Is it abuse?

[Glitterbug]

I don’t know where to begin…but recently I have started to wonder if my marriage is emotionally abusive.

I have been in a relationship with my husband since we were both teenagers. Back then he wanted to spend all his time with me. He didn’t have a good relationship with his family. When we went round to his they always had big rows which made me feel uncomfortable. If I ever said I didn’t want to go round he said he wouldn’t go either and would come to me. When his friends invited him out he always wanted me to go too. If I didn’t want to he would say if I didn’t go he wouldn’t bother so I went along. But then when I wanted to go out with my friends he wanted to come as it was only fair as I went out with his. I invited him a couple of times to pacify him but it didn’t really work me tagging my boyfriend along. If I wanted to go without him it would cause so many arguments I couldn’t face it so I eventually drifted away from my friends.

Although I was sad about it we still had joint friends and I had my family so life carried on. He was so loving in every other way. We later got married and had our first child. He then turned on my family and family friends. He started getting offended by everything they said and did. He complained about them to me all the time. We went on to have more children. He is very protective over them where family are involved and they are always saying or doing the wrong thing which leaves me on eggshells. Although I love my family it has left me not wanting contact with them as it usually results in rows between me and him. I come from a big sociable family but I feel he is isolating us from everyone. His mum and dad did the same with their family.

He is generally an irritable person who finds fault with everyone. Every birthday, Christmas and family celebration is a source of stress and tears for me because of his angry behaviour. He is constantly accusing people of isolating him even though they are not.

He always saved his criticism for other people but lately has turned on me accusing me of talking over him, being rude and being dismissive of him. I’m not sure if this is true – maybe I’m starting to show my annoyance and stand up for myself more because his behaviour is getting worse and more frequent and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m sick of having to turn down invites to family dos, work nights out, school mum trips out etc. Everyone probably thinks I’m antisocial but I’d love to go but can’t bear all his anger about it before and after. It’s not worth the heartache. I look at others and no one else around me seems to have trouble going out without their partner.

I’m dreading Christmas, spending all that time with him and the likelihood of more arguments. He likes us to spend all our time together but I feel suffocated.

I worry about the affect it has on the kids. They know he gets angry easily and has no patience but they also have a good relationship with him.

Since I have started thinking is behaviour is abusive I really want to leave him. I can’t look at him in the same way. I just worry about doing the right thing by the kids and how we would cope financially. I’m also worried about how he would react.

In between all this he can be completely normal and loving. He is not violent and doesn’t insult me. Because of this it makes me doubt myself if it’s abuse or he’s just difficult.

Sorry if this is garbled but I just needed to get it all off my chest. I’ve been trying to find the courage to post on here for a while. I would really value your thoughts.

[Lisa]

Hi there Glitterbug, we know it can take a lot of strength to begin to share your experiences so well done! Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find it a supportive place.

It is understandable that you have doubted yourself, however it is so important to remember that domestic abuse doesn’t just have to be about physical violence. It can take place in many forms.It sounds as though you have now accepted that your husband is abusive.

We know that thinking about leaving can be a big step. You can contact a Support Worker from Women’s Aid via our live chat where you can chat in confidence about your situation. Support workers will not tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. For more information about the chat service please go to: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

If you wanted to access some ongoing support, you can find the details for your local domestic abuse service here

Keep posting

Best wishes

Lisa

[Fudgecake]

Hello and well done to sharing here. It’s hard to do initially but this is a very supportive place with a lot of knowledge and experience between us all. You have made the first step in looking at your situation And asking the question…

If something feels off, it is.
Your gut instinct is trying to tell you something. Listen to it. I wish I’d listened to mine earlier.
If you’re asking if this is abuse then sadly it often is.

[Raindays]

This is very similar to my situation and he makes me dowbt my negative feelings and just when I’m standing up to him like earlier he yelled about something I shared on social media (was only a friends home she was selling) and instead of explaining my self as I have learned to do for years I said why are you yelling at me you know it scares me when you do that he went out and bought me flowers and chocolates. The damage is done now though for me, years and years of tearing down, but then things like this make you feel bad and this is how I’m still here! 🙈 😫🤦‍♀️

[Glitterbug]

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to get other people’s thoughts as I haven’t confided in anyone about it in my real life. Maybe because I know there would be no going back from that. I nearly did recently but then things go back to normal again for a while and I start doubting myself. Also we have a big family celebration coming up and I don’t want to put a downer on that for everyone. Although I know there will never be a good time.

