Is anyone else like me?

[Sad and alone]

I see many posts here from women that are still in love with their partners. Or they still have some good times, or at least better times.
My husband is angry and disappointed with me every single day. He never smiles at me, always just blank or scowling. Always upset about something I’ve done, whether I know I’ve done it or not. Critical of everything.
Why am I still here? I’m mad at myself for still being here.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Part of domestic abuse is chipping away at your self esteem and self worth. It can get to the point where you don’t feel you deserve better- he wants you to feel that way to trap you in the relationship.

Be kind to yourself- you are enduring a lot at the moment, the forum is always here for you.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone,

I still feel in love with my ex despite no contact since I left and I definitely felt in love whilst I was there even though I was dreadfully unhappy.

I think I would have found it much easier to break free mentally if there were no happy and kind moments, but that’s easy for me to say because the trauma and other circumstances vary for every individual and who knows, I may have still felt very confused and yearning for how things were at the start of the relationship.

It would have still been very hard to make the decision I did, especially as I had nowhere to go, I was homeless. And I was feeling perhaps he was right, I was selfish, inconsiderate, had a bad attitude, and just needed to listen (so I didn’t feel I could do any better on my own) or ever have hope of finding someone else to be faithful to me, or let me live with them, or plan a future with me.  I was feeling pretty c**p about myself by the end including being cross for compromising myself so often and accepting the unkind treatment.

So I had started to do his work for him effectively in gaslighting myself that I was worthless and didn’t ‘get it’.

You mustn’t ever blame yourself. It’s the mechanism that has you stuck, not to mention other factors.  This reminds me actually that my ex even mentioned his view on abuse victims once that they choose to stay, I was shocked he would say this without a true understanding of the issues. He maintained if everyone stayed grounded they would never become victims… very simplistic I thought and pretty insensitive.

Speak to yourself as you would someone else on this forum perhaps, whenever you’re in doubt.  Don’t help him to reduce you. Practise this in the mirror or something, and tell yourself you will look after you because you are amazing and worthwhile.

Xxxxx

 

[Sad and alone]

Thank you both.

What I thought I had put in my original post is that I don’t feel in love with him. And yet I don’t go either. It seems ridiculous. Everyone else seems to struggle to separate because they are still in love but I really don’t feel it. There shouldn’t be anything stopping me going but I think it’s the amount of time we’ve been together maybe. Even though I feel so miserable in it, it’s still my life. And I guess there are other things that are barriers to me leaving.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone, I think you can cut it both ways, you’ve lost love for him which makes sense, but have stayed so far (which to you doesn’t make sense right now).

I still love my ex, which doesn’t make sense to some, but I left, which does!  It’s the same issue in a different form perhaps?

Xxxxx

 

 

[Sad and alone]

I think you’re right. It’s the same but not the same! I guess there are variants to each individual situation. It worries me if I left how I’d unpack all these years in my mind. I’m happy for you that you were strong enough to leave despite your feelings towards them. Hopefully I’ll get there some day.

[Better-days]

I could have written this myself. I have disconnected myself so much there is absolutely nothing left of us. I have no more love to give. He only looks at me for sex thinks that if I was to be more up for sex our relationship would work. It honestly baffles me so much that a human brain can function like this he knows I dont love him tells me all the time and that he feels nothing from me ect. Then why on earth r we still here. I tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and it was like a bomb explosion he started throwing things, threatening to take kids and grabbed me back in. From that day I knew when I leave I have to escape when he’s not here. Which led me here and I’m still not out yet still trying to find the strength. I hope u r ok. Your not alone xx

[Sad and alone]

Yes I’ve had that too. That sex is important in a relationship and if we did it more we’d be closer. I don’t disagree that a physical relationship is important but they seem to totally disregard everything else. Like that’s the only issue in your relationship and you’ve caused it by not wanting to. Again talk of my “hatred” for him in arguments and make comments on how I don’t love him. I have said I hated him once and also that I didn’t love him and then felt bad and said I didn’t mean it. But he says it. He says he knows we won’t have a physical relationship any more and he’s accepted it but then still makes comments like he’s done so much for me I should be jumping on him, or all over him. They just don’t get it.
I’m worried too about the actual leaving. He’s got very irate whenever this has come up, shouting and being extra nasty, telling me to get out. Which should be my way to leave but I remember before he said he’d take me to the train station and when I actually tried to pack a bag and go he wouldn’t take me. He keeps telling me recently to go and stay with a relative for a couple of weeks. If I wasn’t worried about other things I’m leaving behind I probably would but there always seems to be something I need to be here for. And I don’t feel I can leave things with him. Even though I am told I don’t do anything all day and that he basically doesn’t need me to run things.
I’m sure there’s a psychological reason we feel this way and one day we’ll be free and able to understand it more clearly.

[Author]

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