Is any of this normal

[Starmoon]

I haven’t posted in a while… Sorry.
Everything that’s been going on has been so tiring. It’s been such a roller coaster. My on going complaints with ss and the doctors broken confidentiality… And this week I hopefully find out if he’s going to be charged or not. No doubt either way- I will be on here in a state.
At the moment I seem to be socially crashing my way threw each day- and sometimes burning.
Whilst I do recognize allot of his behavior as abusive since finally braking free from him… I’m STILL lost in this never ending cycle of wondering if I was to blame, if I deserved it, if I could’ve changed things and basically having to sift threw memories and seek clarification.
It’s not as bad as it was… Things have gotten better. I went away for the weekend and managed to escape most of my worries. I genuinely relaxed for the first time literally in years. I had little signal so I wasn’t pestered by friends bickering or moaning and because he’s not currently in my life- I didn’t have any of the things he’d throw at me. It’s sort of a relief in a way- that we are finally over for good. I was always so desperate not to lose him that I physically felt I couldn’t live without him.
I clearly can live without him. I function, I look after my children… More than that, I make them happy and they enjoy me even if no one els does!.
But since the end of out relationship I’ve been addressing allot- I’ve had to. I’ve needed to work out what went on and why…. I really have gone from one abuser to the next. I’ve walked into abusive situations and sometimes I may as well have lay on the floor and told people to walk over me. Not only do I feel pathetic.. But I wonder if it really is me that’s the problem. Instead of having boundaries and respectfully standing my ground in situations… I’ve metaphorically bounced around like a blithering idiot in blind panics, not knowing what to do or say to make things better.. And in the proses I’ve just made things worse. I hope that makes sense?!
I can see that no matter how I behaved, some things my ex did were totally unacceptable, and I know that often, even when I did try to stand my ground or did something els- he still managed to hurt me another way.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Some times I feel relieved, sometimes I miss him. And sometimes I feel awful that I waisted so many years. I just want to be happy, confident and liked. I’m not too old, I would’ve liked to get married and to have more children… But me and him had our wedding date set, everything paid for and planned. I loved him with all my heart and the thought of being with someone els- ever… It makes me feel sick. I’ve been ‘chatted’ up a few times recently whilst out with friends.. Naturally they have teased me since, saying some one or other likes me and asking me if i did anything with so and so. I feel violated at the mere thought and I hate that they talk to me about any of that sort of thing. It’s so strange because when I was with him, I was open with them about all that. Obviously there’s nothing now to be open about. But the implication makes me feel ill. Is that normal?

[Anonymous]

Hi Starmoon, it all sounds very normal to me. The whole relationship thing to me screams that you are not ready in any way. The fact that the thought makes you feel ill is your minds way of saying, not yet. You will know when you are ready and it could be a few months or even a few years. There is no right or wrong when you are single. Everything is at your own pace.

I too struggle with boundaries in every aspect of my life, from friendships to relationships, from children even at work. I seem to have this thing where I want to take care of every waif and stray and it means that sometimes I don’t see what everyone else sees. I let people get away with far too much and sometimes I even know that they are taking advantage yet I never say anything. Like you said I may as well at times lay down and let people walk all over me. Ironically though professionals etc I can be quite combative with , especially when they are female. I don’t know why but I will tolerate far more from a male in authority than I will a female it is a pattern I have noticed very recently and something I would like to change. I think some of us naturally struggle with boundaries but I am not sure how you would even go about learning them ( I assume they are learned )

The whole blame game I think that is completely normal too as someone who is still very much here I am constantly wondering the same thing. That was my fault, i asked for that. I could have handled that better. I question everything and I imagine if I was ever to be free that I would probably doing exactly the same as you are now. Replaying, what should I have done different. FAct is you were not in the wrong he was. (I am a complete hypocrit, I give advice that I don’t listen to myself)

It is a good thing you are addressing why you go from one abusive situation to another, it means that you are looking for a change in a positive way a whole life change in a way. You are looking for those boundaries to be in place so you dont do it again. All these questions are about making sure that you move forward positively rather than ending up in replay.

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve been posting on here just over a year now and when I first started, I was still very much in the thick of it too. I often give advice I can’t take myself.. its easy to read others situations and be able to see how unacceptable they are, but in our own- we think our perception is wrong. I think most of us feel that way- it’s the nature of the beast… Well beasts in our cases. But the more we hear it and the more we get clarification, the more it sinks in. So thank you again.
You’re rite I’m defiantly not ready to meet anyone at the moment. It really is a source of anxiety for me.. I wish I was ready though, because it’s just another scar he’s given me.
I hope you’re as safe as you can be in your current situation 😘 Xx

[Anonymous]

I wish sometimes I could see things the way others do. Those around me are that used to the way he treats me that even they dont bat an eyelid its hard to make a fuss even on those days when you feel like you are really scared. I have adapted to prevent the worst of the violence but that has left me pretty restricted and constantly as things change I have to re-adapt so he does not get as bad as he was. Very frustrating sometimes.

The fact that you are out is fantastic. The relationship thing well that will come with time. I think it is best if you get used to you just being you and enjoying the freedom that you have. Having to factor someone else in to your life when you are not quite ready can be complicated. Those scars he has given you will make you stronger, will make you want better for yourself after him. xx

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