Is general rudeness and dismissiveness abuse?

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Hello, need to vent.

This morning, 1st thing he says to me is ” I have a terrible headache”. Oh dear, I say. I’ll get you some tablets. “can’t see how that’s going to help” he says.
I get them anyway.
Again, as he’s taking them ” can’t see how these are going to help” and he leaves.

No, “good morning” no “thanks” or “yes please” for the pills”.

If I had initiated a similar exchange, he would have properly vented as to how rude and negative I was and how I had ruined his whole day. Yet, it’s perfectly fine for him to do this to me.

Am I over reacting? Is it too much to expect a degree of courtesy? I know we can all be grumpy when we don’t feel 100% but it just feels like yet another example of how he feels perfectly happy treating me with complete distain. He would never treat another person like this.

BTW, I am well aware that this sounds like nothing in the context of some of the awful experiences some of you have had. However, I have experienced years of verbal abuse and explosive behaviour. So, though this is a period of relative calm, I am hyper aware of everything (which does then get me questioning every little thing and wondering if I am actually over egging the situation).

Would welcome your thoughts.

Hope you are all having a peaceful day with no drama.

[ocean20]

Hiya,
It might seem trivial but it’s these little interactions that build or diminish our self worth.
I can relate to you on it. I put up with a lot of mood swings / pointless little comments from my partner but if I did the same back I wouldn’t hear the end of it and I would be accused of being a horrible c***.
In my mind it’s just another way to control and make you feel stupid / small.
X

[RubberDuckster]

I would completely agree with Ocean20. My current experience of abuse is very similar. My spouse doesn’t shout at me, I don’t get sworn at and there’s no name calling. But the rudeness and consistent pointing out of my flaws and things I should have done but haven’t, or a disregard for my efforts to be kind, grind down my self worth and make me feel awful. It’s taken me a long time to accept I’m in an abusive relationship.

[Reallyconfused]

Hi yes it is abuse. Agree with everyone. We are so normalised to accepting abusive comments which chip away at our self worth. They see themselves as the most important thing and centre of the world and have little empathy for anyone else. It’s about how we feel and how they make us feel which matters. We don’t need to justify about what kind of abuse – all of it affects us. It has taken me ages to understand that I am in an abusive relationship. Its hard to admit it.
Please look after yourselves and take care.

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Hello all,

Thanks you so much for replying. Though I hate to think of others out there suffering from a similar drip, drip, drip of general f***ery, there is some comfort in the acknowledgement that this is not normal. But big hugs to you all, I hope that you are all in a period of calm right now so that you can build up your inner strength.
Xx

[Caterpillarbutterfly]

I get this *all*. *the*. *time*.

My other half went on a massive outburst the other week for my ‘rudeness’ as I wasn’t sufficiently helpful or engaged with something he wanted help with. However, when I ask for help with something I need to ‘stop chuntering’ about X or Y. And given the names he calls me on a daily ***ing basis, he’s one to talk about ‘rudeness’.

It’s a way to grind you down, but unfortunately I’m learning that abusers genuinely believe that it’s the victims’ fault because if you weren’t annoying them then they wouldn’t be horrible to you… abusers genuinely don’t ask themselves the question of whether they have the right to be annoyed by something.

Sorry to hear you’re in this as well, it’s awful.

[Sad and alone]

Why do we put up with it?! I feel I am constantly getting digs and it’s exhausting dealing with it. And then all the small things tot up so even thought they seem small individually when you put them all together it is an issue. You can be grumpy if you’re unwell but no one should be permanently unwell to use that as an excuse to do it all the time.
I get tired of it. This week I made a comment about something, literally an observation, not a joke but like “would you believe that!” and I get told I’ve got better things to worry about than that. This annoys me as I never said I was worried about anything, I was just making a passing comment. So not a big thing but the response is still not what you expect.
Sorry for rambling, it’s been one of those days.

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