Is he a narsissist?

[Headspinning]

I am half in half out of the relationship currently and doing a lot of reflecting. I still struggle to 100% accept its abuse (and even though I know there is abusive behaviour and red flags galore I then struggle to accept its deliberate and intentional)

So I have read and watched quite a bit in narsissism over the last year – initially when we broke up for a short period last year and again now.

What boxes does he tick – minimises his part in any argument, twists things to be my fault, huge sense of entitlement, retaliation by creating a huge drama further down the line because he is angry and punishing me for an earlier transgression (of course he would never admit incidents were linked). Wears away at my self esteem with minor criticism, his way or the high way at home, always thinking he is right, rarely apologising but expecting me to just forgive and forget.

I know he has had previous relationships that have ended in huge bust ups but it’s always be the other person who caused it with their behaviour. Red flag. He tends to have a lot of bad stuff to say about all ex’s except one from 20 years ago who he still keeps in contact with through social media – they split up because he was with her when working abroad and he returned home, missing his family and with his visa expiring. She seems to be his go to person to speak to when we hit a bad spot as I have seen the messages.

Then he can be lovely – and I get the cycle of abuse allows for that – because we wouldn’t be in these relationships if there wasn’t a payoff plus he can afford to be lively when everything is going his way.

So far it all makes sense and is stereotypical for what I read about.

So where is my confusion? He seems to genuinely care about other people. He loves his parents. He even seems to like mine. He loves his nieces. He places high importance on family. And it seems genuine. Maybe a lot of our issues stem from us not meeting his vision of a “perfect family”.

He has some friends who I also like and he had had them for a long time. Again , he seems to care about them – if they have a health scare he is concerned for them, will visit them.

An elderly family friend died a few years ago who meant a lot to him and he was very upset the night he heard.

We have a family pet he has genuine affection for. He likes other people’s dogs. He likes young kids (in an acceptable way!)

So this is my confusion – he ticks the boxes for narsissism in terms of his behaviour to me (not always – remember there are also good times and not everything has to be his way always – I get to pick the box sets and Saturday night tv and we can have fun). But all the red flags are there too – I have asked my 2 teenagers what they say in our relationship and they very much see him as the dominant instigator so I know I’m not imagining what happens)

So – how come he seems to genuinely care about some other people? And appears able to over a long period of time? Don’t get me wrong – he isn’t perfect in all other scenarios – his mum acknowledges he has a firey temper, he can be bossy and opinionated and could apply himself more to proper full time working. They love him but they see my side.

And I think he really does see himself as the victim in a lot of our issues. I think he genuinely does believe his version of events, I think he really does convince himself he was the wronged party and believes his nominalised version of what happened, whilst amplifying my part in it to justify.

Does any of this make sense? Does it sound like narsissism to anyone else – guess I am asking you ladies on here as we all have first hand experience. I just find it hard to make sense of it all

[KIP.]

For me he is a typical domestic abuser. Read Living With The Dominator. From what I have experienced lots of abusers have n**********c or even psycopathic traits but they are abusers. Dont excuse their behaviour by labelling it under a mental issue. They abuse in secret, they choose to abuse. It’s all about getting the control over an intimate partner. My ex was the same, close to his mum. Made an effort with mine to keep her on side. Seemed to make the effort with kids. Its how they keep us hooked in. It’s how they confuse us and others, It’s your relationship he has the problem with. The close intimate personal relationships that he will abuse. Keeping in touch with someone he dated 20 years ago seems strange to me. Abusers often triangulate and try to make us jealous by involving other women. If he keeps in touch with her then it might be that it’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one, or she never got to see the abusive side, or she’s insecure and hanging on to the past. Abusers are fantastic actors. It’s you andhow he is towards you that matters and he’s already shown his true colours. Write down all the abuse you can remember and see how the pattern emerges. He won’t change. And abuse always gets worse and the period in between gets less and less. Eventually they seem to give up on the honeymoon phase and just keep being manipulative and abusive. He doesn’t have to tick every box. It’s how he treats you. How you’re changing to suit him. Constant moving goal posts. Walking on egg shells. Becoming less of a person. More of a shell. Losing your own identity.

[KIP.]

We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial or economic abuse
Harassment and stalking
Online or digital abuse

[Headspinning]

I’m driving myself round the bend trying to make sense of it all when I should just be focussing on me! I totally know that to be true.
It just bugs me that I can’t understand why. I thought I was smart, a good judge of character – how did I allow it to get to this stage and how did I get it so wrong? I allowed the positive contradictions to sway me and cause myself to doubt. I allow the positives to kid myself on that underneath it all he’s a good person with a temporary illness or blind spot to his behaviour and one day he’s going to suddenly realise the error of his ways and get a shock and change.
Yes I know – it’s irrational and nuts!! I wish he had just stuck to wanting his flipping divorce last week instead of hooking me back in and now I’m stuck having agreed with some compromise to try again. Now that I’ve had time to think I don’t know if I even want to! Aagghh!

