- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I have asked my partner to leave, he does not want to. The main reason for me wanting to separate is his frequent yelling at our (detail removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator) has started to have problems with emotional control at school, and has become very cautious, he blames this on my anxiety rubbing off on them and accuses me of mollicoddling them, he says I never put the baby down (1) and I never go out and have no friends. That I’m not normal, he accuses me of panicking when I have concerns about anything. I am a stay at home mum, although I assume I will probably have to find work once we separate as I have no income. He feels if I want to separate I should leave as he cant afford to rent somewhere else (he currently contributes some of his wages I pay the rest out of child benefit, tax credits etc, I often struggle to make ends meet). He said the council will make arrangements for me and the kids if I tell them he has kicked us out. I don’t want to put our kids through that (I think he knows this and that its an attempt to manipulate me but I am not sure) I don’t think my daughter would cope well with moving house. She loves her Dad although she has said he is scary when he is shouting and sometimes it makes her ears hurt. I find myself constantly trying to keep the peace, he says he is stressed and admits he takes it out on us but refuses to apologise as he says it sends mixed signals. I can’t tell if its abuse or differing parenting beliefs. I don’t know what support to give my daughter, if I should just get us out try to help her weather the disruption or stay put and hope he leaves? where do I turn for advice?
-
-
-
Okay he left, waiting for the landlord to bring over a new tenancy although he doesn’t know the situation, no one seems to our friends think I’m heartless, I haven’t told anyone I think it’s abuse, what if I’m wrong, it’s never physical, I’m struggling to sleep, the house has been calm this weekend, but he wants to keep coming over everyday to read to kids at bedtime. I keep reading the notes I made on my phone after the last argument when I asked him to leave. I keep running over everything, we have been together so long there have been so many things good and bad. At the moment he is being so calm and nice and patient with the kids, I keep having to remind myself that it doesn’t last long. I’m angry at myself when I think back over things, I try to put my finger on when it started, is it really that insidious? Which events were my errors and what was potentially manipulation? When did he start loosing his temper with the kids? Did I always have anxiety or was it just him telling me I’m ignorant and socially inept, or that I’m panicking. I wish I had started keeping a journal years ago. I might start one now so I don’t go crazy. Thinking I should delete this entire rant and just write it in a journal. Maybe I will delete it tomorrow once I have re written it down.
-
Keep everything. As you begin to discover it was never you in the first place. All this confusion will make perfect sense. Keep a secret journal and also go back to the beginning and write down every single abusive episode and how it made you feel. The more you write the more you will recognise how insidious it really is. Relationships end every day because one partner is no longer happy. That’s enough. You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone. Google Gaslighting. Telling someone their socially inept and ignorant is crazy making behaviour by him. Loving caring partners simply don’t behave this way. Get the tenancy agreement changed asap and inform your landlord of the reasons why as when your ex tries to return you may need the police to remove him. Ask about changing the locks too. Your ex is coming every day to check on you, to keep control of the situation. Please confide in friends. You don’t have to go into detail but keeping the secret is detrimental to your mental health. Abusers thrive on our silence while he will be out badmouthing you to anyone who will listen. He shouldn’t be coming tomyour home. It’s dangerous for you. When they lose control they can become violent even if they have never been violent before. Once you’re safe and the tenancy is in your name. Arrange for visitation in a public place or via a third party if his behaviour gets worse. Having a calm safe space is key to recovery x
-
-
Hi you don’t have to go into detail eirh anyone but using words like controlling relationship, always walking on eggshells, nothing I did was good enough, these could be a start. You’ll know who to really trust. I have no real close friends but those I have told, believe me. It’s like we’re making it up because logically surely no-one would treat you this way or accept this behaviour. But it’s not logical that’s why it’s hard to even describe how or what he does and makes you feel.
Talk to someone at WA, it might take a few meetings, but each time you’ll come away lighter, thoughtful and another step further away from him.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
