29th March 2021 at 11:41 am #123946
I have been married a long time, I have been uncomfortable with some of my husbands behaviour for years but because we have children together I have always tried to see past the bads, the negatives don’t happen as much as the positives.
One negative that has been consistent is the sexual comments that I have become increasingly uncomfortable with over the years, these happen on multiple times a day (sometimes previously I have found humour in the comments therfore have I encouraged) not all the times but on odd accessions he will touch me without consent like when I am asleep, or his words “just being playful- grabs between my legs or my boobs. Sometimes he also will forcefully push me onto the bed even if I say no multiple times.
He also Sometimes (not often) will push himself into me and accuse me of touching him and trying to turn him on.
There have also been times where he has been insecure or guilt trip me into having sex with him (as that’s the only thing that will make him feel better and closer to me)
He also has in the past invaded my privacy when I am naked bathing ot showering, not all the time but in the past he has done it more so, he sits on the bathroom floor (I have told him I am uncomfortable and I would like privacy)
He is very insecure (which is my fault as when we were going through a rough patch yrs ago I did have an affair) there was a time where he would constantly look through my phone (I have changed my phone locks and said I am no longer comfortable with it as he needs to trust me) I am not allowed to talk to men, if I go out he will say things like “don’t talk to any men”. He’s always saying I am going to leave him, trade him in for someone better, he is very very insecure, he will do things like spray my clothes with his cologne so I smell like him to keep other men away or even wear my clothes first thing in the morning to scent mark them. (Again this isn’t ALL the time) he had said things before like you are mine.
On a day to day basis he spends no time with the children, they appear like an inconvenience to him other then one of the boys who is his favorite (he will spend maybe an hour a week with him) the other children days go past with no interaction with them, other then him nagging or shouting at then, teasing them about things he knows he gets a negative reaction to (and he wonders why they don’t want to spend any time with him) when he is at home with the children he will spend time in another room on his phone. On accessions if I have been out and it has passed lunch time he will get himself food but not the kids.
He can be very lazy around the house (sometimes) but say if someone was to pop over etc he would get up and act like he does it all.
I get very easily overwhelmed with how much I have to do and he knows this but he will say its lived in.
At times he will try to over feed me, to make me put on weight (altho he wont admit that) then he will take food away from me or nag at me for eating. He will say things like why don’t you go out and exercise but then he will say things like I don’t want you to go out and leave me.
At times he will also disregard my feelings so for example if I have a temperature, he will feel my head and be like you feel fine.
A lot of time I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders I suffer with Mental health issues and I don’t know if its just be being overly sensitive.
I must stress some of this isn’t all of the time, there are also lots and of positives and he says he loves me but it’s almost like his actions are so different to his words. I have tried to address a lot of the things I have issues with by talking to him buy he seems to have a excuse for his behaviour or blames others.
I do love him and care for him, I am very dependant on him.
Am I making something out of nothing?
Thank you for reading
29th March 2021 at 12:10 pm #123948DarcyParticipant
Hi my beautiful Angel …Onemorelight.1
I think what I took from reading your post is how many times you make excuses for your husband… things like ”its not all the time” It doesn’t have to be all the time for it to be inappropriate behaviour … once is enough.
If you are not comfortable with anything that he is doing, sexual or otherwise you have the right to tell him, and if he is not listening to you and respecting you he has crossed a line.
The other thing that I get from reading your post is that whether you label this abuse or not, which I think deep down you know the answer to, this is not a healthy, loving balanced relationship. Clearly you both have things that have not been worked through to do with your affair, together and on your own. Also if you don’t want to label what he is doing to you as abuse it certainly is to your children and for this reason it needs addressing.
The very action of you posting on this forum suggests you know there needs to be change and there are red flags. So this is your first step in addressing it.
This is not how you or your children should be living.
I would suggest looking into what your options are for leaving and speaking to women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline, also do some research online if you can as well … You all deserve a better life than this.
If your boundaries are not being respected it is time to leave.
Sending you love and support
29th March 2021 at 12:26 pm #123953
Thank you so much for your reply, I know I do make a lot of excuses for his behaviour. Up until last year I considered it all normal, until 2 mental health professionals pointed it out it wasn’t and I needed to speak help, I ponder on it but for such a long time he is all I have known, I know I do have deep routed attachment issues. Even though I can see every single thing in front of my eyes the ‘nobody is perfect’ ‘ marriage is something you always need to work on’ ‘causing unnecessary trauma to the children by going through a divorce’ holds me back. I tried to leave a few yrs ago and he told the children that it was all my fault and he wouldn’t be able to see them again as he would go back to his old job not in this country. He changed for a short period of time like always after I have “nagged” at him then switched back.
