Is it abuse? Has he actually changed?

[Cloudy]

It’s taken me a long time to realise what I’ve been experiencing might be abuse. I’m starting to get to grips with it now, after reaching out to a friend and discovering this site last week. Still now though, I’m questioning if what I’ve been experiencing is abuse? I sent this list to my friend…
– more minor physical stuff of (detail removed by Moderator).
– minor stuff on occasion done whilst other people were in the house.
– kicked me in the legs badly on (detail removed by Moderator) occasions so they bruised.
– punched me in the (detail removed by Moderator) hard one time. Next few days, I struggled to crouch down.
– for a period, he would hit me (detail removed by Moderator) hard. Said (detail removed by Moderator). A couple of times, I remember this leaving my ears ringing.
– I remember on a couple of occasions asking him to stop as he was hurting me, but he carried on.
– (detail removed by Moderator).
– many times has pinned me against the wall or bed shouting or speaking aggressively to me.
– pinched me on (detail removed by Moderator) and left me with bruises, so unable to wear (detail removed by Moderator) for days.
– not allowed me to sleep many nights, turning lights on and pulling covers off me into the early hours. A few times this left me going to work with 2-3 hours sleep.
– forced me to call in sick to work on multiple occasions.
– made me feel guilty for so much. Ended up with me stopping seeing family/friends, stopping my hobbies.
– many times has tipped food upside down on the table or thrown it away in some way right after I’ve finished cooking as it wasn’t good enough.
– told me I’m emotionally abusive and manipulative, that I made him want to kill himself.
– started arguing with me in public places, or when friends are around.
– ripped some of my favourite clothes up.
– thrown things at me.
– punched and broken a (detail removed by Moderator). Threatened on many times to smash up everything expensive in the house.
– one time made many threats of smashing things up if I didn’t ask family for money to (detail removed by Moderator).
– I think the worst thing of all is the guilt he’s made me feel for everything that’s happened to him. It’s my fault he hasn’t had a job for the last few years, my fault when we’ve struggled for money, my fault that his mental health has deteriorated.

Sorry this is such a long post. What I’m confused about is that for the a little while now, he’s been back to how he used to be. He’s also been so upset (I told him I was going to leave), but whenever he is upset, I just feel so emotionless or even sometimes angry. I feel like a shell. I don’t know whether to believe this is how he is now, but how can I trust he won’t return to how he treated me for so long?

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Cloudy,

Firstly, this definitely sounds like abuse.

Even without the physical abuse you have described, the way he deals with his anger in a controlling manner and the guilt tripping is also abuse.

Unfortunately, abuse is very often inconsistent, and perpetuators can often see when things are getting too much and they might back down a bit, it doesn’t mean they have changed. I think sometimes it helpful to ask yourself- what would have made him change?
has he recently achieved something?
is he in a better place or getting help for his mental health / anger problems?
Without making assumptions, I guess any of the above happening is maybe unlikely?

You mentioned he stopped you seeing friends / family, this is coercive control.

Any relationship where you do not feel you can express yourself / feel you have to change who you are to be around them / walking on eggshells / fear – this is all abuse!

I know it’s hard to see, I know it’s hard to accept. But you have already done the first step, it takes courage to write all this down and to post on here. but it also shows strength and shows you are ready for some help.

Im sorry for what you are going through

keep posting

people are here xx

[Cloudy]

Thank you Butterfly-A!

I feel like I’ve had a bit of an epiphany the past couple weeks, after years of pretending it’s not actually happening to me, and shrinking more and more into myself. It’s a relief (although extremely scary) to put it all down in words and finally feel like I aren’t alone, I do have support around me.

I guess next steps are continuing to come to terms with it and figuring out how to actually leave. It’s just so daunting, but I don’t want to live my life being controlled for any longer!

Thank you again xx

[Allornothing]

Hi Cloudy,

I feel now your eyes are starting to open to what is happening, this will be the start of your journey. For me, it took a very long time to the point I didn’t care anymore, even when I left he kept trying and at first I fell for his crocodile tears and tried to support him as a friend. But getting time on my own, lead me to start reflecting back over years and remembering instances that for some reason I had buried somewhere and forgotten. Then his behaviour started to crack and I could see him for exactly what he was.

I wish you all the best, be careful and find as much support as you can. I started with forums and finding emergency contact numbers. There is support out there, sometimes it just takes some digging but once you find one place they will then have other organisations that they can put you in touch with. Xx

[StrongLife]

Hi there,

This is indeed abuse and domestic violence. Glad you found forum here.

Please seek help from local domestic violence counsellor. They are good.

