Is it abuse and will he change

[Firsthope]

Sorry its quite long but firstly here are some things he has done:
Got moody
Told me he’s fed up of me because I couldn’t think of something for him to eat.
Told me he doesnt really like me, that im lucky to have him but hes not lucky to have me but that it was a joke
Told me I’m crazy
Hes texting his ex even though he told me he stopped talking to her
Hes punched the wall when my son made one little noise in his room
He play fights with me and slaps me in the place, held me down and slapped the back of my head over and over and didnt apologise when I got upset
Hes expects me to cook and clean for him and he not do anything
Said mean things to my son
Hes raised his fist to me when he got angry before then a while later acted like nothing happened. Then when I tried to talk to him about it he got defensive and accused me of bugging him at work but he always goes on at me at work if Ive made him feel down. Dont know how

Lately he has been making me feel like crying because of how he is but then he’ll say he’s chnging. He just needed time to adapt to my life because he doesnt have any family. That he is becoming calmer and he has started to help do odd little things around the house. And been nicer to my son doing things for him. Playing games with him
Just don’t whether to trust this?

[Lisa]

Hello Firsthope,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

I am sorry to read of the way your partner is behaving, you have described emotional and physical abuse from your partner. Unfortunately it is very unlikely he will change in the long term, the calm phase will be short lived. Do you feel on edge or as if you are walking on egg shells around him?

Do you have any support from family, friends or support groups? If you are able to then please try calling the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers will not tell you what to do but will listen to you and discuss options available based on your circumstances. They can also signpost you to other helpful organisations. If you would like to contact your local support group then you can find details here Your local group can offer ongoing emotional and practical support.

Please do keep posting, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Firsthope]

I do feel on edge most of the time that hes here. I have been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and there are bags under my eyes. Don’t know if its from thinking too much or whether it’s stress?
I’m scared I will end it with him and think what if I made the wrong decision. Or remember the good times but the bad ones outweigh the good so im struggling there

[Firsthope]

I seem distant and not like myself lately

[Serenity]

Hi First Hope,

What you describe is very much like my marriage wasin the early days, and continued to be over many years.

My husband never admitted fault. He ‘play fought’ me too, hurting me and making out I was over-sensitive. The final time, he gave me a bad back for days after apparently tapping my backside ( it was more like an almighty thump). He did things to put me on edge, and then blamed me for reacting.

Oh how I wish I hadn’t believed his lies that he was innocent and that I was exaggerating, or that I was at fault.

My ex was unkind to our son; he’d call me constantly at work but get annoyed if I called him ( I didn’t very often, as I respected the fact he was at work).

I wish I’d had the forum back then, and the awareness to consider that it wasn’t my fault. I’m so glad that you have realised it’s not right, and have reached out for support.

My ex didn’t change- only for the worse, gradually and cunningly so so didn’t even realise it, like the frog in the pan of water where the temperature is turned up so gradually that I didn’t even realise I was being boiled alive.

One ingredient that’s missing here is respect: he’s lacking in respect, that’s why he’s able to act in this way. And most often, people like him don’t ‘learn respect’ by us continuing to be giving and self-sacrificing.

Why do men abuse women and children? Often because of they feel entitled to take advantage of those whom they see as the weaker sex and as vulnerable and with less of a voice.

I would love to say that they learn by us standing up for ourselves, but unfortunately this seems to annoy them and they up the abuse even more to punish us. They don’t take responsibility or see their own faults, or rather they don’t wish to.

[Serenity]

PS : Abusers start being nice when they sense you are moving away from them, but abuse is typically a repetitive cycle, a game of endless push and pull, love-bombing followed by tension-building and abuse, rinse and repeat.

[Firsthope]

Thank you serenity for that interesting reply. I’m sorry to hear you went through that must have been awful also. He has been acting much nicer lately which had me questioning if he was slowly changing towards not being abusive. But I do doubt it will stay that way. I think maybe I should act like everythings fine and if nothig changes well then I know for definite. He had me having long conversations with him about how he treads on eggshells and I don’t do enough to make him feel wanted. I was very shocked by this as it is not true. Hes the one who makes me feel so down all the time and scared to open up to him. But since I have stsrtes to open like yesterday morning he just pulled his middle finger his up to me. Then he acted like nothing had been said,kissed me then went out “to his friends” and didnt come back til (detail removed by Moderator). The other night he also went out with his friend to pub. He text me around (detail removed by Moderator) but then didn’t reply to me so half hour later I rang him no answer and I didnt hear back from him for an hour and half.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi Firsthope, they love to keep you on edge and keep you guessing don’t they?!

Your ex seems an expert at Projection – taking the things he is doing and accusing you of doing them; taking the emotions you are feeling and saying you’re making him feel that way. It’s all part of their sick game to make you doubt yourself – a nice bit of crazymaking!

