Intermittent abuse

[DesperateHousewife101]

I am flummoxed. I have been convinced that my husband is being abusive but today he’s fine.
He’s not pressuring me, not asking questions. He’s being completely reasonable and open. And he often is. And each time, I get over whatever issues we’ve been having and we move forward.
Then he’s a great Dad, showing patience. An attentive husband. Not coercing me into sex or making me feel I should because it’s good for our relationship. Transferring me some money so I can do something nice for myself.

So what the hell is my problem with him and the relationship?

(detail removed by moderator) he was telling me to get out of my rut and saying he’d leave if I didm’t. I was miserable, doubting my self worth and wondering why anyone would like me.
(detail removed by moderator), it’s all fine and dandy, and I’m doubting myself again and wondering if any of it even happened.

Is this a ploy??

Is he just a normal person venting his frustrations, saying things he doesn’t really mean in the heat of the moment?
Where do you draw the line between someone having a hard day and someone being an abuser?
Do they know they’re being abusive?
Do you talk about it with them?

[minimeerkat]

its called intermittent reinforcement – its what keeps any trauma bond going. because the sudden decent behaviour causes such doubt & confusion but also keeps you hoping – hoping that any abusive behaviour prior to this was only because of stress etc etc etc.
and sometimes they can appear nice again purely due to their own agendas
i do wonder if your partner has sensed any change in you at all, because the minute they sense a potential loss of control they can also switch to being on their best behaviour
im unsure whether it would help you at all to even consider discussing the sudden change in him as its extremely likely you will be gaslighted, which would then only make you begin doubting your sanity
probably better to just keep some notes somewhere very safe so its written down & confirming the truth about what behaviour you are seeing in between these pleasant periods x

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you so much. I have looked up intermittent reinforcement and started to keep a log of events. The more I look into this the deeper I realise I’m in.

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