Is it a lie to get me to talk to him?

[Quietgirraffe]

my ex has been harrassing me,trying desperately to contact me since I left (which wasn’t all that long ago). Not long ago the attempts at contact abruptly stopped, until i received a message out of the blue from someone in his circle just sort of checking in on me because of the shleter-in-place situation. I was pretty sure that my ex had put this person up to contacting me, because they’ve never done so before.
And a few days after that, my ex sent me a message saying that he was having a health scare and was still waiting for further testing to see if it’s actually anything to worry about. he said sorry for things he’d said since I’d left and made an excuse about what drove him to say those things. He basically said that because of the health scare he wanted things to be good between us, so that if the worst happened we at least wouldn’t be mad at each other.
Rationally i know that I shouldn’t believe him, the timing of this supposed health issue is too obvious when he’s been trying to find every reason and way under the sun to get me to talk to him, and has been very manipulative in doing so, trying to appeal to my desire to be a compassionate and loving person and make me feel sorry for him and like I am doing something wrong and immature by not contacting him. The fact that he would use something so incredibly serious to try to get me to talk to him is upsetting enough in itself, I’m sure he must know how much it terrifies me to think that he night actually be truly at risk.
But I can’t help but be afraid that maybe it really is true. I’m so scared that it could be. And if the worst actually did happen and I weren’t there for him, I could never forgive myself. I am crying right now because I honestly don’t know what to think, and I’m scared to make the wrong choice and have regrets that I’ll never be able to fix. Maybe I am just being totally irrational and buying into this because having something terrible happen to a loved one has always been a fear that has haunted me (which I have told him about in the past so maybe he remembers that and figures its a tactic that will work), but I just can’t sort it out in my mind.

[fizzylem]

One of the best peices of advice a dear old wise friend once said to me was, if you don’t know what to do, don’t know what the answer is, then do nothing, because this usually means you do not have all the information yet to make a decision, only when the answer presents itself to you are you ready to make the decision.

I think this has served me very well, the only time I can think of when this does not help is when in an abusive relationship, doing nothing is not helpful, because getting out and away is needed, but in every other life situation this has helped me a great deal.

Seems you’re saying you don’t have enough information to make a decision to me; this news has certainly stirred an emotional response in you hasn’t it. Life’s also shown me it’s usually best not to make decisions purely from emotion, this is an emotional reaction, rather than an informed decision, I wouldn’t react to or from my emotions, rather I look for some rationale and logic as well, gather more info.

Another thought I had was that you don’t actually need anything from him to find some peace with how you feel about things – ever x

[KIP.]

Yes it’s a lie and he’s using his flying monkeys to pass it on. Ignore block and have nothing to do with him or his flying monkeys. He’s not your responsibility and any contact is toxic. You will always be vulnerable to an abuser that’s why zero contact is so important.

[Quietgirraffe]

Thank you for the input fizzylem and KIP. Part if the problem is indeed that I don’t have enough information, and in order to get proof that he has even seen any doctors at all in this regard I would have to make contact with him. Which I don’t want to do. But then I think if I don’t make any contact, how am I going to know if things progress and he actually gets a diagnosis or not?
And even if what he says is true, he could still certainly be using the truth to manipulate me.
I wish I were farther along in my healing journey, I think it might be easier for me to have a rational response to this if I were. But I still feel such a strong tie to him. I forget the awful things he’s done and love comes rushing back in and I want nothing more than to give him love and affection and make sure he doesn’t feel alone.
Perhaps I shouldn’t say anything and just wait to see if he come through with any further information. I know rationally that a situation like this shouldn’t change the fact that I have left and he has hurt me. I will try to find a way to make the rational part of my brain stronger.

[KIP.]

He knows all this and will play you like an expert. Please don’t go back for more abuse.he desperately wants a reaction. Don’t give him one.

[fizzylem]

Then maybe it’s about accepting you don’t have enough information to make an informed decision – and this is just where you are, that unless you were to discover this is true then it’s best not to act?

But I wouldn’t actively try and find out either if it were me. I would accept I simply can not make a decision based on what I know now. So do nothing. Although I get there must be plenty of temptation to try and find out to battle with, course.

The reason you know very little to nothing is because you are no longer involved isn’t it.

It might be an idea to give yourself a bit of time here, to see how you feel and what you think a bit further down the line, this news has hit you, perhaps you need to get past the blast?

I would also try not to spend too much time worrying if it is true; if this happens, I would maybe say to myself, right, today I am going to have a day where I assume it isn’t true all day today – see what comes from this; just an idea, pretty sure you would notice how much better you feel doing this and it may help you to find some resolve, affirm you are doing what is right for you here.

