Is it abuse?? Feeling confused.

[Whendoesitend]

Ok. I have been in a highly abusive relationship before.
I am in a relationship now where, he doesn’t hit me or anything physical. He doesn’t stop me from doing things or try to control where I go. But he does make me feel bad. Unwanted,unimportant,an option instead of a priority. He wasn’t there a lot when we lived together. Always off doing something else. He went away fordays and didn’t speak to me the whole time. And when I was rushed into hospital he went to the pub with his friends instead of being there for me. He doesn’t always speak to me very nicely. He covers it as it is sarcasm or “just a joke”. But they are things that upset me. I have told him this many times which has just been met with indifference from him. Like he doesn’t care that he has upset me.even if it has made me end up in tears.
to plead with him to spend more time with me and make more of an effort.
recently he has started saying things like “I only spoke to you badly then because you wound me up”.

He ran up a lot of debt so we had to give up our accommodation so that he could go home to pay off his debts.when we were in the process of leaving I asked him what he thought I was going to do/go. He replied by saying that there was “nothing he could do about that”. I had to sell all of my furniture as I had nowhere to store it all. And after moving all of my belongings out of the house he decided, a day later, that he wanted to stay there after All! I said no and that he should continue to clear his debts like he wanted to.

Since leaving the property he has taken me out a few times. And we saw each other as much as we could. One of the days I was supposed to go and see him and his kids but I was ill and couldn’t go. He did not like this and said I had let him and his kids down. And that he wanted to see me as much as possible as I was making him feel unloved and unwanted. He stated saying that I was putting no effort into the relationship etc. Basically all of the things I had been saying to him for years but he had taken no notice of.

I went out with friends for a meal and they very generously paid for me. I had offerd to pay for myself but they insisted. Then another friend of mine won some money and took her family and me out for a meal with her winnings. Again I offered to pay for myself but she too insisted.
He knew about this and said that I should have more pride. And that he thought I’d have more pride in myself than that and that he was embarrassed of me and that I only wanted to see friends when they had money. (Which is completely not true).

There has been a lot more instances than these but writing them all would take a long time and it’s all coming out in a bit of a jumble now as I write. I’m sorry for rambling. I’m just trying to get things down on paper so to speak.

He recently had his kids stay with him as their mother was ill in hospital. The children were very upset by the fact their mum was in hospital and he knew this. However he opted to go away for the weekend with friends and leave the children with his mother. I felt this was very wrong.
I have said after all of these things that I need a bit of space to think about things. He hasn’t given me it. The first few days he called repeatedly and text if I didn’t answer. I asked him to stop and he said he would. But has continued to text me and plaster all sorts of lovey dovey things on Facebook making him look like the doting boyfriend. Saying how he would be “lost without Me” and how much he loves me.
He has tried to get me to go away with him for a weekend on a mini break to talk about things. I said no as I think that since we had to leave our home for him to pay off his debts that he should be concentrating on that. Not spending money on unnecessary things. He has kept on and on about this mini break and I have continued to say no. He then got his friend to call me and tell me to go. Again I said no. Then he’s booked and paid for it anyway. And is now telling me not to let him waste his money by me not going.
He has called my friends to talk to them. And then he turned up at my workplace!! Telling me that if I truly loved him I would just give things another go.

Ugh my heads all over the place. Obviously there more to it than I have written. But I just needed to get it out! Am I reading too much into things??

[maddog]

What I am understanding is that he is using you. He is not taking responsibily for his financial mess. He is making you feel bad. He is making his children afraid. He is following you about. It is sonetimes hard to articulate but this us a man to avoid like the plague. He is doing the controlling, telling you how to be and how to behave.

[Whendoesitend]

He has also recently said that I should have “put my hand in my pocket” and pay some towards his debt as “when you’re in a relationship you should be there for each other and support each other”. Now baring in mind that his debt is money that he has run up buying things that he couldn’t afford. I had said to him that it was his debt and it was up to him to sort it out.
(detail removed by moderator)

[maddog]

No. His debt belongs to him. If you are married and he dies in debt, then the debt will belong to his wife. If you are not married, it belongs to him alone.

It is not your fault to suffer from anxiety. To blame you for this is like blaming you for a broken leg.
Please get in touch with WA and start making plans to move on.

Early on in my relationship with my husband I started getting smacks that he was abusive. I shoved them under the carpet. Please take heed and move on. It will get worse. I have never before taken anti anxiety drugs. Now I rattle.

