Is he trying to confuse and undermine me?

[Sungirl]

So me and husband have separated but still living in the same house. Me and kids left for (detail removed by moderator) but ended up coming back (detail removed by moderator) At the time I wanted him to move out but he said he was suicidal. Since then he’s being the perfect Dad. I’m sleeping in a different room and trying to reduce contact as much as possible. I referred my self to local WA twice, heard nothing, but found another charity who are calling me next week. I’m planning to apply for divorce but for some reason I can’t do it. It’s taken a long time for me to get my head around his controlling behaviour. In the past he also had an affair and there have been periods of aggressive outbursts of shouting at me and the kids, making threats, put downs etc Today we had an argument and please tell me if I’m wrong but is this his way of trying to undermine me? He said I’m playing the victim, he was annoyed with me as my son is refusing to speak to him and he wants to know what have I said to my son. Also he said he has spoken with someone from (detail removed by moderator) who was surprised that I was not more understanding of his mental health needs. I was absolutely livid, and although did respond, tried to not engage as much as possible. (detail removed by moderator) Seriously I just didn’t even know what to say, I was soooo confused and bamboozled!

[Lisa]

Hi Sungirl,

Your instincts are good here, it does seem like he’s trying to undermine you and make you question what you know to be the truth. Abusers will use all kinds of tactics to keep their control when they feel this is threatened. Claims of being suicidal, stepping up behaviour to seem like the perfect dad, trying to minimise the abuse by saying you’re playing the victim, blaming you for the consequences of his behaviour, manipulating input from outside parties. I’m sure that the person who he says was surprised you weren’t more understanding of his mental health needs got less than half of the story and isn’t aware of the context of domestic abuse from him.

There’s such a variety of behaviours he’s using here to put pressure on you and to make you doubt yourself. I’m glad that you’ve found some support locally and are reaching out here to check things out when you need.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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