What do you know so far? That you can not be with this man; that he is manipulative and abusive. This you know for sure.

What don’t you know, if he’s telling the truth, because he has told so many lies before. These are the facts aren’t they, this is what you do know. Your rationale maybe?

Worst case scenario, isn’t it fair to reason here that you had no real way of knowing whether he was telling the truth, after all the lies he told, so you couldn’t act?

Also, ‘if’ this situation were to come, do you need to act now? Probably not hey. Will there be an opportunity later to come back to this – likely so. Or could you create an opportunity for yourself with this friend, by telling this person to keep you posted? Because you may or may not want to say goodbye, if this came to be.

He wouldn’t be the first man to try and spin a health scare to reel you back in – I’ve been on this forum a few years now and have heard this several times now.

Could it be that what you are searching for here is not whether this is true or not, is it more the emotional resolve within that you need – that you have let him go? In life or in death; it makes no difference? Would knowing and feeling you have let him go bring you peace? Just a thought. I can imagine how self empowering this would feel, especially if you discovered later on he was fine; but it would also help you if he is not as well.

Yes I appreciate I am much further down the line than you, if I try to think of what I would do here, using my ex, there is no longing for him to be different and for us to be together in this at all for me now, so I would certainly do nothing, I can see how I would have likely reacted here though, and the not knowing would be hard to deal with for sure – a real test; I think at the very least I would talk to those I trusted first, all of them, and maybe WA and the Samaritians too – to help shape my thoughts x

[Quietgirraffe]

I’ve been thinking about what you both said and decided I won’t reach out to him. I don’t want to get pulled back in, I have so much farther to go before his manipulations no longer affect me. If it really does turn out to be real and serious, I’m sure that he, and his family too, will reach out to me again, and probably with a message that in itself is much less manipulative than his last one. After show it to some friends they were able to help me see how manipulative it was, even while he was saying he was scared he was also still putting the blame for the things he did to me partially on me, and even blaming this health scare for the things he did in the past – like he had been worried about it for quite a while but hadn’t said anything to me before. And his message even accused me of pettiness. So I guess if it were really a serious concern, the message would have focused a lot more on the actual problem than on manipulating me to feel worried and like I needed to prove I’m not petty. So I will wait and see.

[KIP.]

Well done. These men will try anything. Mine even said he had lumps on his testicles which was a load of rubbish. Nasty despicable people. He’s not your responsibility and if I has a serious illness I wouldn’t be dumping it on a partner I’d split up from. It’s just another ploy, more lies and there’s lots more to come if you allow contact. I bet he didn’t once ask after your health after everything he’s put you through. Trauma can have terrible consequences on our own health so stay away x it will get easier once you realise how they play this mind game. It’s quite pathetic really x just try to distract yourself x

[fizzylem]

Wow! Sounds like you’ve really unpacked it and can see it for exactly what it is – all power to you! Loved reading the part where you said ‘this is not the right time for me, I can see I am still vulnerable’ – this is exactly what you need to do here and always – think about what you need, what is right for you – becasue when you do the rest will always be alright.

Yes agree, if he was really terminally ill then the message would have been very different, it would have said how sorry he is, can see how he behaved was appaulling and how much this hurt you, that he wants absolutely ‘nothing’ from you, other than to say sorry and to wish you well in life – that he understands and respects you need to distance yourself now and it needs to be this way – or something like hey.

I think this is going to be a big boost to your recovery – you’re growing stronger! x

[diymum@1]

put it this way if that was me and i was terminally ill i wouldnt burden anyone with that weight. its selfish to do that in this set of circumstances. this says it all to me and my gut tells me what he is saying is fabricated. my ex mother inlaw used to use the terminally ill card – she is still alive and well today – infact shes probably healthier than me! do nothing for now and play this one out he will trip himself up xxxx im wondering what he says he has (i know you cant say) but i bet he dosent know what the prognosis is or any of the relevant features and symptoms of it xxxx hope im not being cynical here but seen it a few times with abusers – its the ultimate martyr card xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Quietgiraffe, my ex used flying monkey’s in the beginning indirectly. Because they couldn’t get a hold of him, then when they did he was going on about not being here thinking of killing himself. They took it upon themselves to contact me, asking if I’d try and get in touch as they were worried. I remember the advice I was given and said if they were that worried to contact his boss or the police. Trust your gut, there was no sign of this while you were with him him so why would it happen now? You can see through this, his manipulation, well done, it’s hard but once a few days have gone by and he goes down another track you’ll realise you did the right thing. He will say and do anything to win you back, NOTHING is off limits, NOTHING.
And if it proves that he is I’ll, it’s karma for all he’s put you through
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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