Is he still being Abusive / or is it Me

[Woollymammal]

Hi all,
I hope your all coping as best you can, as you know I’ve been on here before.. I am looking for answers please?
He’s been abuse and physical and for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs hadn’t really recognised it as I was and stiff am trying to grieve for my daughter…
He strangled me, gaslighting, coercive control, his my shoes the one time, constantly wanting to know where I was…If my neighbour popped round for a coffee and he came home, the look on his face was evil and angry.. then sit down with us and dominated the conversation..
His ex wife has always been on the scene, he chats more to her but makes arrangements with her and his daughter to have grandkids for days (not my grandchildren) then I don’t even get a say..
Anyway, when I discovered it was abuse, I was scared and panicked, because I knew from his past the terrible things he did with his father.
I left (detail removed by Moderator) times, came back after (detail removed by Moderator) days, then told him to leave, which he did. I also started seeing another man( why, I don’t know, I think I was lonely and just wanted mostly to have a conversation) anyway I ended up going back to him, obviously now he had something extra to throw at me..How could I do that to him, he’d never do that to me..
So we moved, new house, new start.. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD..I don’t even go food shopping, I just either go to my mom’s, or my daughter’s, proper regular things, same days..
I don’t know if he’s changed or that I’ve just changed more, he gets food after work, cooks my dinner, occasionally gives me money..he can view my bank account as it’s still joint, he now has an seperate account but I can’t see it..
Occasionally he’ll through is a bit of gaslighting, when I had my operation on my back, the same day I came out he wanted to go out for tea, but he’d asked my daughter too.. he seems to use her to get me to do things. He doesn’t like me lying in bed(I don’t sleep good in the night) he’s always hugging me, and constantly asking if I love him .
If he takes my dogs for walks, my eldest jumps up by me and starts shaking .
My head is just driving me mad, has he changed? Or am I paranoid?

X*x

[fizzylem]

Hello WM, so sorry to read of your loss, this must be incredibly painful.

It is most unlikely he has changed nor will he, it’s more likely that you have changed, that your eyes are opening and that he is stepping up being more sneaky with his manipulation tactics to get what he wants.

Sounds like you need someone to help you now and then, which we all do, but this is where you are vulnerable, usually when with a loving, supportive partner it is perfectly ok to be vulnerable, for the both of you, but when in an abusive, toxic relationship this is where we get exploited, even attacked.

Your dog is telling you he does not like him because he has abused him also; please do not leave your dogs alone with this man again, better no walk than one where they are mistreated. FL.x

[Woollymammal]

Hi FL,

Thank you for your kind words..he has been violent in the past to my dogs and he enjoyed telling me..He said he hit my (detail removed by Moderator) dog (who is now living with my (detail removed by Moderator) ) so hard he woukdnt come in and eat his dinner, he also said he hit my (detail removed by Moderator) yr old dog when she came in and weed on the floor that he grabbed her collar and three her outside where she hit (detail removed by Moderator) …
I do take my dogs most time with me when I go out.. but my other little dog I got went to bite him the 1 day…He just said (detail removed by Moderator) he says that a lot and I wonder what he means by it..
I love my dogs dearly, I am planning to meet with another domestic abuse team tomorrow, WA are overwhelmed at the moment and have no spare support workers at present..
At the moment I am just going with the flow, I am now seeing a physchologist at last and trying to get stronger.. it may take a year or so but I’m doing it properly this time and planning it…
My dogs and cat are also my priority, but in the meantime I still need reassurance that he is that same abusive man he was before..

X*x

[Iwantmeback]

I doubt want to scare you but my dog died recently, weeks after being kicked and lifted off the ground and shook so hard by my oh. He was always threatening to stab him, shoot him,slit his throat. Constantly Telling me to get rid of him. My dog was warning him for over a year to back off, teeth bared, growling. The night he attacked my dog, was the night he bit him. The fact my oh wasn’t being aggressive to him at the time is neither here nor there, the fact is for years he’s been on high alert,just like us, my oh moved too quickly and he retaliated by biting him. I can’t grieve for him, if I start I won’t stop. And still I’m not strong enough to leave, so I understand Woollymammal.
Your oh won’t change, he’ll just use different tactics. I’ve only recently realised how he’s used my daughter against me(triangulation) was always under the impression that that was only in sexual relationships, playing one woman off another. She now speaks to me as if I’ve something she’s stood on. He used the fact that I so desperately wanted a mother daughter relationship where we did things together and caused a rift between us. I’m scared to let my own daughter in and be friends with her, never mind Her mum. Maybe if I leave we’ll be able to fix things but I’ll never have any sort of relationship with her while he’s still in my life.
He might not actually be going to do anything to the little dog, but the fact you know he’s capable of doing something is enough to make you scared for it. Dogs pick up on our higher cortisol levels and that’s what puts them on alert mode too, so if you’re scared of him, they’ll know he’s dangerous and be fearful of him too. And a scared dog, attacks eventually. I actually dreamed my oh was attacked by 2 of our dogs, I heard it and I literally took the other one out the back and went for a walk. Came back in(still in my dream) and he was bleeding and asking where I’d been as they’d attacked him, to which I replied, did they, I thought you were just shouting at them and they were barking at you to keep away. (detail removed by Moderator)
It’s exhausting living with verbal abuse and the threat of physical abuse, you must be so tired, I hope you too can get out of this nightmare. 😪
IWMB 💕💕

[Woollymammal]

Hi IWMB,

I’m so sorry he killed your dog, they are our only link to love and affection in an abusive relationship..They love unconditionally and I feel your pain and anger that he has taken him away in such horrific circumstances ..
I am scared for my animals, my other small dog (detail removed by moderator) is at least safe..I called him my therapy dog as when I had my neck operation I knew I’d just have to sit around more, and would think more of my lost daughter..He was so tiny and cute..Of course I feel the same way about my dogs at home with me… He gets jealous of the affection I give them, and they mostly all try and sit my lap together even my cat…
I was supposed to be meeting with someone this morning from another domestic abuse place..They called me when he was here even though I told them to text me..I had to make an excuse who it was but I didn’t answer..I called and told them they should text not call, he often picks up my phone to look who it is . I had a lucky escape I was near my phone … Anyway they called to cancel, I’ve lost trust in so many people… I can’t go to them as I’d have to make an excuse where I was going, he knows when I lie .
I feel for you about your daughter, how they use them as porns in there games against us. And you will be able to fix things between you when your ready to leave .
There is so much pain on this forum, I want to send out hugs to you and all the other ladies that are suffering together..
Hugs…
X*x

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