Is he trying to regain control

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi

Not sure if this is me being paranoid. I’ve been distant from my husband for sometime due to his behaviour but more so recently and we were going to split, he convinced me otherwise.

I’ve a lot of stress with kids with additional needs, little toddler my own troubles etc. So I need stability emotionally and I’ve asked for counselling in process of getting help and WA say they will also put me on their waiting list.

Thing is I had a real down day yesterday husband was kind about it in morning but by afternoon we went out as family he had one pint and went depressed. By evening he explains it’s because we aren’t the same anymore he’s unloved, etc etc to which even with nothing left for myself I held his hand.

He slept on sofa and is being weird today. I am too because I can’t copd with his mood. His mood also makes me anxious and I’m feeling low already. Am I mean? I just need to be allowed to be sad or low without it ending up like this.

My question is this, is it a form of gaslighting?

Is he trying to get me to jump through hoops and getting upset I am not anymore.

Thanks x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi chocolatebunny, it sounds like he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him. He knows only too well how you feel, how much you have to do, yet he’s expecting you to make him feel better. He’s not depressed, we throw that word out far too easily, what he is is, is realising he’s about to lose his verbal, emotional punching bag. He’ll mope about knowing you’ll do anything to make him feel better, and in doing so put your feelings and what you need on the back burner as usual. You could ignore him, or you could just tell him to get out of your sight or you could go out for an hour, with our without the children. He’s acting like a stroppy teenager/ child cos he’s not getting his own way that’s all.
Take care, I’m finding the more I recognise what my husband is doing, the stronger I’m getting in standing up to him, but it’s not happening over night. We test the waters, but even then after a while, I’m finding I’m no longer being as timid. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Hi CB, yes I would say this is gaslighting, he’s manipulating you psychologically and emotionally. I agree with IWMB, its all about poor me, I’m the victim, I’m depressed; when doing this he doesn’t consider or respond to how you feel – or help in anyway!

Try to ignore him and get on and do what you need to do regardless.

Sounds like you feel the relationship is dead, that you’re only there for the children. You know this is a common misconception in folk, as yes, isnt it a wonderful thing when a child lives and grows up in a warm, loving family environment, the only problem is, this isnt what youve got here is it.

Have you considered what it is like for the children to live in this atmosphere? What messages they are receiving? That mum stays and puts up with him, that you must stay and put up with a miserable marriage – we give our children the blueprints for their relationships and they take this with them in life – what is your blueprint? Much better for them to see that mum would not take his abuse hey, that you must never settle for anything less than aiming for a happy life, have loving, supportive relationships. What would you be saying to your kids if they were in your situation?

It’s probably better to get out while your kids are still young. There’s quite a bit of research out there now on the impact on children; grown children often say I wish she’d got out sooner! Because we all had to endure it, I hated being at home. I hated them arguing. It feels like a burdon they must carry, they look around at how things are for their friends, and instantly notice the differences in other homes and families.

It is absolutely ok, in fact its essential, to consider how you’d like it to be, if you are happy your children will be be too, as you will be showing them how. This is not selfish, it is what needs to happen and best.

He can support his children and you as their mum without being with you; a good dad will always do this; and if he doesn’t, you will find support from others and make it work, he’s only draining you and making life harder atm. FL.x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi and thanks for all the replies. Sorry for not getting back sooner but its not been easy to get on here. (detail removed by moderator)

My depression has come on quite strong since I decided to stay with him, I was stressed and scared when thinking of separating but had hope things would get better life would be better, staying has made me feel like it was all me or all for nothing, the preparing to split, the school being involved due to his emotional abuse and so on. He’s been fairly good to be honest in a lot of ways and so I feel like I was being out of order maybe?

My depression is pretty bad right now. Im trying to juggle the problems my kids have alongside a good friend who has been through a huge amount of stress of late, losing a family member and this has been hard to listen to and Ive taken on board a lot of her upset, some things she experiences are so close to home for me. My brother went through an awful spell too, I listened to him when he was ever so low, he’s better now and thats good. But its all taken it toll on me.

My husband is every few days getting upset/insecure, due to lack of intimacy or saying little things like I didn’t say goodnight to him when he was about to go to bed same time as me, we got into bed and held hands I think, I was so tired I cant remember. But I asked if he was coming to bed, and he said he was which is why I didn’t say goodnight at the time, it doesn’t make sense. He has been kinda supportive regarding my low mood, but he will let me sit there upset and do nothing, doesn’t cuddle me when I need it and then complains I don’t care. Im tired of thinking things are ok with us to then find its not and Im not being affectionate or something else.