[Firsthope]

He has Eeyorenomore and makes out I’m the crazy one. He also says he knows hes been evil but he does tell me I’m pretty often. Yet, all the cruel he said as a joke makes me wonder if im good enough. Its like mind games. It’s so confusing! : (

[Firsthope]

I have just ended my relationship with my ‘abuser’. Things were starting to get bad again and tonight he talked to me like a piece of dirt over nothing. So I said I’m fed up of you talking to me like that and treating me like this . He said (removed by moderator). So I asked him to leave. Then he kept messaging me to say im twisting things and chucked him out again without talking about it. I said im done talking about it because you just don’t care. Blocked him and now hes gone for good! I feel so alive and free its amazing

[Nova]

FirstHope, as WA (who are experts in DA) the other ladies have described it’s emotional & physical abuse.
The horrible realisation of living with a n********t, and his mind bending ways. Ladies on here pointed me to coercive control, mirroring,trauma bonding…I’d never heard of these things & spent years trying to figure him out.
He told me he was depressed it was me, I was paranoid, tried to speak for me, & tell me & others what my opinions were on everything…all his controlling Manipulative lies, which makes us anxious stressed confused, full of self doubt, it wears away at health and self esteem/confidence.
The book Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft ( again suggested by one of the ladies) & Pat Craven The Dominator, I found her work years ago (removed by moderator). Helps to absorb our reality, & steps to freedom away from abuse.

Hugs
Cx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey FirstHope, well done!

Be prepared now for hoovering – he will be apologetic and tell you he’ll change because he loves you so much. If you can get through that you’ll get the hate campign.

Be strong and know that it’s typical abuser behaviour – No Contact all the way! 👍🏻

[lilaclady]

Well done Firsthope! Good call blocking him too. Stay strong.

I feel like my ex is currently hoovering a term I have never heard before! All the promises, nice texts, saying he will change etc. Anyone got more info about this and how to get through it? Yesterday it worked I was second guessing my decision to leave him. Today I read all my previous posts on here and all the stuff I wrote down about the things he has done and then strengthen my resolve. But hard when he’s sending all these texts etc. Is that hoovering?

[Firsthope]

Thank you. I haven’t had any ‘hoovering’ as such yet but if he does do this I’ll keep strong. I know he’ll never change. I read a quote I found on surviving abuse, I like it, it is *Abuse is not love*

[Firsthope]

So today I feel so low. Dont feel like eating oror going out although I have done those things in small amounts. He tried to tell me I’m delusional because it was only playing and that no other ex of his mentioned it like I did so he thinks its ok

[lover of no contact]

You will feel low. It is very hard to let go of any relationship and in an abusive one the good times are ‘fantastic’ usually. Take it One Day at a Time. You’re in for a roller-coaster of emotions..sadness, loneliness, emptiness etc to name but a few. This is all normal. The only way is to go through these feelings. They will pass if you accept them and post on here with us about them. We have all gone through it. It is like detoxing from a ‘drug’ addiction. It is very hard and painful emotionally but freedom from abuse is the reward. Please keep posting and reading the posts and ask for as much support as you need. But whatever you do…just don’t let him back into your life.

[Tinkerbell]

it sounds like abuse to me hun, all ups and then downs to catch you off balance, and make you feel like you are the one who has done something wrong. normal loving relationships are supportive and don’t bring you down they support you. yes you may have an argument but that will not leave you feeling bad or guilty about anything. I recently got out of an abusive relationship only to find that someone else thinks that they can do this to me too, with the silent treatment and ignoring and the lying by pretending to be someone else. thing is four years on and I am so much stronger and I have decided after a long time to go no contact because it is the only way to stop this stupidity. why people think that they can treat you like nothing and then you will be ok with them is beyond me, I also got a guilt trip this time too of a threat of non contact as well, grasping at straws is all it is because they know you figured them out for who they are and they showed their true colours, and it is like detoxing from a drug but you know the detox is painful, take time to distract yourself with things that take your mind off it, anything at all when you are feeling down, a bath, a drink , a film, anything. it will get better if you can stop this craziness xxxxxxxx and if you take time and take a step back you will see it for just that craziness xxxxx

[Tinkerbell]

it sounds like abuse to me hun, all ups and then downs to catch you off balance, and make you feel like you are the one who has done something wrong. normal loving relationships are supportive and don’t bring you down they support you. yes you may have an argument but that will not leave you feeling bad or guilty about anything. I recently got out of an abusive relationship only to find that someone else thinks that they can do this to me too, with the silent treatment and ignoring and the lying by pretending to be someone else. thing is four years on and I am so much stronger and I have decided after a long time to go no contact because it is the only way to stop this stupidity. why people think that they can treat you like nothing and then you will be ok with them is beyond me, I also got a guilt trip this time too of a threat of non contact as well, grasping at straws is all it is because they know you figured them out for who they are and they showed their true colours, and it is like detoxing from a drug but you know the detox is painful, take time to distract yourself with things that take your mind off it, anything at all when you are feeling down, a bath, a drink , a film, anything. it will get better if you can stop this craziness xxxxxxxx and if you take time and take a step back you will see it for just that craziness xxxxx

[Firsthope]

Thank you. I have been searching for new things to do to keep my mind off it and I have found some things which I used to do but he put me off doing them. I have no doubts I will not let him back in my life again. Can’t go through that again I deserve someone who will be nice and care for me. I remember him saying when we broke up that the things I ended it for where never brought up by his ex partners so he reckons he is ok! But before that he said why couldn’t I just talk to him about it like his other exs. Seems he is the one twisting words , not me, like he says. Goes to show he how vile he is. I’m glad to be rid. And I’ll keep coming back to this forum very helpful 🙂

[Firsthope]

I was doing fine then he found a way to text me and ask if im ok and that I should let him round to have sex! I told him it’s not a good idea as we are over for good and he started telling me that he told his that I’m crazy and tthat he’d probably wake up with me standing over him with a knife which is absolutely not true!!
I was annoyed by this and he said it was a joke that made his friends laugh.
Can’t put up with this anymore..why they do make it all our fault and that the reason we split with them is made to be a silly reason?

[Author]

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