Is he emotionally abusive?

[Oliverainbow]

Hello.
I’ve never posted in a forum before, my friend encouraged me to sign up to talk about how I’m feeling. Please bear with me.

So I got with a guy that was (detail removed by moderator) older than me, and i fell pregnant pretty quickly. I already had a (detail removed by moderator) year old from a previous relationship. We had a first major argument when I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant and he left the house after screaming at me. I told him I was scared to continue with the pregnancy and he seemed to calm down.

After the baby was born, he didn’t help much and when infront of his friends they would ask if he helps me and he would say, “go on tell them how good I am and how helpful”. I told him I wasn’t ready for another baby as he kept wanting to have sex without using anything and he told me I wasn’t allowed to go back on the pill. As I had a c section i was terrified I would get pregnant again so I refused to have sex. He would tell me I am being unreasonable about not having another child and if I didn’t have sex with him he implied he would go elsewhere.

During arguments he would call me names, tell me I’m stupid, I’m a moron and that I wouldn’t get anyone else to be with me. He accused me of cheating and made me give him my phone, so he went through all my texts, pictures and social media. I was in tears as he questioned me about every guy in a picture even though they were friends before I met him. He told me I am not allowed to say hello to a certain man and if he came and said hello to me I would put my head down. He would always justify when he has said horrible things to me but saying I caused it and I said something first. He would tell me I am a little girl and he doesn’t know who I think I’m speaking to.

He belittles my way of parenting and if I have a difference of opinions he is condescending and tells me my opinions aren’t valid but his are. He has told me I am not allowed to leave Baby with anyone and he refused to have the baby for me to go back to work so I had to resign. I asked him for help with childcare costs and he said no as I am the one that wants to go back to work it is my responsibility. Every major event in my life he has caused an argument wheich has resulted in him insulting me, telling me I say nothing of any value and my prescence has no purpose. I isolated myself from friends and family to keep him happy and I changed my behaviour. I would keep quiet to avoid getting him upset. He would say I am always disrespectful and criticising him even though I wasn’t. So I stopped speaking. I switched off and still feel like I am on autopilot because I don’t argue or challenge or ask him anything. He would apologise after some arguments which confuse me as he would say sorry sorry, you know I love you. I don’t understand that as you have just hurled insults and bad things at me.

Since our split he has threatened to spit in my face and call social services on me. He turned up at my house because I was asleep for 1 hour and didn’t answer the phone. He then questioned me and told me I have to tell him where I am going and where I am taking his child. He told me that he will not look after Baby for me to go counselling and physiotherapy and I am not allowed to leave Baby with any of my family or friends.

I am scared of him as he is so aggressive and to the outside world he behaves like an angel. Even though we are not together he has so much control and power over me. He chooses when he is going to collect and drop off the baby and it’s on his terms. He has now decided he will no longer give me any money for Baby and if I step out of line he will report me to the job centre as my other child’s father gives me money. I’m arguements when I have had the strength to relay things he has said back to him, he will say he didn’t say it or he would say I said something first, and mix up the order in which we said things to justify what he said.

I cry every day because I am stuck in my situation. I have no support and I cannot go back to work until Baby is 3 as I cannot solely afford childcare. When I told him that I cannot provide for my children he laughed and said his baby is fine. Meaning he does not care about what happens to me or my elder child. I am now in so much debt because I’ve had to use a credit card for day to day shopping.

I have depression and anxiety, I’ve lost interest in my hobbies I used to have. My self confidence and self esteem has gone and I just feel like a bird who has had its wings clipped and there is no solution because.

I just don’t know what to do as I feel like it was all my fault and he would say it’s not abuse, it was him in an argument because of m so I am confused.

[Iwon]

You poor thing. This is mind control and brain washing through fear. Go to wa and get a support worker. Get help to clear your mind. Call the helpline. There are resources to help you. Go to your go. Try to keep contact to minimum so you can have a chance to recover from his abuse x

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you for your response and I am sorry it has taken so long to reply back. I have been feeling very low and my day to day is affected by my situation. I spoke to someone from WR who confirmed this was coercive control and she referred me to speak to a solicitor. It’s very hard in my situation as I have no proof due to him not saying or doing anything infront of people, and everyone thinks he is an amazing man. I will take tour advice on calling the helpline as I am not strong enough to take him on on my own. And I hope to speak to my gp too to advise him on the situation. Thank you again for replying to me x

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