insomnia

[wakingup]

I constantly wake throughout the night with my jaw ground into the back of my head. I actually broke a piece of my tooth off (detail removed by moderator) years ago grinding my teeth in my sleep.I’ve had it filled three times and its become a habit I even do during the day now. Stress causes the weirdest things. I woke at 2 and now find myself on here again. I fell asleep earlier engrossed in stories of women who are going through exactly the same. And I thought I was alone and out of my mind. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I hope to one night sleep right through and wake without that feeling of dread of how do I get through today. I’m on the first rung of freedom and scared of the mind games which he’s already started and what he will do next. He’ll literally do things to hurt and demoralize me. Wuthvall the reading ice been doing over the last few days I’ve realized I wasn’t loved but objectified. I looked the word up over and over again. That word was me. I usually try give myself an hour before forcing myself back to sleep or drifting off with eye strain under the blue glare of my phone constantly reading the news to block out my feelings. I’ve aged more in the last few years with moving in together but I’ve had over (detail removed by moderator) of abuse that I didn’t even know I was in. How the hell didn’t I know. In the beginning he was so full on and sexual and made me feel head over heels and so flattered but looking back he made me become obsessed with him and that I wasn’t gonna get anyone else as good as him. I had become a shadow of my former self. I didn’t know who I was or my worth. Then when I put all my money into buying a house and he put nothing I still didn’t wake up. I was just conditioned by then to do what he wanted. I became resentful and withhdrawn didn’t care about my appearance or who I was. I lost my brother and my world fell apart. I became dependent on him. He witheld money and watched me struggle meet the bills. I put things on credit cards to build the home and when I couldn’t meet the payments he made go to a debt advisor and stop paying my cards. In my life I’ve never missed a payment and I didn’t even have an overdraft and now I’d become financially dependent on him which gave him more control. I was now emotionally and financially abused. And this is the part were I started to wake up. Sorry for the rant at this time in the morning. Now I’ll try sleep before my alarm goes off. Dream I’m away and hopefully it will come true.

[Nova]

Hi and welcome!

It’s tough to recognise that you’ve been involved in a coercive controlling ‘ relationship’ …my own situation followed a similar patter, and many other ladies on this forum, so your not alone. I found this forum of support and it been a revelation! The tactics they use to control & manipulate, know no boundaries.

I found that reading up on the whole picture helped, The Dominator by Pat Craven a DA worker is enlightening goes through the different characters they play out.

I too suffer with insomnia and give into it, happens so often, as you say best keep to an hour awake…as it really affects the day.
Now you know what’s going on, maybe chat to WA when you feel ready, if you want to of course, they have lots of expertise & support.

The mind games emotional control wise is heavy, as you say it takes a long time to even recognise it, I didn’t for over a decade..though I wracked my brain for answers for years and years. I thought it was me, I went to the GP, he had twisted and conditioned ( good word btw) like brain washing…that he was always right and I was left drifting through a confused fog…

I eventually ended that (detail removed by moderator). I just had reached the end of the line, in lots of ways…couldn’t take another minute of it, or him..for my own tolerance of his treatment. I’d literally had it, no more going round in circles, shouting upset confusion, and repeat..NO more.

There were several red flags so quick in succession, bereavement, losing a job ( due to stress from him) a major health issues zero support and his neglect and emotional cruelty + micro managing me into a corner …he took away a lot friends family finances ( he said he was stashing cash for our old age …yea right!) time is a major loss, I’d need another post, withholding affection, ( after my Mum died especially nasty) self esteem, support, confidence & practical things like driving! & breaking ‘ accidently’ Possessions All sorts…a real head case. Nasty piece of work, not to the rest of the world though…he’s Mr Nice guy, not!

So your not alone …read up about love bombing, hoovering, Stockholm syndrome, real eye openers, and say so much about the tactics which have been used purposefully to inflict a whole barrel of pain.

Keep posting and feel free to DM me if you want day…or night! Excuse any typos it’s way too early to focus on the screen!

C x

[wakingup]

Dear Cuppa,

Thank you so much for being there. Everything you just said is me. I too went the GP thinking i was going nuts. In the beginning I kept changing jobs thinking I was unhappy in my job and it was him all along. But I just couldn’t see it. He too was Mr Nice to everybody but I used to think my god nobody knows him. He used to say to me ‘any of your friends would love to be with me’ ??? What the hell??

I’m still in the same house at the moment so it’s so difficult and he’s still playing mind games. At least my son’s not here and I just have to stay in the back room and ride the storm till the house goes.

I will read up on the stuff you told me to read and day by day can only get better.
What does DM mean ? Sorry I’m still learning.

Thank you

Wakingup xx

[wakingup]

Cuppa,

I too lost my brother a few years ago and I had no support from the monster. It was like I was meant to just get over it and get on with life. But I tell you this with honesty, I know my brother in some strange way, and please don’t think I’m mad, my brother has been sending me signs for some time now. White feathers appear everwhere when I walk my dog, certain songs he loved come on the radio when I’m feeling low and i would dream about him and wake up crying wishing he was here. I’m doing this for my sanity, for my son’s safety and happiness and my brother. He lived life to the full and I’ve not lived at all the whole time I’ve been with him.

X*x

[Author]

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