[Whendoesitend]

Thankyou maddog for your replies. I too rattle due to anti anxiety drugs But I’ve been on them a long time.
I’m so torn between my heart and my head. I know how he’s treated me isn’t right but I do love him. He has promised me he will change and work on his attitude etc etc and part of me really hopes this is true. I have heard it from him before only for him to revert to his old ways after a short amount of time. But still part of me hopes that this time he means it. 🙁

However. Since moving out of our house I am not allowed at his mothers house. This is due to an incident where she came to my house and was shouting and swearing in my face. I asked her to leave. Since that she had demanded that I apologise for making her leave after she had spoken to me like that.
My partner said that she had only acted like that as I had provoked her. Again not true. But he blamed me for it for a good few months after and would not stick up for me. Anyway, my partners mother Spends a lot of time with my partners ex (the mother of his children) and regularly invites her and the children round to her house. Bbqs,birthdays,Christmas, after school etc etc. I have told my partner that this does make me feel uncomfortable. I have never said he can’t be there. Just that it makes me uncomfortable. Anyway in the last little while (whilst “trying to make it up to me” for his behaviours) he has had family birthdays and bbqs with her there. I told him again that this makes me uncomfortable and he replied with “well you’re the one who wanted some space so don’t think you can tell me what to do when you don’t want to see me”.
Now I would never and have never told him what he can and can’t do. Only told him when certain situations make me feel uncomfortable.

[maddog]

I loved my husband for a long time and forgave the unforgivable. My husband never alluded to changing. We went endlessly to marriage guidance and ultimately I told the therapist that I’d been to the police and been in touch with WA, and she still insisted on seeing us together! I was furious with her.

It does take time to untie the knots of a long relationship. The final straw for me was when my daughter assaulted me, then blamed me for her behaviour, then my husband screamed at me that it was all my fault and basically I provoked ‘everyone’.

Last year I reported an historic rape. Going through this in my head is not nice. However, the thoughts on repeat are how my husband showed his ‘affection’. Most people wouldn’t call it affection.

YOu will get there and bits will fall into place. WA are just fantastic and won’t judge you if you are not ready to leave. They will supply you with necessary support to help you articulate what is happening to you.

[Whendoesitend]

UPDATE!

So after asking for some space REPEATEDLY he still didn’t give it to me. Texts,phone calls, phone calls to my friends etc.
He messaged me to say that he was going to go and stay at a friends house so that he wouldn’t have to be around his ex at his mothers house.
I was out with friends for the day and he messaged again saying that I should know the answer to if I want to continue the relationship or not already as we have been together for so long and that he was in so much pain and suffering with me needing this space to think. And saying “please just give me an answer” and that he was struggling so much and that he’s learnt from his mistakes and he promised to do right by me Nd that me better etc etc. Then he ended his message by saying that if he didn’t hear from me that he would assume the worst.
I didn’t reply. I mean I had asked for space to think about things and he didn’t allow me to have that space. Plus I didn’t really know what to say to him anyway.
So, the following day he text me again and ended the relationship. He said couldnt carry on like this and that it breaks his heart to think that we are not together any more and that he couldn’t cope with all the pain and suffering. But that he loves me very much and that he hopes one day we will end up back together.
I felt slight relief that he had said it, and that I didn’t have to make that decision any more and then torment myself for a long time afterwards wondering if I’d done the right thing etc. Obviously upset too but strangely calm. No tears as of yet. Almost numb.
It was about an hour later I started gettin* missed calls from him and texts saying that he didn’t want to end the relationship but that I had “made it pretty clear” h not replying to his earlier message that that is what I wanted. Again telling me how much he loves me etc . I didn’t reply.
Then more messages saying he didn’t want to lose me and that he promises he will change and please please would I give it another go. Let’s start a fresh etc. THEN a message saying that he was not breaking up with me and that he couldn’t bring himself to see it through and that he could not let me go. And that what he was going to do was leave me to have my space and make up my own mind what I wanted to do. And that he would be waiting for me.
During all of these there were a lot of missed calls to me and also my friends phone. Again I didn’t reply.
Then the next morning more messages of promises etc. I told him no. That he had said that it was over and that he shouldn’t have said something like that if he didn’t mean it. He called me again and started on again with the promises and that he had made a mistake by saying that it was over. But that it didn’t seem a big problem to me and that I “wasn’t bothered or upset” and that I’m “living the life of Reilly”. I responded to this by telling him not to EVER say I’m not bothered. And that he doesn’t get to say that after him not seeming bothered at all for so long! Again more phone calls and texts.i asked him why he suddenly seems bothered now,when during the relationship my feelings were repeatedly disregarded. He said that he hadn’t realised how much he loved me or how much it would affect him until now!! 😱
He then proceeded to suggest “going on a break” rather than completely splitting up. I told him that it was unfair of him to keep changing his mind all the time and that I didn’t like it and wasn’t prepared to put up with it any more. More phone calls and texts throughout the day. He also added all of the people who added me on facebook over the weekend which I thought was odd. Then he turned up at my workplace demanding that I made a decision!! That he needed to know where he stood and that he wanted to know where he stood?!?!
Again I repeated to him that he had already made a decision. He stayed and talked in circles for an hour! I left feeling really sad and unsettled by this. But he has agreed it’s over and said he won’t bother me any more. I felt awful. He was visibly upset. He then went on to say that if I was ever ill to please let him know and he wo7ld be straight there. I was gobsmacked by this as when I had the suspected heart attack he was at the pub with his friends!! He said some really nice things and it unnerved me slightly.
Sorry for the rant again. Just needed to get it all out.
Really unsure how I feel at the moment. Strangely calm. With pangs of sadness.

[Author]

Posts