Is it a Power Struggle or abuse?

[Weepingwillow]

I’ve been with my husband since my (detail removed by Moderator) and always knew our relationship wasn’t quite right but I did love him
After the deaths of my parents I had therapy for a traumatic event and after a few sessions she said my husband wasn’t helping with my grief and we ended up taking about him more and more and she said he controls me and has n********tic traits but felt he would be worse if I left and would be safer to o so stay and protect the kids the best I could. I have now finished therapy and turned to my sister . She is frustrated with me as can’t understand why I stay and our last conversation said it sounds like a power struggle between us, we have no respect for each other but neither has the courage to leave . He’s not really violent but does threaten violence and swears and shouts a lot .
I found out a (detail removed by Moderator) ago that he messages other women and at first I was broken and then i just turned a blind eye and part of me hoped he would leave for someone else . Recently a woman messaged saying he had messaged her daughter in appropriate messages. He’s dented, blamed me for not giving him attention and said he was brought up o help people and that’s what he does . I don’t feel he helps me and the kids at all just other people . My sister said this has given me he upper hand and I was really upset about this as didn’t feel like that at all , just made me feel ashamed and disrespected
I’m going on I know , I just don’t know what /who is right or wrong any more , feel more confused than ever
I’ve tried to focus on me the last few months , I was overweight after years of comfort eating and decided to start eating healthy and walking but I just feel it’s all a waste of time 😪 and feel myself slipping

[KIP.]

Abusers are liars and I have huge concern that any therapist would tell someone to stay in a controlling relationship with someone with n********tic traits. Please contact your local women’s aid. Threatening violence shouting and swearing is illegal and I’d speak to the domestic abuse police too.

[Weepingwillow]

Thanks KIP. I was concerned about losing my kids to him , he is very charming to the outside of world . My therapist said at least with him, now I know you what I’m dealing with I can protect them.
I get confused as he is like Jekyll and Hyde and when he’s being normal I think I’ve overdramatised things
I have tried to call women’s aid a few times and left messages but not had call back and have in the past spoken to them. I know there are many women who’s need is greater than mine

[KIP.]

You can’t protect them when you’re with him, that’s the problem. They’re exposed to his abuse and his abusing you. They learn from his behaviour. Show them they don’t need to put up with abuse. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as an adult. There’s lots of help out there and forewarned is forearmed.

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you , I will speak to Women’s Aid and see where I stand . It does worry me that he is such a charmer and could get custody of the kids , I’m not the best at expressing myself

[KIP.]

That’s where women’s aid can help you and advocate on your behalf if you need them x

[sweet4]

hi Can i just say, when i spoke to Solice today, they said it sounds like an argument
So i am confused, so shouting and swearing, and throwing insults at me, threatening to knock down the bedroom door, is not abuse, just a row.The police felt the same.

[Daff]

My ex used to message other woman and said it was my fault because i didn’t give him enough attention. Hes very good at people seeing what he wants people to see. After we spilt the children would side with him, lie and cover things for him. I stopped him seeing the children and stopped all contact between him and me. Now he uses one of the children to try and and get contact. They are starting to realise what he is like but its not what i wanted. I wanted to keep them out of things as much as possible. All i can say is now im not with him im more comfortable not afraid of what im going home to. Even if things are up in the air i hope theres light at tge end of the tunnel. You deserve to be happy, it may not be a easy road getting there but im sure you can.

[Camel]

Hi Weepingwillow

I agree with KIP that no counsellor who really understood abuse would advocate staying in the relationship. It isn’t always easy to find a counsellor who is a good fit. You went to her for one thing and ended up concentrating on something else.

Your sister’s advice isn’t really helpful either, though she probably has your best interests at heart. She doesn’t understand the dynamics of abuse. You are not in a power struggle, it’s not about lack of respect for each other, you don’t have the moral high ground or the upper hand. Basically she’s defining your relationship as dysfunctional which implies shared blame.

We all turn to others for help and it’s so disheartening when we end up feeling worse. Only people trained and experienced in abuse can offer meaningful advice and support. WA is your best bet.

[Orangerainbow]

Hi, I am new here, having just left my abusive husband. Makes me sick to call him that. No work on yourself is a waste of time. Nobody can take thst away from you. Your time is precious, time spend on your wellbeing is time well spent. Keep the focus on yourself, whats best for you, that is what I am trying to do. Best wishes 🙂

[Catjam]

Hi, I have my sister and my boss who are also frustrated by the fact I still put him and his feelings first. I’m out but I am still trying to keep everyone happy at a great cost to myself.
These men are very good at the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. I still question now if life was so bad with him.
Seek help from women’s aid and also read as much as you can. The Freedom programme is also very good.

[Eggshells]

Hi Weepingwillow,

I was raised by a narc and as KIP pointed out, I was one of those children who went on to marry a narc.

Please take it from me, you can’t protect your children from him whilst they still live with him.

I so wish that I had understood the abuse sooner than I did. I could have saved my children and myself from some really deep rooted damage.

It’s very unusual for fathers to get custody but you should get legal representation and, as KIP said, an advocate from your local dv charity. Also tell your GP about the emotional and psychological abuse. They have to log it.

This doesn’t sound like a power struggle to me, it sounds like abuse. Please Google the abuse cycle to explain the Jekyl and Hyde moments. My ex could change personality in a split second depending on who suddenly appeared around the corner to witness his behaviour.

If you’re still not sure please have a look at the link below

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

The more you read, the better you will understand your partners behaviour. You can’t change him or manage him. Narcs genuinely believe that they are better than everyone and they are exceptionally controlling and manipulative. The only way to stop them abusing you is to leave unfortunately.

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