[confusedallofthetime]

Can you tell him you’ve changed your mind? Would that rock to boat and make things unsafe? And it’s not irrational at all – it’s what we’re conditioned to think.

[KIP.]

Google cognitive dissonance. The brain is a powerful tool to protect us from mental harm. It can work against us. Also the bonding hormone oxytocin is released after a domestic abuse incident, trying to bond us to our abuser. Our bodies work against us in domestic abuse. It’s not too late to take back control. Once again you will see the nasty side of him as he loses grip. Suggesting you don’t see your kids for a month. He meant that. He wasn’t grasping at straws. That was his excuse when he realised you saw through his selfish abuse. All of us are intelligent women, abusers are attracted to us for that reason. It’s a challenge to break us. To gain control of someone strong. Try total zero contact until you work it out for yourself.

[KIP.]

When my ex used to bully me into a ‘compromise’ after I tried to end things. I left the conversation totally deflated while he skipped off having got his own way. That’s why you can’t win a discussion because they twist and gaslight and turn the blame on us. Remember you’re dealing with someone who has spent their life doing this. Walk away. Take time out. Find the old you. The confident woman who would not allow this in her life. She’s still in there x

[KIP.]

He’s not your responsibility and looking to an abuser for validation is never healthy x it’s overwhelming so take a step back and let things sink in slowly. Baby steps x

[Anonymous]

Read the blog by HG Tudor ‘Knowing the N********t’. The writer’s a self-confessed n********t and gives us an insight into his thought patterns and behaviour. You’ll learn about fuel, facade management, pity play, plausible deniability, and much more.

[KIP.]

He definitely a domestic abuser. N**********c people can target all sorts in their lives but abusers target intimate partners. I think it’s important not to give his behaviour an excuse. He chooses to abuse you.

[Headspinning]

Thanks Kip. I watched a couple of videos on cognitive Disonance today which made sense.
I had to have a short face to face interaction with him earlier and it just totally drained me. Nothing happened, it was over in 5 minutes and he was being perfectly reasonable but it’s the not knowing what to expect and steeling yourself for the worst that is draining.
Because I was anxious I probably appeared stand offish and minimised the interaction – of course now I feel guilty! Because on reflection his intentions and motives seem ok today but I spent an hour at lunchtime running him into the ground to one of my friends.

[Headspinning]

Thanks cirrocumulus- I looked up the blog.
I find the whole over thinking it all exhausting.
I started today feeling quite upbeat, but following lunch with a pal when I’ve talked it all over, various googling then an unexpected but brief interaction with him in just drained and exhausted. I wish I could shut my thoughts off.
I might try tomorrow just staying away from the internet and doing something positive. I’m sure he is not investing all this energy into analysing why our marriage is at rock bottom!

[Kitkat44]

It is exhausting isn’t it? I can’t stop thinking things through. Wondering, imaging, playing out scenarios. Reading posts on here to try and make sense of it all. He hasn’t been horrible to any of us for 10 days and I’m half hoping something will happen so it will help confirm things but desperately hoping things will be fine for the children’s sake.
I have a day off work tomorrow I’m going to try and pluck up the courage to call my local DA advice line.
Like you I doubt he is thinking about me and us and trying to figure out what he can do to make our marriage happy again and our home life safe and calm.
Take care xx

[KIP.]

His intentions and motives may seem okay today but you have all the trauma and confusion that has come from previous interactions and that’s the draining part. Like the eggshells between episodes of abuse. His intentions may seem okay but your body is telling your they’re not. Listen to your gut. It’s interacting with the abuser that is the problem. Outside you know your mind but your gut is telling you it’s bad news to cross an abuser. No wonder, the last argument resulted in him telling everyone you’re getting divorced. What kind of a person responds with such cruelty?

[Lisa]

Good evening,

Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about
power and control.

A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental
health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder,
depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c
personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse.

Please do try to keep this in mind.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Headspinning]

Thanks.
And yes KIP, not only did he say he wanted a divorce, announce it on social media, tell my family – he then had the nerve to try and make me think it was my actions that caused him to do it!! If I hadn’t lost the plot with him a couple of weeks ago (under extreme provocation) and said I wanted a divorce and I wanted him out we simply wouldn’t be where we are! He was simply doing as I asked.
Never mind all the nonsense and mind games on his part – no, it was that singular afternoon when I cracked and ranted that created it all.
The only comfort is his extreme actions are making him look very erratic in everyone else’s eyes and makes me look less like the mad one.
Thanks Lisa – yes I understand mental health issues are not an excuse. And what’s to say he even has a mental health issue.
I need to stop over thinking everything, listen to my gut, stop being scared to just do what is right for me. Stop trying to please everyone at my own expense.