Fault is something the guys do to blame women. It’s not your fault at all. It’s difficult to believe at first. Fault is difficult to get through.

Consider moving away with kids.

[Cloudy]

Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s so kind of you to take the time.

It’s good to know I’m not alone, I have now reached out to my local DA centre and awaiting there reply, I hope it helps me with next steps.

Thank you and take care x*x

[Anonymous]

It took me a long time to admit my exs behavior was abuse.what was so clear to everyone around me wasn’t to me .I thought others were making more out of it than necessary.
What I would say is his behavior has caused you to think it’s abuse as you wouldn’t of found this site.
I hope you find the help you are looking for.

[Cloudy]

I wanted to post here again, just re-reading to remind myself of everything that has happened.

It’s been a weird couple of months, as he is still being fairly ‘nice’, which is so confusing. He hasn’t been physical with me for a long time now, and it makes me wonder if he genuinely has changed. I am also seeing my family and friends a lot more now and have started back with some of my hobbies, although he does make under-handed comments and digs about this sometimes.

He does still keep bringing everything up – ‘am I a good person?’, ‘remember both of us made mistakes’, ‘you need to put more effort in now’, ‘you need to be more grateful for me’.

He also keeps saying how I need to put his career first now, as mine has taken the forefront the past few years.. he hasn’t been working for a few years and I am grateful to be doing very well in my career, and he wants to take credit for this (as he has pushed me to make more money). I am also travelling for work soon, he hates me being away.

I still keep second-guessing if I’ve made too much of a big deal out of everything (I’m now in touch with my local DA service and have a safety app on my phone). If he has actually changed, do I still have the right to want to leave? I don’t know why I struggle so much with this – the guilt. I wish I had the courage to tell him properly that I think he’s been abusive, I just feel I’m playing a role at the moment and pretending all the time, it’s exhausting.

[tiredofitall]

I reached this point in my marriage where I wasn’t sure because it wasn’t physically as bad as it used to be. I also had the same messages about me changing and putting more effort in and also the same with work. In fact, I applied myself so much at work in order to earn more money to keep us afloat as he couldn’t keep a job, that work became my haven and safe place and in the end, opened my eyes up the reality that I wasn’t who he told me I was. I was more me when I was anywhere other than at home, if that makes sense.
Once I saw that and realised that I could support us without him (in fact we are better off because he isn’t wasting every penny) and I knew I didnt want to live that life any longer, it was only a matter of time.
I suspect you’ll get there too. I didn’t trust him. What is left after that? I got myself comfortable with the fact that the only justification that I needed was that I wasn’t happy. Lots of people end marriages for that reason. Whether I was unhappy because of how he treated me, whether you call that abuse or not – it didnt matter, in the end I knew what it was and I could end it, knowing that he would never agree with me. I was tired and miserable and he was never going to change and even if he did, I knew I could never trust that it would last forever and I would always, for the rest of my life, be walking on eggshells. And I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Sending you strength and hugs x

[Cloudy]

Your message has really just hit me – you’re so right that many people leave simply because they are unhappy. I know that people who’ve been mistreated in a relationship find it much harder to leave, but I don’t know why we need any more validation than just being unhappy?

I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, it sounds very similar to my experience, but I am so happy to hear you were able to leave and everything has been better for you on the other side. Thank you for sharing this, it’s very inspiring that I could do the same.

You’re so right about the feeling of walking on eggshells constantly, it’s how I feel even when he’s being nice, just in case I say or do the wrong thing.. that’s no way to live!

Thank you x

[nbumblebee]

This is me I couldve written this. I almost left even told him I was going i was determined but he changed hes stopped the comments the nastyness etc its all ok. But theres this feeling this dread in my stomach nothing feels right it feels strained forced its like he wants to blow but he knows he cant. I told him this but he says i now need to work on myself as he feels better now its my fault. Is it?
I just dont know.
I dont think I will ever accpet it as abise ever but am I happy in my marriage? No.
Do I love him? Yes but is that enough? No.
Why do we need to accept it as abuse to be able to leave?
If we are not happy then isnt it ok to just leave?? Its a question i ask myself daily im just not brave enough to step out.
Keep talking sweetie and keep your eyes open. Be safe xxxx

[Cloudy]

I feel like we’re definitely going through a very similar experience right now, although it’s something I’ve been seriously struggling with too, it’s definitely not your fault! Nothing justifies someone treating us in such a way (I wish I had the guts to actually take this statement forward and leave).

I hope for both of us that we can continue on this journey and eventually do what we know is right, because above all else, we need to make ourselves happy. We only have one life, and we are the only ones in control of it, we should live it the way we choose to.

Thank you and take care x*x

[Author]

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