Is he still controlling me?

[ryusaki]

Me and abusive ex coparent daughter- he picks her up from mine weekly. He’s started texting me a lot and the texts are getting a bit inappropriate- (detail removed by Moderator) etc. I reply to his texts straight away and I’m trying hard to be polite but also don’t want anything to do with him. I feel a bit sick and anxious until I’ve replied and then they’re done with. My parents are saying there’s something wrong with me because I reply to him straight away and I’m too nice. I have a new partner now who is lovely and I’m very happy with him. The way my parents are talking they’re saying that he still controls me but im not sure? Can I still be controlled and not realise it?

[Grey Rock]

Well I suppose he is really. He’s pushing the boundaries and you’re responding immediately out of fear really (that slightly sick anxious feeling).
One of the most useful things I read was the book Out Of The FOG. FOG stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt. I was vaguely aware that these were all feelings that I felt during and after the relationship, but the book helped me understand that this was no accident or coincidence. They were all things my abuser used for control and coercion. Once my eyes had been opened to his strategic use of things to control me those strings were snip snip snipped and I was more able to live up to my WA forum name and it was Grey Rock all the way and I finally got some peace. Yes, there were times he’d have another go at contact but I was wise to him and he didn’t get any rise or response.

I think this is definitely harder in your situation with children involved. Maybe it’s worth having a chat with Women’s Aid or similar about co parenting contact and boundaries (deciding what they should be and how best to enforce them, remembering that boundaries are ours to keep because an abuser won’t respect them).

This is all such a learning journey isn’t it. We deal with the big mess and hope that’s it but there’s still more to learn and deal with as we continue to build our new lives and navigate the healing process).

Ultimately you are not obliged to respond to any contact that doesn’t involve the children. But that’s easier said than done if, like me, you were conditioned to respond immediately or face the consequences. These men abused us. We are not obligated to keep them happy. (Like that was ever possible anyway). They haven’t got to like it.

GR x

[Bananaboat]

I think so yes. I’m experiencing similar lately where he’ll text to say pick up child early then when I get there he wants to hang out together, I feel uncomfortable but do it as it’s in public places but then I get dismissed when he’s ready rather than saying right I’m going now on my terms. I feel like I’ve clicked into an old version of myself but also recognise it, which will help me to control it. I wonder if that’s what you’re experiencing too with feeling the need to reply to the texts.Do you reply to everyone else’s texts that quickly? I must read the book GR recommends as I’ve seen it suggested by lots of ppl, hope it helps you too. x

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, yes he is upping contacting you to twst you with how far he can go with this old behaviour from him. You are used to having to respond fast as in the past that was part of the abuse, that is control.

I would suggest putting a boundary in place re child pick up/drop off… if he collects/drops off once a week maybe text/say something along the lines of
‘Moving forward you are seeing (child) on this day at that time, no need to contact me unless you decide to cancel’. He will more than likely have a toddler fit (abusers do not like it when things do not go their way)

I was also raised to be polite (pleasing and compliant as well for me)… try to keep contact to a minimum if you can, you are not responsible for his behaviour or actions ever… you do not have to be ‘nice or ask how he is’ and you do not have to respond, it is your phone, your life which you have fought hard to move on with. Your ex is still clutching, using whatever tactic to get to you

The feeling you described is walking on eggshells until you message back, that’s not your fault and there’s nothing wrong with you. If your ex is aware you are with someone else he may well be working on sabotaging your new relationship by putting himself in your life (and mind) more.

The Freedom Programme may be helpful to you or a Pattern Change course?

Remember you owe him nothing, you owe yourself everything 💯 ❤

[Mellow]

Oh dear why do you need to reply if he’s (detail removed by Moderator)?didn’t you end the relationship?no response is necessary your putting yourself into a vulnerable using position.if you must reply keep it short yea /no or not at all only talk about the kids.it’s ok to be polite but not when he takes it too far that’s being civil but remember he’s not respected you or done you any favours you don’t owe him anything.you don’t need to reply straight away either before answering think how you will answer wait one hour.this is a issue I’ve tried to work on we don’t need to reply straight away you must renter these people like to keep evidence of everything so think it through before you even reply. (detail removed by Moderator).you don’t have to say anything friendly just yea or no or thumb up emoji thumb down

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