2nd November 2023 at 9:11 pm #162835MamabraveParticipant
I didn’t know my husband was an alcoholic before we married. We had a long distance relationship. Now that we are married, I see he wants to drink almost every day if he has money or when he can on days he does have money. He normally starts with a (detail removed by Moderator). Then he was take my car, without my permission or insurance and go and buy (detail removed by Moderator), sometimes 1 at a time.He may also buy other alchol. He normally gets so drunk and starts telling me horrible stories of his life or violent things he fantasizes about. He also gets happy drunk and wants me to dance with him etc or kiss badly or bad sex. It’s tiring and exhausting and very isolating. Who can I chat to about this? It’s very embarrassing for me to say anything to friends and family. I get worried every time he is drunk.
In the UK I know men like to have a drink and he doesn’t drink during the day or at work. He drinks in my car and tried to hide it from me.
Is he an alcoholic?
He lies about if he will buy alcohol and sometimes tricks me to give him the car keys saying he left something in the car.
Anyone has an alcoholic parent? How was it for your child. I am very worried about my baby daughter growing up with him doing this.
My husband is (detail removed by Moderator) and grew up there. Anyone got experience of being with an (detail removed by Moderator) man?
2nd November 2023 at 10:06 pm #162839LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your situation.
The Survivors’ Forum is a place for women to share and support around domestic abuse. Addiction and domestic abuse can happen at the same time and there are others on the forum with experience of this. However, the support here is more focused on abuse and you may also wish to seek specialist support for yourself around his alcohol use, such as from Al-Anon who offer support to family and friends of people with alcohol use problems.
His behaviour that you’ve described with his drinking does sound abusive though. It sounds like it can get quite scary when he’s intoxicated, telling you violent things or pressuring you to dance, kiss, or have sex when you don’t want to. Being drunk or having an alcohol addiction are not excuses for him to treat you in this way, there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. I hope you find the forum a helpful space to talk and get support.
Take care and keep posting,
3rd November 2023 at 5:45 pm #162865StrongLifeParticipant
I had ex that was alcoholic but would not admit it (down to using last of money to buy it rather than food etc). It was hard – he always had if around and declared to everyone he loved it. Clearly was his life and I knew nothing of this.
He was so controlling- brought large purchases including taking loans out in my name without me knowing.
Ultimately this was difficult. With all of this it was clear it was life long habit and he was not willing to see therapist etc if he thought there was no problem. I to this day have no idea how much he drank though had a clue from empties in bin each week.
28th November 2023 at 8:31 pm #163631MamabraveParticipant
Thanks Stronglife, he has managed to give up alcohol now as he got very sick one night. I noticed he drinks more coffee and sweet things now so realise he just needs something to cover how he feels. He has been less abusive but still has huge anger issues.
28th November 2023 at 9:01 pm #163633lover of no contactParticipant
I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. I attend phone-in Al Anon meetings. I used to attend face to face Al- Anon meetings before COVID but I find the phone-in meetings very handy. Many people I know attend the zoom Al Anon meetings. There are ones you can attend in the UK or all over the world day or night. Google for a list of the meetings.I also touch base with this Forum very regularly. One of my close family members is in active addiction. I can’t change him but I get help for myself. I initially thought my ex-husband was an alcoholic due to his drinking, and abusive behaviour but he’s an abuser full stop, w
ho happens to drink but at least me thinking he was an alcoholic got me to many Al Anon meetings and they are a fantastic support. My experience would be living and dealing with these behaviours whether they are alcoholic or abuser is too much for us on our own. These support groups are life-saving and it helps our little ones as well. Us being supported is the way to help our little ones. Alcoholism and abusive behaviours are cunning, baffling and powerful. Gather as many supports around you as you can. You will learn from others experience, strength and hope.
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