Is being a sexual abuse survivor an excuse?

[Anonymous]

I’ve had this question pinging around in my head since joining this forum and have plucked up the courage now to ask you. My partner is a survivor of incestuous sexual abuse. He has a low level of emotional intelligence particularly empathy, which probably relates to the trauma resulting from this abuse affecting the development of the emotional part of his brain during childhood. Over time I’ve learnt that asking for emotional support on any issue is a big no-no else I get told I’m being critical for pointing out his weaknesses and flaws. My partner deals with anything emotional in a passive-aggressive way, and it can be years later before I find out that I did something wrong.

I had an unexpected bleed (fortunately not in my brain else I probably would have died) and needed to be taken to hospital. Despite me telling him repeatedly that I was bleeding quite heavily and it wouldn’t stop, he didn’t rush to get me the medical care I needed. His excuse was that he didn’t think it was that bad. When I had a minor op to deal with the cause of this bleeding he collected me from the hospital the day after, took me home, then left to go to work. Luckily there were no post-op complications. His excuse for not staying was that I seemed fine and no-one had told him that he should stay with me for 24 hours after the operation.

For those who’ve read my other posts you’ll know I’m a survivor of familial abuse, which comes in the form of harassment from my father. This man found out where I’d gone to university and sent the head of that institution a letter on my (detail removed by moderator) birthday. I knew that wherever I went, my father would be tracking my movements (or employing someone else to find me). I told my partner this, that one day I would be found again. I don’t think he got how terrifying this can be, to be stalked/harassed. And yes, my father did indeed find where me and my partner had moved to, and one day we got back from being away to find him waiting outside our house for us to return. Since then I often have minor panic attacks every time some one knocks on the door. No point telling my partner this as he’ll not understand or offer any comfort.

Does anyone else out there have a partner who is a sexual abuse survivor? Do they behave like this towards you too? I’ve tried talking to therapists about this but alas, mention that you have a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor and their response is that my distress cannot equal that of sexual abuse survivor and I should just cope with it on my own.

[KIP.]

I am a sexual abuse survivor and what you’re describing is just an abusive man. Don’t let him hide behind that. Just because you’ve survived abuse doesn’t give your the right to abuse others. It sounds like he’s using this to mask his abuse of you. Does he treat anyone else the way he treats you? Does he abuse you in front of others? If he’s in control of where he abuses you then he’s in control of his emotions and knows exactly what he’s doing. There is absolutely no excuse for domestic abuse x none. The development of the emotional part of his brain during childhood. We covered this in psychology and those emotional developments that are missed can be relearned.

[maddog]

How awful for you to go through therapists belittling your experience. It means they’re not listening to you. I hope you find a counsellor who is specifically trained in trauma and domestic abuse. If anyone ever tells you that someone else’s pain is worse than your own, please don’t go anywhere near them.

I had a miserable childhood cloaked in respectability. My dad too tried to own my life. It is soul destroying and has had a massive impact on my life.

When people abuse, it is because they choose to abuse. What happened to them is for them to deal with and it’s not your fault.

My ex was sexually assaulted as a child. I have no idea what it did to him. He never spoke about it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks KIP, you’re the first person to actual say what I’ve been thinking for a long time. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Because his behaviour is not classic coercive control (I can go and do what I want when I want and I’m not constantly being checked up on) it’s hard to describe it to others. I’ve yet to find a counsellor who will believe me, they just feel sorry for what has happened to him and so are less concerned with what I have to say. And yes, it’s tragic, and not his fault. But still…. What’s worse is he’s been through therapy himself, and things have deteriorated rather than got better. It’s just all so slowly sucked the life out of me. We have agreed to split, but I have no income of my own so can’t just leave.

Yes, he’s been unpleasant to me in front of others, but we have few friends so don’t go out much for this to happen that frequently. The abuse is far more subtle than that. Difficult to explain without going into specifics other than his words and actions don’t always concur. I know, it’s the actions rather than words that show his real motives.

Thanks for listening 🙂

[KIP.]

I don’t think there is really classic coercive control. It’s insidious. It begins with little things. Why are you watching that rubbish on tv. I stopped watching tv when he was about. Why are you listening to that suicidal music. I stopped listening to that music. The silent treatment when I came back from a night out. The arguments started just before I went out. Constantly wearing you down. The belittling comments to destroy your self esteem. Try reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

[Tiffany]

Unfortunately some abuse victims go on to be abusers. My abuser had suffered abuse at the hands of his father, who in turn I believe may have been abused by his father. I never met the grandfather, but the father was clearly abusive. I cut my abuser a lot of slack because of his father. I thought that if he actually understood that he was hurting me that he would do anything in his power to stop, because he understood what it felt like and claimed he didn’t want to be like his father. In the end though he was also choosing to abuse me. And using his father’s abuse of him as o eof his excuses (the others being mostly mental health issues) for behaving in the way he did. Ultimately though, there isn’t any excuse for behaving like that, and most abuse survivors wouldn’t dream of acting like he and your partner have towards anyone. Ultimately abuse is abuse, regardless of how difficult your abusers life has been. They are making the choice to hurt you. I think for my abuser it was a coping strategy to deal with how small his father made him feel – he made me feel even smaller so he could feel powerful. But it’s not an acceptable coping strategy if it hurts the people around you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Maddog, I’ve opted out of counselling the moment any of them imply that my distress must be less than my partner’s. It’s happened so often I’ve almost started wondering whether there’s a hierarchy of distress that they get taught on their counselling courses/psychology degrees: at the top, childhood sexual abuse, and lower down the pile, emotional abuse. Only one of the many therapists I’ve seen has commented on how lonely it must be for me being in a relationship with an emotionally devoid man. She then ruined it by saying how the low-level, near-constant distress I feel from my father’s emotional abuse, somehow didn’t match that of the high-intensity distress associated with a period of childhood sexual abuse. I cancelled my appointments after hearing that.

His mum was a domineering woman, who occasionally interfered in her son’s adult life. I suspect this has contributed to his behaviour towards me too as he’s repressed some of the negative emotions he’s felt about this. Think this might be a topic for another thread: is there a link between domestic abusers and domineering parents, or families where it was not OK to talk about emotions.

Thanks to you all for your supportive comments 🙂

[blue eyes]

I just wanted to say that my ex was very passive aggressive towards me in terms of health. I have found this with disordered family members too. They will not or resent having to help when you are ill. There isn’t much empathy there at all. They will deliberately withhold help and make life much more difficult than it needs to be. I used to feel under pressure to be well all the time. Sometimes they pretended not to understand how ill I was or used to down play it.

[Author]

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