I rang my local women’s aid a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling like I couldn’t cope anymore and offloaded but I didn’t ring back. For some reason there is a stigma in my head about doing it. I know that’s wrong. I also think of my husband’s reaction.

Rainyday that does sound similar to my situation. I came off social media a few years ago, again to save aggravation. I know now I shouldn’t have done any of this as it means his behaviour works for him.

I too feel like the damage has been done and although at times our relationship can be great I know his personality will never change and things like this will always be an issue. I feel recently my feelings towards him have changed and it’s just me finding the courage to leave.

I am also trying to weigh up if the benefits of being free will outweigh the downsides eg having to be apart from my kids half the time.

[Whichway]

Hi Glitterbug, I am really sorry that you are going through this. For me your post is really comforting to me as my situation is very similar so thank you for posting. For me there is no physical abuse either but emotional. Most of the time it seems so ‘mild’ I feel unreasonable confronting it but when it gets in the way of normal life more and more I am fighting back and standing my ground more. This has resulted in me “being selfish, thinking of only myself and dismissing him and his feelings”. I am not sure if you feel the same way, but I feel like a really bad person although deep down I am sure I am not. I am certainly not perfect but I always try to do my best by everyone and to maintain a lovely little family. But I dont’ know how to do this any longer 🙁 x

[Kitkat44]

Thank you for being brave and posting. I’m new here and also think maybe the way my husband behaves is not really that bad but I am just so fed up, I know I try to keep my feelings hidden, last week I blurted our how unhappy I was and he got cross saying it’s too late for this, you’re probably just tired and hormonal.
We’ve been together (detail removed by moderator) years, he’s the only man I’ve lived with so I’ve no real experience to know. Last night one of my sons Was heavy handed with his brother and my husband yelled so loudly at him and called him a t**t. He is very aggressive and easily triggered by one of our children in particular then as I was trying to talk to the son who had hurt his brother he started shouting at me saying I was giving him (husband) dirty looks and he was well within his rights to me annoyed I tried to say I hate it. When they hurt each other too but he stormed off downstairs, started banging around then I had to stay with the (detail removed by moderator) youngest and help them settle as they were all upset again by his shouting and stripping. I fell asleep briefly in our daughter’s bed by which time he’d got the spare duvet and gone to sleep on the sofa.
I know I’m often grumpy and everyone has fallouts but he then barely spoke this morning unless I asked him a question took our (detail removed by moderator) boys to school and I heard nothing from him all day until I text him to see if he could take one of our boys to (detail removed by moderator). He came home talking to the children like nothing had happened, ate dinner and went off out again.
He came home about (detail removed by moderator) mins ago checked the children and is now downstairs on his computer.
We can’t communicate and I’m so worried about the affect on the children, they adore him no matter how shouty he is, they also get very upset by it but just want his love.
I don’t know how many outbursts I can cope with, then I worry I’m being unfair. I have shouted back at him and gone off in a huff but after a while and once calm I find a way to apology- I can’t remember the last time I heard an apology.
Sorry I’ve ranted on, how bad does it get before you really know it needs to end?
Kk

[diymum@1]

Someone getting angry like this and not holding back is very intimidating xx I had (detail removed by moderator) years off this and I’m now long out. I feel we do underplay it because we don’t want to rock the boat especially for the kids. We do anything for a normal peaceful life. The problem is it’s a lack off respect from your oh to be out off control like this all round. It teaches the kids it’s ok to lash out but that’s his influence definitely not your fault for staying which I felt and still feel at times xx if you can set your boundaries with him and he stops his behaviour fine xx if he tramples the boundaries it’s time to get advice about how you continue or not. I’d say after years things escalated ie he did become very intimidating and for me the long duration of time that passed and the frequency of his temper increased I felt physically ill- I felt trapped and more and more traumatically bonded to him so in the end I did feel powerless xx in the end he pushed the relationship so far I simply couldn’t go on with it and put him out of the house after (detail removed by moderator) years and (detail removed by moderator) kids xx it was the best thing I ever did xx not sure if this helps but that’s my take – you don’t have carry on for the sake of everyone else if your not happy you might regret not making the decision to end things xx

[Author]

Posts