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    • #165289
      Cloudy
      Participant

      It’s taken me a long time to realise what I’ve been experiencing might be abuse. I’m starting to get to grips with it now, after reaching out to a friend and discovering this site last week. Still now though, I’m questioning if what I’ve been experiencing is abuse? I sent this list to my friend…
      – more minor physical stuff of (detail removed by Moderator).
      – minor stuff on occasion done whilst other people were in the house.
      – kicked me in the legs badly on (detail removed by Moderator) occasions so they bruised.
      – punched me in the (detail removed by Moderator) hard one time. Next few days, I struggled to crouch down.
      – for a period, he would hit me (detail removed by Moderator) hard. Said (detail removed by Moderator). A couple of times, I remember this leaving my ears ringing.
      – I remember on a couple of occasions asking him to stop as he was hurting me, but he carried on.
      – (detail removed by Moderator).
      – many times has pinned me against the wall or bed shouting or speaking aggressively to me.
      – pinched me on (detail removed by Moderator) and left me with bruises, so unable to wear (detail removed by Moderator) for days.
      – not allowed me to sleep many nights, turning lights on and pulling covers off me into the early hours. A few times this left me going to work with 2-3 hours sleep.
      – forced me to call in sick to work on multiple occasions.
      – made me feel guilty for so much. Ended up with me stopping seeing family/friends, stopping my hobbies.
      – many times has tipped food upside down on the table or thrown it away in some way right after I’ve finished cooking as it wasn’t good enough.
      – told me I’m emotionally abusive and manipulative, that I made him want to kill himself.
      – started arguing with me in public places, or when friends are around.
      – ripped some of my favourite clothes up.
      – thrown things at me.
      – punched and broken a (detail removed by Moderator). Threatened on many times to smash up everything expensive in the house.
      – one time made many threats of smashing things up if I didn’t ask family for money to (detail removed by Moderator).
      – I think the worst thing of all is the guilt he’s made me feel for everything that’s happened to him. It’s my fault he hasn’t had a job for the last few years, my fault when we’ve struggled for money, my fault that his mental health has deteriorated.

      Sorry this is such a long post. What I’m confused about is that for the a little while now, he’s been back to how he used to be. He’s also been so upset (I told him I was going to leave), but whenever he is upset, I just feel so emotionless or even sometimes angry. I feel like a shell. I don’t know whether to believe this is how he is now, but how can I trust he won’t return to how he treated me for so long?

    • #165299
      Butterfly-A
      Participant

      Hi Cloudy,

      Firstly, this definitely sounds like abuse.

      Even without the physical abuse you have described, the way he deals with his anger in a controlling manner and the guilt tripping is also abuse.

      Unfortunately, abuse is very often inconsistent, and perpetuators can often see when things are getting too much and they might back down a bit, it doesn’t mean they have changed. I think sometimes it helpful to ask yourself- what would have made him change?
      has he recently achieved something?
      is he in a better place or getting help for his mental health / anger problems?
      Without making assumptions, I guess any of the above happening is maybe unlikely?

      You mentioned he stopped you seeing friends / family, this is coercive control.

      Any relationship where you do not feel you can express yourself / feel you have to change who you are to be around them / walking on eggshells / fear – this is all abuse!

      I know it’s hard to see, I know it’s hard to accept. But you have already done the first step, it takes courage to write all this down and to post on here. but it also shows strength and shows you are ready for some help.

      Im sorry for what you are going through

      keep posting

      people are here xx

      • #165328
        Cloudy
        Participant

        Thank you Butterfly-A!

        I feel like I’ve had a bit of an epiphany the past couple weeks, after years of pretending it’s not actually happening to me, and shrinking more and more into myself. It’s a relief (although extremely scary) to put it all down in words and finally feel like I aren’t alone, I do have support around me.

        I guess next steps are continuing to come to terms with it and figuring out how to actually leave. It’s just so daunting, but I don’t want to live my life being controlled for any longer!

        Thank you again xx

    • #165333
      Allornothing
      Participant

      Hi Cloudy,

      I feel now your eyes are starting to open to what is happening, this will be the start of your journey. For me, it took a very long time to the point I didn’t care anymore, even when I left he kept trying and at first I fell for his crocodile tears and tried to support him as a friend. But getting time on my own, lead me to start reflecting back over years and remembering instances that for some reason I had buried somewhere and forgotten. Then his behaviour started to crack and I could see him for exactly what he was.

      I wish you all the best, be careful and find as much support as you can. I started with forums and finding emergency contact numbers. There is support out there, sometimes it just takes some digging but once you find one place they will then have other organisations that they can put you in touch with. Xx

    • #165343
      StrongLife
      Participant

      Hi there,

      This is indeed abuse and domestic violence. Glad you found forum here.

      Please seek help from local domestic violence counsellor. They are good.

      Fault is something the guys do to blame women. It’s not your fault at all. It’s difficult to believe at first. Fault is difficult to get through.

      Consider moving away with kids.

    • #165370
      Cloudy
      Participant

      Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s so kind of you to take the time.

      It’s good to know I’m not alone, I have now reached out to my local DA centre and awaiting there reply, I hope it helps me with next steps.

      Thank you and take care x*x

    • #165377
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It took me a long time to admit my exs behavior was abuse.what was so clear to everyone around me wasn’t to me .I thought others were making more out of it than necessary.
      What I would say is his behavior has caused you to think it’s abuse as you wouldn’t of found this site.
      I hope you find the help you are looking for.

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