare he think he’s entitled, after how he has treated you?

My ex was the same. He called me a c— and then expected it. Well, sorry, we aren’t rubber dolls. We are people with real feelings and we must demand respect.

They do know what they are doing, because they are well aware that their impulse is to behave in such a way. Just like you or I might be aware that our impulse is to eat too much chocolate or buy too many shoes. It’s an impulse which abusers use a range of tactics to explain away: some abusers deny it to themselves superficially, others delight in their own badness whilst denying it to others. Abusers can’t help themselves. They have bad impulse control. And the more malignant of them get a power rush by being how they are.

I was watching a documentary on Jeffrey Dahner, the serial killer. He was being interviewed, and they asked him why he killed. He said that those impulses had always been there. He had them at an early age, but couldn’t share them with anyone because he knew people would be horrified. So he kept them inside and they grew. I think our abusers all have the impulse to do harm. It’s just in them. They don’t even think they need to go and get help for it- they can’t help themselves, and they feel entitled to act upon their own bad feelings, even if they know they are wrong. Whereas you and I would be filled with guilt and remorse at having bad thoughts. They don’t have a properly formed conscience. A conscience is what regulates human character, and in that they are lacking.

[Nova]

Robin I’m sorry that you have had to deal with that, the arrogance of the abuser is astounding real & scary. They hit on every level, leaving nothing but destruction, they’re are totally dysfunctional emotionally…just not joined up thinking, like ‘normal’ people. They are seriously messed up.

Serenity, your comments…resonate, I agree with especially …no conscience!

How many times I said that to him, where is your sense of conscience? He demanded To be heard and seen (by shouting or jumping up & down) he didn’t ever get my respect…& he would never give it.
He’d never say thank you.. just a simple thanks for doing that or whatever, just a blank look, to minimise the gesture. Totally ignorant, to anything happy that didn’t involve him, unless on show, obviously to maintain the abusive grip. He’d feign ignorance about any arrangements made by me or simple requests…he went out of his way to be extremely unhelpful..,like literally not helping one iota, and made no excuses…just didn’t do it.

If I asked him to do something like take the bin out…he’d say .,do not tell me what to do! Like I’d asked him to climb Mount Everest, he’d smash things I liked, accidentally, on purpose. If I made a coffee for just me…he’d make a HUGE deal about it storm through in the kitchen thumping around slamming doors!! Saying I’d NEVER do that to you…umm ok cup of coffee, note to self, so scary and unpredictable.
So unreasonable and screwed up, a lot of this is only coming up now…I’ve buried it as self protection, it helps me to get it out.

C x

[KIP.]

Hi Robin, having been in your position a while ago and now being free I have a different perspective. The sexual abuse, and that’s what it is, happened simply because you said ‘no’. You took back control of your body, your life, your decision making, and to an abuser this is abhorrent. Many times my ex tormented me for hours until I agreed to sex then he couldn’t even perform. It’s not about sex, or money, or which diner you put down or which shopping you bought. It’s about him having and keeping the control. By abuse, by bullying, by manipulation. The thought of him not being top dog is just too much for him to bare. The confusing thing is that sometimes the things you think he should be saying ‘no’ to, he actually encourages you. Like a hugely expensive thing I mentioned I wanted. He rushed me out to buy it. Of course he cast it up for years to come about how extravagant it was and how grateful I should be. At the end of the day it was my money too that bought it! Don’t waste your time trying to figure out his behaviour, it’s dysfunctional and dangerous to your mental health and it not going to get any better X

[Robin]

Last night we were chatting, he left the room and we were still talking. The next thing I knew is that he’d gone to bed,he hadn’t said anything to me. Tonight he said goodnight but that was it. I know he’s annoyed that we have entered had sex but he hasn’t said or asked. Sometimes I feel I want to just for the closeness but when it comes to it I can’t bring myself to start anything.

I think it’s the criticism. (Removed by moderator) he was cross that (removed by moderator) and what would we have, what had I been doing for the last (removed by moderator) hours, I could’ve gone to the shop. He totally missed that he’d said I shouldn’t go as very busy, id done housework, lunch, comforted kids and was on ha d to help him do dig but none of this counted.

I hate these times, when there doesn’t seem to be any obvious signs of abuse to point to but feeling low because nothing you do counts or is good enough. I want to go but these days wonder if it’s me. I have to keep reminding myself of the pain he caused but then think but he hasn’t physically hurt me since (removed by moderator) …And then I reminded myself of how he made our son cry when he was shouting every weekend revolved around him and birthday parties. I’m just confused the pain is there and I can’t forget that something isn’t right between us but I feel worried about dealing with even though it’s the right thing to do. It’s wrong I know, but sometimes I just wish for an angry outburst from him, just to prove I’m right.

[Nova]

Hi Robin…my last post rambled on a bit! I just type away as lots of things come up for me as I’m fresh out of the ‘fire'( what I call the ‘relationship’)
…anyway I feel for you I know exactly what your talking about.
He did the same just walked out the room and went to bed, ignoring. your not to blame for any of this it’s a toxic situation and your in the middle of it.
These small/big incidents are confusing, that’s their game..something you can’t quite put your finger on, yet you know it’s not ‘normal’.
I used to think, bottom line,this just isn’t love…why would I feel so neglected, unhappy, nervous, sad, & alone?
The anger is constant & so is fear & it’s totally unreasonable to demand..also why didn’t he think about food, and take himself to the shop?
Who do they think they are?
..to demand anything of you or anyone? a dictator?
So we don’t get more confused,they are bullies and abusers.

Maybe reading The Dominator, Pat Craven will help you clarify things…insightful & empowering.

These tricks he’s using, they are all part of abuse ‘treatment’ keeping you guessing, you minimise things and just do it, for peace, probably!
..I never worked it out after many years, I was confused, like you and searched for answers, is it me, is he depressed? (that’s a common lie & even if he was, it doesn’t excuse on any level abuse) I must try harder, I’m in deep, lots of things entrapped me, house, family, friends etc..so just get on with it!

No one mentioned financial and emotional abuse to me.
Things would be ok then rubbish and back and forth, totally inconsistent, as you describe.

Keep strong keep reading up about the n********t it may help your understanding of your life, to help you uncover the reality of him.

Hugs C X

[Author]

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