19th May 2016 at 1:00 pm #17585AnonymousInactive
Adult safeguarding rang yesterday to see how things are (anyone else think its strange they check up on me despite being closed?) As it happened despite my I won’t tell them anything stance, things have got to the point where i needed to offload. My son has now targeted my pregnant daughter and as she is living with us you can imagine this has turned into quite the powder keg. I protect her he turns on me and that is where we are at at the moment. She cant stand by and watch how he is with me and will always stick up for me too. We went from a couple of incidents to him flying off the handle over the slightest thing. it It is not safe for her or her unborn child here anymore and even she has said it won’t work. This guts me because I like having her around.
I played down a lot of it but I have told the social worker about my worries for her safety and how the situation is becoming really difficult. She has agreed to speak to someone from housing if they contact her and stress the fact that I would never ever kick her out but her safety has to be my priority. She quite validly pointed out to me that it should be him going not her and I agree but he will target her if he thinks that she is to blame for him to getting kicked out and I would never allow that to happen. The simplest way is to get her out of harms way and then find a way forward for the rest of us.
He drives everyone away and I push them away because I get scared they will get hurt and I think well he is my problem not theirs. The social worker pointed out about the baby and how can I have a relationship with him if he will get jealous and it reminded me of how I had to back away from a young family that I had got involved with because of his intense jealousy when I had the children. I remember that fear like it was yesterday and how it broke my heart to cut contact with them but I had no choice. I can’t even put my finger on it what scared me most I just know my instincts were screaming these kids aren’t safe.
It is like a simmering intense jealousy, I can’t explain it properly. When my eldest moved back in with us he was like that and ended up setting fire to the kitchen. I never put the pieces together till last night I always thought there was no precursor to the fire but there was, it was his jealousy. I think it is because he flipped out over a minor thing last night at my daughter and the hate that he directed at her was really scary and it reminded me of how he was with my eldest back then.
So here I am wondering how we are going to move forward, the social worker was right i don’t want to spend my whole life pushing others away to keep them safe because i am missing out on so much. I even said to him last night you lay one hand on her and I swear you will never step foot in this house again, he was so wound up I knew the only way to stop him was the fear of me kicking him out. He has stopped going to his gfs, it almost feels like he is marking his territory because of the threat of his sister. His attachment to me is so bizarre because when he knows I am alone he is not bothered with me but add other people to the mix and suddenly this jealousy rears. I sometimes wish that I had contact with men who would be able to withstand him and who could stand their ground with him and refuse to be bullied out so he learns I am not his property. Although that would be pretty difficult because I am now intensely wary of men too and with the exception of one or two who are professional I have no contact. Sorry mega long post but needed to get it all out
I will add, the social worker has stated at the end of our conversation that she will check in every week and that my case is open on her desk. (i am not sure it was ever closed). Sounds sad but I could quite happily have cried with relief when she phoned and when she said she would help. I hate asking for help and generally dont for myself but the situation at home has me so worried.
19th May 2016 at 1:18 pm #17587
This is awful, he is controlling everyones lives. You should be able to have your Daughter around and what will happen when the baby arrives, he will no doubt be jealous of the baby as well. It is typical of abusive men to want to be teh centre of everything and want no one else to have you, yet they dont treat you properly. Mine got much worse with his abuse after my Son was born.
I just dont know what to suggest , he really should be the one to go, but even if you did kick him out I doubt that would be the end of it , he would get worse due that.
It is intolerble for you to be in this situation, he is ruling your life and having your daughter and a grandchild would be a real joy for you and you should not have to make the choice of her leaving.
I really feel so much for you in this awful situation, but just don’t know what to say as it seems immposible to stop him getting what he wants but he could stop you even seeing your grandchild with his jealousy, is this your first grandchild, I send you a big hug which seems futile with what you are going through, keep posting and PM me anytime for support, just feel so helpless to offer any solutions xxxxxx
19th May 2016 at 1:37 pm #17588AnonymousInactive
Hi Godschild, Thank you, you are always very supportive sometimes I just need to get it out and having u reply is all the support I need. I never noticed before the pattern, it has been a long time since the fire and this is the first time since then he has been really challenged with a new person. I literally have one friend I see and my kids who pop in before that I used to have lots of friends and a good social life. When his behaviour escalated everyone either disappeared or I pushed them away for the fear they would get hurt. He even used to get jealous of our old Sarge from our local station who visited a few times professionally but it was because he was very authoritarian and I used to completely relax in his company because I knew he would not kick off in front of him. He has even got jealous of his own friends if he thinks we are getting on to well. Sometimes I have to moan about them just to stop him being nasty to them. My mate that comes down we have a funny relationship, I love her to bits but we squabble a lot and we drive each other mad, so he don’t see her as a threat at all. =I have almost conditioned myself to be standoffish and to even moan about them when I notice he is getting jealous of someone. It is ridiculous I do that! xxxx
19th May 2016 at 2:42 pm #17592
They make you do things that protect the situation, I wonder why he is so jealous is he the eldest.
What was he like as a child did he show signs of wrong behaviour then.
Is there another older brother who could step in and speak to him.
I just fear he will ruin the relationship wiht your grandchild, as a new born gets a lot of attention and he wont like it but is something so lovley for you an you should be free to have that wonderful relationship.
It must be really nice having your daughter around as well and her being pregnant nice for her to have her mom.
These abusers spoil so many relationships in what they do, I have lost a lot through mine, friends dont understand or get fed up or dont see the truth of what is going on, havnt seem my Son for over (removed by moderator) months now and he is just (removed by moderator) away and only get visits every so often to see my grandaughters when my daughter who is also controlling sees fit for it. Abuse wreaks havoc xx
19th May 2016 at 7:46 pm #17600AnonymousInactive
He has always been the same and he used to say he wished he was an only child. He is a middle child as such. All the older ones have tried and got nowhere, he tells them to butt out and usually some kind of expletive with it. He has been lovely today and I feel guilty again for even thinking what I do. I love all my kids and I want to be a part of their lives. He seems fine when it is in small doses like when they all come for dinner or they are visiting the problem comes when they move back for a while. I feel like no matter how much I reassure him that I love them all the same that is not enough for him. I like having my daughter here, I enjoy her company and she is a real help as I have been struggling with certain things cos of a problem with (removed by moderator). You have my sympathy it must be awful not seeing much of your kids, I only have one that I don’t see a lot of but he still stays in touch and visits when he can. xx
19th May 2016 at 10:04 pm #17605AyannaParticipant
I do not know what to say, because my actions in such a situation would be very drastic and irreversible for him. Therefore I rather do not voice an opinion.
I send you hugs instead. Know that I am thinking of you, hoping for safety of all of you, especially for your daughter and her unborn child. x*x
19th May 2016 at 10:48 pm #17609AnonymousInactive
Hi Ayanna, thanks for the hugs but its not that shocking it is the way we live, my decision may not be popular but I do what I have to to protect us all x*x
20th May 2016 at 10:48 am #17631
Only you know the best way to deal with this, awful as it is, if you made him leave
I beleive it would get worse and more dangerous, all we can do is be here for you to support you.
People have told me I need to do this that and the other and when I tell them I cannot stay alone or go out alone at all and have no support at all they dont always listen but we have to cope the best way we can and moniter the situation. I would not be able to see my Grandaughters either as the only way we do is to meet them somewhere under my daughters controlling, each situation is different and we need support in where we are at xx
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