Is it abuse if they are not angry

[Sallysally]

My boyfriend is rough & clumsy anyway
He tends to grab my wrists, arms & legs & a couple of times squeezed my neck, then says why carnt I take a joke?
He knows I was abused by my ex husband for more tha (detail removed by moderator)?
I ask him not to because it hurts
I currently have multiple small bruises up my (detail removed by moderator) where he grabbed me & squeezed hard,
When people see he makes a joke & says she is in a mood again or socially distancing?
He has actually said sorry when he saw how deep the bruising is (detail removed by moderator)
I am helping my daughter move away from her abusive (detail removed by moderator) & he says tell her i walked into the wardrobe?
He is not angry when he does it?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum, Sounds very like abusive behaviour. They cover it up by saying you’re the one at fault, shifting what they are doing onto you. You’ve told him it hurts, he sees the bruises and yet he wants you to tell your daughter a lie, changing your reality into his, he’s getting his side of the story in with people you meet, this is called gaslighting. Just because he isn’t angry or aggressive means he knows what he’s doing, he’s learned by listening to you how your ex treated you,so just because he’s not doing it the same way, you doubt he’s being abusive. Thing is he’ll not see it as being abusive either because he’s not being aggressive the way your ex was. Many abusers excuse their own behaviour when compared to another’s abuse, because it’s not the same,therefore it’s not abuse. Think of the man who beats his wife,yet never leaves a mark on her face. To him he’s not abusive,but a man who leave marks on his partners face would be.
You’re aware what he’s doing is wrong, he’s doing his best to tell you it’s not. Your instincts are not wrong. If possible let him go, if you’re afraid to break it off, it’s definitely abusive and I’d advise contacting wa fir more advice on how to get out of this relationship. My husband treated me the same, said he was trying to toughen me up, he was only play fighting,I was too sensitive,I bruised too easily, I couldn’t take a joke. Everything designed to make you doubt your instincts.
I was with him for over 2decades,nearer 3. You’ve been there too, your body knows,it jyst takes time for our brain to catch up. Look up cognitive dissonance, I’ve been reading a lot of it on here again, it’s finally sank in exactly what it means. Eg he loves me, he hurts me, your brain knows they are the total opposite of each other and tries to make them fit, so you make allowances, lessen your boundaries,but still they don’t fit and still you try to make them.
He’s not good enough for you, but only you can decide that, no one else.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Sallysally]

Many thanks
I have a lot to learn about healthy relationships
He makes me feel too ashamed to reach out and tell my daughters or work collegues

[Iwantmeback]

Of course he does, but it’s his shame not yours, once it’s hit by light it’s no longer a dark secret. I’m wondering do you both live together? Are you afraid to tell him is over? Coercive control laws came into power in 2015, it can carry a jail sentence of up to 5 years depending on the severity. Try your local WA centre for some advice.
Keep posting,whether you want it to end or not, we’ll be beside you every step of the way.
Be safe IWMB💞💞

[Sallysally]

Thankyou x
Yes unfortunately at the moment I am still there?
He took advantage of the depression I went through after leaving my husband, I mistook it for kindness
He pushed me around a few times, & i was so low i didnt care
When he scares me i scream & he says i am mentally disturbed from my marriage & he will look after me 😓
I think he is more clever than my husband
He can be very nasty & swears at me if I dont clean the house how he wants, then he acts like it was me who made him do it?
I am planning how to leave when I am able
Thankyou for your support x

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