I will look into the options you mentioned. Thank you so much xx
29th March 2021 at 1:00 pm #123954NeueranfangParticipant
I definitely believe it is abuse and you are not overreacting.I made excuses for my now Ex partner for over (detail removed by Moderator) and held on to what was normal to me but far from normal.Unfortunately things got very nasty in the end and social services got involved and basically told me I have to leave him for the well being of our children.It has been (detail removed by Moderator) now and the kids are fine.Things are a lot calmer at home.However the stress he is causing me is still unbearable.He isn’t accepting that I left him and he is trying to lure me back in by sending hundreds of emails.(I had to block him on everything)I was also holding on to the positive sides but unfortunately the negative got too overpowering.And to be honest I started disliking him.How can I be with a person that I don’t even like.My Ex did similar things to yours.He would make me eat take aways late at night and when I stopped that bad habit, he would comment and say things like ‘who do you want to lose weight for or we always used to enjoy food together’ (he is very slim) and he would pick on me for exercising but at the same time tell me I should walk more and that I’m lazy going in the car everywhere.Very confusing.It doesn’t sound like your husband is heavily involved with your kids.Why are you scared they would suffer under the divorce?Plus he might only say he won’t see them as another way of controlling and manipulating you x*x
29th March 2021 at 2:27 pm #123959MeAgainParticipant
What you describing sounds abusive. The thing is with abuse is that quite often its not all the time – if it was it would be easier to leave.
My husband could be lovely when he chose to be – kind caring and supportive.
But he could also be an absolute pig hurtful and violent and just mean to me.
Mine would buy me chocolate when I was on a diet but then also call me fat and lazy.
You have taken a brave step coming on this forum and I would recommend calling womens aid and just having a chat and finding out your options.
Sending hugs x*x
29th March 2021 at 4:01 pm #123965
Thank you so so much i really appreciate your replies xx
29th March 2021 at 6:02 pm #123971ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi there, I agree with the others and just want to add that none of it is your fault. Him blaming others is typical of abusers. You having an had affair doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to violate your privacy. He chose to stay in the relationship and has chosen to be abusive.
I think you really hit the nail on the head saying his actions don’t match his words. He may genuinely feel like he loves you, but it’s not the healthy love of a relationship based on mutual appreciation and respect. As an abuser, his idea of love is probably more one of need and possession.
You are absolutely not making something out of nothing. It sounds like he has a wide repertoire of ways to control, manipulate and devalue you. You deserve so much better.
Sending love xxxx
29th March 2021 at 7:30 pm #123975BettertimesaheadParticipant
Your husband sounds very similar to mine, particularly with regards to the sexual behaviour and invasion of privacy. I also had the added bonus of him being armed with a camera. It used to to make me very unhappy but like you I used to make excuses. Fortunately for me things came to.a head due to his drinking and he was removed. It’s been traumatic but I have no regrets. He continues to make excuses , but not in anyway accepting blame. Never any remorse. I now realise how bad things were but it’s hard to accept when you are in the situation still. I am still in limbo with lots of areas but I know that eventually everything will be ok and it will for you.
30th March 2021 at 1:12 pm #124015RosemaryParticipant
So sorry what your going thought I’ve been thought
Some things are the same as you when my partner goes around abuseing me or makes me feel that I have to force my self do things with him which makes me feel uncomfortable even touching me in a jokeing way which is never acceptable at all . If two people love each other you have to agree with it
Not just one sided because it’s not right it does come under abuse and also abusing you he should have repect for your body . If your partner loves you there be no way he would be doing the things his doing to you his feeling insecure because you had an affair but it still dont give the rights for the things his doing . If he keeps on abusing you it’s not right I would talk to women aid get to help. When you have a shower you should have privacy your partner dont need to be there with you. My partner goes around thinking he can just go around touching my boobs when he wants he thinks my body is a joke it’s not right and no man should
Treat a lady in this way . I am geting support from my counsellor and women aid because this cant carry on it makes me feel dead in side even thoe I’ve been with my parnter for years and I’ve only
Stayed with him he still feels insecure and I
Dont understand why his going around thinking it’s okay to touch my boobs and touch me in other
Place I feel my body is a joke he expect me to laugh every time his doing this it gets me down.
Please dont suffer please reach out to people who can help you because it’s just not healthy physically and mentally for you what your partner is doing to you . It’s not fair for your children to suffer as well . We may think we get use to our partners the way we live with them over the years we get to realise what they are doing which is not normal in a relationship. I new what my partner is doing ain’t right and I reach out for help it had taken me years to do that but it makes me happy that I can talk out to people that understands my situation. I hope you can get help like me your not alone
Sending all my love
4th April 2021 at 4:42 pm #124282CamelParticipant
You are not over reacting. You are suffering appalling abuse from a man you say you love.
You say “because we have children together I have always tried to see past the bads, the negatives don’t happen as much as the positives.”
Can you describe the positives?
Do you think that your children will be harmed more if you stay or more if you go?
Sorry if this sounds harsh or too direct. x
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