[Bettertimesahead]

This thread resonates with me. On a day to day basis he was fine, but v lazy. He has openly said I’m the only important person to him, not our adult children. He makes a big thing of any small job he does. He takes minimal responsibility for any household stuff and has run debts up due to this. He bought me loads of cheap tacky clothes/lingerie that he liked. Didn’t force me to wear them exactly but got moody etc if I didn’t. I too am struggling with the is it abuse thing

[Wiseafter]

Dear Headspinning, my partner was lovely with everyone else too. He was charming and loving for months. Then all of a sudden he wasn’t. This is the cycle. You start over again. You forget, you try. You stick with him. You think you can change him. It is a MISSION. I tried so hard to make sense of why he would switch on me and me alone. I was his emotional punchbag. I spent so much time analysing his behaviour, trying to talk to him in the aftermath of an abusive episode, seeking to understand how and why. Was he depressed? A deal that hadn’t gone through? Did he have worries I didn’t know about? Etc, etc. How in the same day could he be awful to me and fine with others? Why was he the first to help when a close friend was in distress, but could hurt me without remorse? What emerged was that, in some form or another, he blamed me for everything. I was 100% responsible. It was always my fault because, as we could both see, he wasn’t like it with anyone else. Because I didn’t know I was in a cycle of abuse, I accepted this. I would be better. I would be the most wonderful woman any man could wish for. Never complaining when woken at all hours of the night for sex, despite being sleep deprived through anxiety; doing all the things he enjoyed without complaint; never questioning where he went every Friday and Saturday night until the early hours; spending silly money on my appearance; cooking delicious meals; keeping a beautiful home; holding down a successful career and getting promoted; being a model parent etc. etc. I tried SO HARD. It didn’t make any difference!! The outcome was the same! He used those positive things against me too!! I thought this was normal – for years! It is traumatic to move on from an abusive relationship not despite of, but because of, the messed up bond between you. He was my tormentor and my saviour. (I am learning about trauma bonding now). Now he is gone, I am waking up daily to the reality of what a dominant force he was not only in my home, but in my head. The effect on my body and mind is extreme. Like going cold turkey. It will take time to heal but rather that than more years of being his emotional punchbag.

[Starmoon]

I haven’t read all of the replies but I wanted to comment because your situation sounds so similar to my own… even down to him working in another country. My ex loved his family, had lots of long term friends and an ex he kept in touch with regularly… he loved our family pet, all other animals and our children. He was/is someone who will do anything for anyone and anyone who knows him seems to absolutely love him. Yet the way he treated me sent my head spinning.. he was eventually physically abusive but I still believed it To be my fault because he was and is so perfect in every other aspect of the world. He just does fit into the typically abusive box but I did also read the hg Tudor books and found so many similarities. X

[Starmoon]

I also managed to track down some of his ex girlfriends whilst we were together… I know it seems a crazy thing to do but I was going crazy.. I really wanted to know if he’d treated them all the same way and the answer was yes.

[Headspinning]

Thanks for all the recent comments. I originally created this post in Narch when I was in a state of total confusion and at a real cross roads.
Well – the good news at this time I stuck with my guns and we have been separated ever since. I truly think he “left” me as a punishment and never dreamed I wouldn’t let him come back.
I had my doubts about if he really was that bad back then…..well, let me tell you, that within a few weeks of leaving he was on dating an pay for porn sites Whilst still trying to get me back. He asked out one of his female customers for dinner. I’ve found out (removed by moderator) previous partners have pressed charges of domestic abuse, he has tried to reconcile whilst also trying to take me to the cleaners financially for things he is not due.
Yes – getting out is truly hard and painful and it’s hard to shake the lingering doubts – but based on what I now know, I was a victim of emotional abuse and I am no longer within his control!!!!
It’s a hard path but it’s worth it!!!

[Anonymous]

Good for you!! Bravo!! And you got such great and wise advice here. It’s hard. I think one of the big snares is “the why?” factor and we try and nail that one down. It’s like trying to nail butter to the wall. And for what? If it doesn’t feel good, is destroying us, sends us spinning like a top all the time, creates confusion and fog, makes us extremely unhappy, I don’t know that I care anymore about the specs regarding why oh why they did it or why they are the way they are in order for me to say I don’t choose this for myself and will take action because of it. Getting inside their wheelhouse would make me crazy anyways so I am just fine with saying Poof! Be Gone or Poof! I’m Gone!

[Author]

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