Intimidating others not to help me

[Swallow]

Does anyone know where I stand legally in reporting my-ex for intimidating others against me?

After going through hell to get out of my abusive marriage, non-mol orders, occupation orders, endless lies told about me to friends, family and neighbors – I have now been able to return to the family home with an occupation order in place. I bought and solely own the house and pay the mortgage by myself but for the (detail removed by moderator) months my husband was there alone he has destroyed the house. Bathrooms now need replacing, walls have been knocked though. I started by calling a plumber who is a mutual friend and he said because my ex is so crazy he doesn’t want to get involved. Now I have contacted (detail removed by moderator), and he called my ex out of courtesy to let him know he would be working at the house – my ex has told him he doesn’t want him to do the work or even recommend anyone else to me who could do it. (Detail removed by moderator) called me back saying he now doesn’t feel comfortable to do it because of my ex.

Even though I am ‘free’ I am not really – he still has this influence over my life. It is making me feel hopeless again

[freedomtochoose]

Ok swallow, I get this.

I’ll try to offer something.

I’m shocked at the (detail removed by moderator), mind. If you were willing to contract the work and pay for it I don’t see what your ex had to do with it.

You are saying that you bought and solely own the house…so these are your decisions and not your ex’s.

There is no reason why you should have to explain to anyone (a contractor least of all) why you want the house repaired. You may not be used to doing it on your own..and to be honest the attitude of some contractors is often quite macho so some (not all) are not the most pleasant people you would want in your house.

I would definitely log all this though and what it is financially costing you to repair it.

If you feel strong enough, why not approach another independent contractor – explain that customer service is a priority and you would appreciate someone with people skills. Get an estimate and take it from there…

hope there might be something here you can use
all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Make sure you take lots of photos of the damage and keep all estimates and receipts from repairs. I would also report criminal damage to the police. Even if it’s just your word against his. If you get a crime number you may be able to get the insurance involved to find tradesmen for you. You can ring Rights for Women for free legal advice but unless these people are prepared to give affidavits for the court then I don’t suppose there is much you can do. It’s exhausting I know but look how far you’ve come and how much you have achieved. Keep moving forward. Ignore his nonsense. It always backfires when the truth comes out anyway but I’d be disappointed too if I couldn’t get the help because of his influence. You’re stronger than you know and will get through this despite his best efforts. Pathetic man x

[Swallow]

Thank you. It is so disappointing how far the reach of these abusers go – I don’t understand why (detail removed by moderator) had to ‘let him know’ – it is just really making things worse.
I reported the damage to the police (detail removed by moderator)  and they said he would be arrested but nothing as yet. The insurance route could be an option as I do have a crime reference number?
I am going to call Rights for Women tonight and get some more advice.
I am now calling tradespeople who do not know my husband at all and most are saying they are fully booked until November. So no bathrooms in our home, where our son lives, big holes in walls, gas pipes sticking out the floor – and he is happy for our son to live like this.

[KIP.]

Hey there, I can only imagine the distress this has caused you but just remember that is him primary goal. Ring the victim support helpline and maybe your local council. You cannot have children in a home with no functioning bathroom. You never know the local council may help under the circumstances. I found my local women’s aid had contact at the local council. Keep reaching out. It’s surprising how many genuine people actually want to help us. I was humbled by the help I received. Hang in there. You’re doing great. One huge hurdle over which was getting him out and he’s only shown his true colours by the damage he has caused to where children live too.

[freedomtochoose]

Oh gosh. I don’t understand the (detail removed by moderator) either, some sort of warped sense of male solidarity?

I had that in a different context. People are not understanding what the situation is.

Good that you have an incident number. Insurance route as KIP said would be good idea as especially from the extent of the damage it is not going to be cheap.

Perhaps they can speed up the process of repair also. Maybe they have a 24 hour hotline so you can get things going soon?

It is disappointing. hug
x

[KIP.]

I had to be up front with workmen. The alarm company came out and I told him about the occupation order and restraining order. He was servicing the alarm. He said how long would you like the delay before the alarm goes off? 30 seconds is normal. I remember saying he would be up the stairs and in my bedroom in 30 seconds. I won’t forget the look on that mans face. He set it to 5 seconds. If you have the stomach to explain the whole dangerous situation then often people’s opinion changes. But I was too scared in the beginning to tell people. I felt a weird guilt and fear that he would find out. Now I hide nothing. It’s not my shame.

[Swallow]

I did think about what I am going to say to tradespeople when they come round to my house but then I felt complete fear and the thought of someone seeing me as vulnerable and someone who could be taken advantage of….my therapist asked me how I view men recently, and based on my ex and my own Dad I find it really hard to believe that a man can be all good, and surely behind closed doors they all have a hiding monster that comes out

[KIP.]

I can assure you there are good men out there. I have a dad, three brothers in law and a few ex boyfriends. None of which were psychopaths. All decent caring human beings. Please don’t allow his behaviour to taint other men. If anything you should spot the red flags much earlier x it will take time to rebuild confidence x

[Author]

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