Is cheating an excuse for abuse?

[PalomaW]

I feel so trapped and like i’m gaslighting myself on a daily basis.

I didnt physically cheat, I reached out to someone I had had a previous relationship with but our conversation was platonic.

Partner found out, and has continued to either withdraw or atttack. I dont know which one is worse. the name calling is really starting to grind me down. sometimes i feel like the only way he would forgive me would be if i wasnt here to blame anymore.

he keeps saying im playing the victim. am i? ive caused all this but do i deserve to feel this low because of it?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi PalomaW

So sorry to hear you are experiencing this abuse. The key thing to remember being that you didn’t actually do anything wrong. Yes, it was an ex, and that is always going to make the view for the outsider more complex, but, they can choose to either believe you or not, or ask further questions and receive honest answers.

This isn’t what has been happening from what you say, and maybe, but you don’t say, all of this was happening before you reached out anyway, and this is the reason that you did reach out?

I would be careful of accepting any guilt for your actions, which were innocent, and making sure you know that you didnt do wrong, but what he is doing is wrong. Do you feel you can say this to him? If you don’t, or it wouldn’t feel safe to do so, then you have other options to be looking at. Would you be able to speak to him in any way without him blowing up or stonewalling you? Then you have your answer.

Its an intolerable and damaging way to live, and I hope you know that you are not deserving of this and have options you can consider.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

(detail removed by Moderator) if he can’t trust and let it go it’s gonna be a pretty pointless relationship (and a very miserable one for you and him) it depends how much your prepared to put up with or whether he’s gonna let it go, how did he find out? (Was he going through your phone/computer)cos going though someone’s property is a huge red flag, it all really depends if you want to put up with type of misery cos it seems he’s gonna keep punishing you, you have choices
🌷🌸🌷

[PalomaW]

Yes, he was going through my phone and computer and continues to do so. Ive also recently been receivingg threats that he’s going to end his life because of how ive made him feel. I really dont know what to say or do anymore. I’m so so scared.

[Twisted Sister]

whats your biggest fear? That he’ll end his life? or that he’ll try to end yours? or harm you in other ways?

If its that he’ll end his, there is nothing that can be done about him choosing to take his own life, only he is responsible for that no matter how hard he tries to hang it on you, its his decision ultimately, and most likely only emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty/bad/responsible, etc. Ignore,. and if you hear a threat, phone it through to police so they can check on him and his well-being.

If its threat to you that you fear most, then you have options too. Is there anyone that would take you in? Do you have family and/or friends around that understand, and could help?

Let us know what you need and we’ll try to help.

[Author]

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