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Unfortunately I have to have some infractions with my abusive ex because we have children. We don’t have any direct or face to face contact and all communications are written (electronic). Recently after I again pointed out that he was not complying with part of our coparenting agreement he sent me a barrage of insults, none of which were surprising & were identical to the horrible things he said when we were together. I haven’t yet replied. Part of me wants to stand up for myself & tell him that his claims are ridiculous. Another part of me wants to just continue using my gray rock techniques & not feed into this. but then I wonder if I don’t ever stand up for myself won’t he just continue doing this? But even as I’m writing that out I can see the flaw in my thinking. There is no response I could give that would make him think “geeze I better stop being abusive towards her.”
So anyways what should I do ladies? Just respond with a very simple gray rock type of response? Does this ever get any easier? I don’t believe any of the nonsense he says about me so that isn’t the issue. I’m just struggling with the feeling like I always have to take the high road.
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I would continue the grey rock. The reason being that the insults and claims are designed to get you to respond and draw you back in. Anything you say could be used against you in the future.
So by not responding to them, you ARE actually subconsciously saying a lot to him! You draw your line in the sand and refuse to engage in his abusive nonsense. Hold your head high and carry on with your day.
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Hi there. Can you get someone to do the email communication on your behalf? A trusted family member or friend? That way you have completely no contact, and he won’t be able to continue to abuse you that way.
Xx
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That is a good idea but knowing a narc that could make things worse if it’s a family member he knows or friend it would need to be a solicitor or something.
I don’t believe in such methods personally but from dealing with my own narc silence is the best if they are insulting you just keep ignoring it till they talk since don’t respond it’s easier said than done that’s why I don’t believe in such methods especially once you can see what they are doing it’s hard to ignore you want to stand up for yourself but it’s draining .remember to them they are not doing anything wrong that’s why it’s draining they can go on and on not making sense and they can be spiteful and they say things for a reaction.i totally understand because I have kids too and I’m dreading co parenting which I’ll be starting soon .he continues to say he supports us but he never has I know it will get harder for me as I have lots of kids not 1 or 2 it will be very difficult not having any support but been on my own mostly anyway but certain things I depended on him for not now ! -
Thank you everyone for your input on this! I feel so much better just knowing I have this community of you all that understand what I’m going through. I ended up responding but in a way that indicated I was calm & collected & let him know that any beliefs he has about me are not my responsibility to argue with him about. Basically I let him know that I didn’t agree with his opinion of me, but that he was free to continue thinking those things & didn’t try to argue about him being wrong.
I feel good about myself because I feel my response was clever and showed that I couldn’t be baited into an argument. I also feel like this is a big step for me because even though we are no longer together I have still retained that fear that if I challenge him too much he will take my kids away from me. Responding to him in this way makes me feel like I’m taking my power back. Love you all ❤️
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Hi, I used the gray rock technique until my husband continued to abuse. I then told him I was stopping contact until he sorted his mental health out and refused him contact, blocked him and sought legal advice (my 2 are teenagers and have since decided they do not want contact with their dad). It was impossible to co parent with my ex as he is a narc who always wanted to ‘win’ if that makes sense. He is incapable of being reasonable, rational and he will always be this way.
I don’t think standing up for yourself will work as he is an abuser who will do what he decides to maintain control and to show you that he is in charge. He probably blames you for everything (or other people, anyone but him).
❤
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You are absolutely right! Standing up for myself will not make him stop being abusive or suddenly come to see the error in his ways. I did it for me though to show myself that I don’t have to fear him in the same ways I did when we were together. I will always be cautious of him because he is a scary person, but I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. I am safe now & I wanted to set a boundary with him to remind myself of my power. He likely will react by making more baseless accusations but he’s nothing more than an toddler having a tantrum.
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I agree with hereforhelp, that there’s no reasoning with an abuser! you can’t reason with the unreasonable, and grey rock can be a highly dangerous strategy with an abuser.
Also, its not recommend to try to co-parent with an abuser, as you are finding out, and the harms that he caused you during your time together are all the things he is still able to abuse you over.
No contact, is the best way to go, and you don’t have to give contact, you need to protect your children is all, they have responsibilities, not rights, to their children and if they can’t meet them, or someone gets abused in the process best to cut all contact. Noone needs an abuser in their life.
If, as you say, he is scarey and dangerous sounds debatable him having contact with you, or them.
You never know with an abuser. Have police/courts been involved? Sorry I don’t know your backstory, just gives an indication of level of risk.
warmest wishes
ts
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