Just trying to work things out, so down and confused again.

[diymum@1]

its true to impact on the kids can be irreversible – i wanted to share this with you CB-

These arent my words theyre lundy bancrofts; the dv god!

Guilt

If you are plagued by guilty feelings,you arent alone.One of the typical dynamics of abusive relationships is that the man is the one who behaves destructively,yet the woman comes out feeling as if shes the one who did something wrong. See if any of the dynamics seem familiar;

Your partner’s behaviour seems to make no sense,so you end up feeling like you must have done something to cause this. Otherwise, how do you explain where on earth it came from?

voices in your own head blame you for what has happened because ‘you picked him’and because ‘your choosing to stay in this relationship’.Neither of these points actually make you responsible for your partners actions,but guilty feelings dont follow logic.

his behavior triggers feelings from experiences you had early in life when you were made to feel guilty for bad things that happened to you or around you.Some parents for example,lay heavy loads of guilt over everything from broken dishes to the parents own unhappiness in life.

Your partner sends you the message that you are at fault for bad things he has done to you.As a result,your pain from his behaviour gets interwoven with the ways in which he blames it on you.

Write this in your journal about these feelings to help you get perspective on them.Guilt can eat away at you inside, and you dont deserve to carry that weight. Noticing when you are feeling guilty will also help;then when those feelings come up,you can ask yourself.’have i really done anything wrong? or am i actually feeling bad because of what HE did?’

Here is his mantra – His unhealthy behavior dosen’t make me guilty of anything

[diymum@1]

he also says guilt tripping is the bench mark of abuse xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’ve just reread the comments and have my space back for now he’s back st work. I’m thinking clearer as a result.

Your comments make perfect sense and I will continue to make notes in my book. It’s hard to believe someone who shows kindness can also be doing something destructive towards you. He’s trying hard atm. So what he’s doing is like little nudges, I can see that. Let’s see where we go from here.

Thanks again, I appreciate others have it far worse, at the moment mine sounds extremely trivial however over time it wears you down. And of course, there have been some unpleasant moments, and periods of time.

[KIP.]

Hi, his behaviour is causing your depression. I remember the feeling when I made my mind up and ended the relationship. The feeling of taking back control and feeling positive. Then he manipulated me and talked me out of ending it and the depression returned with a vengeance. While you’re with him, your mental health will get worse while he thrives.

[Iwantmeback]

Leaving an abusive partner is the hardest thing in the world to do because they are not abusive 24/7. Even when they are ‘being nice’, they need it to be recognised, like a child at school getting a gold star for good behaviour, or tidying up after class.
The symptoms of abuse and depression are so similar with the root of depression being him. If we don’t get rid of the cause, then nothing will help the symptoms, it’ll only mask them.
CB, your abuse is not trivial, just because you don’t have any outward signs of abuse don’t think what’s going on inside your body is any the less serious. It’s because it seems so trivial that it’s hard to leave. But nice never lasts. Look up covert abuse, it might open your eyes up more too. That is my oh to a t.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Mommabear]

I am in exactly the same situation as you and wanted to send you a message because I could have written your post myself. I am in a constant state of fear and like you feel so guilty for the smallest things. MY OH has also been trying really hard but after (detail removed by moderator) years I can’t see how a couple of months of best behaviour changes everything.

He also tells me how bad he feels, how sad he is, how he’s trying. He even told me the other day that I was the problem and not him. He said it is all in my head yet when I write down everything that he’s done (violence, cheating, swearing, lying, manipulating, gaslighting) then I know it’s not true.

What stage are you at? Have you asked for space? Do you want a divorce?

I feel like I am living in groundhog day. I literally don’t know what I should do

Big hugs to you x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi Mommabear, thanks for your reply, Im so sorry to hear your situation, understand the ground hog day and the not knowing what to do. Sounds like you’ve been going through a lot, and you’re right a few months of better behaviour doesn’t make up for the bad times, nor can you forget. Its hard to move forward when you are expecting to get caught out the moment you let them back in emotionally.

I have asked hubby to leave 4-5 times and he always comes back or wins me over, he never really leaves. I have seen a support work at WA once and meeting again soon. I am so unsure and waiting for counselling to help me think clearer.

I wish I could have space but he guilt tripped me into letting him stay, my kids have additional needs and he said he might not be local if he had to move out so wouldnt be able to help etc etc etc.

If he had just gone I wouldn’t be in this situation now.

How do you really feel do you want him to leave and give you space, or would you prefer a more final separation, its hard to decide when you have children together. Have you been in touch with your local WA?

Sending you hope and hugs x*x

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