Is it abuse or is it just me?

[Girl01]

So I got told (detail removed by Moderator) that my husband is mentally abusing me and that he is controlling me. I reached out to a helpline and without me saying much at all they confirmed it was intact abuse and he has manipulating me for a long time. He has stopped me using (detail removed by Moderator) as he didn’t like all the attention I got and he’s also getting very jealous. The past (detail removed by Moderator) days he has been so lovely so I’m thinking I’ve got it all wrong and it’s just me overthinking. I rarely leave the house, mu anxiety is so so bad, I’m always on edge and he’s told me he will help me to get better and get back to me again. I’m so confused I just don’t know what to think. He is telling all our family that my anxiety and depression is so bad that I need help and need people to be there for me. My head is boggled! Xx

[maddog]

YOu’re not overthinking, and your anxiety is a very normal response to abuse. It’s a good idea to start with your GP. Tell them what’s going on at home and how afraid you’re feeling.

He’s projecting his problems onto you and doing his level best to make you feel responsible. We end up in a situation of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

There’s lots of real life support out there. It’s quite a minefield finding what you need. You can access local support through 101 asking for the Domestic Abuse team. You will probably also have a local Women’s Aid near you.

You’ve done really well to post here.

None of this is your fault. Bit by bit, you’ll learn as you chip away.

It’s such a horrible and frightening time when we first realise that we’re being abused. Baby steps. You’ll get there. Keep posting.

[Girl01]

@maddog Thank you so much he’s been really nice this past few days which is making me think its all in my head but I don’t dare contact my local one as id have to speak on the phone which scares me. He also doesn’t listen when I say I don
t want sex etc he just carries on. I have two toddlers so I’m finding it even harder to deal with as I don’t want to break our family up. He is a great dad. I just I dunno I don’t think I would be strong enough to leave and be on my own. Its so hard but my mental health is jot good x

[nbumblebee]

For now maybe do some research read posts on here safely look on the internt google the cycle of abuse read as much as you can arm yourself with knowledge an amazing lady on here always says knowledge is power.
Its hard to learn even harder to accept take your time be kind to yourself and know when you are ready there is help out there for you. But take it one day at a time one step at a time.
Keep yourself safe set up another email account but dont save it log in fresh each time you can then start emailing for help. Remember to delete your search history too. Little things we do to keep ourselves safe.
Keep posting we are all here walking beside you xxxx

[Girl01]

@nbumblebee Thank you so much for your reply. It’s juat not sinking in at all and I’m juat feeling so lonely. I just don’t know what to so as I don’t dare leave but being on here is helping me to feel less alone x*x

[Scarecrow]

Hi Girl01,
When you get a moment, google the cycle of abuse – it may even be on the Women’s aid page.
In short it shows the whole cycle of abuse, from the building of tension, the incident (maybe an argument, verbal or physical abuse), to the reconciliation and then the calm.
When I was with my ex I lived for the period of calm – it was when i felt that finally everything would be ok. But in the back of my head i knew that it could not last, which put me on edge. Living in this cycle is awful but it is worth educating yourself on all aspects of domestic abuse.

As for the not taking no for an answer with sex – sweetheart, that is rape – there is no two ways around it. If you say no and he carries on then he has raped you. It is REALLY hard to accept that when someone else tells you – but deep down it might be the confirmation that you needed.

Please stay safe, keep posting on here and feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Hugs,

Scarecrow xx

[maddog]

The reality of abuse takes a while to sink in. It’s a cycle. Round and round it goes, the good bits, then it gets worse and worse, then it’s ok again.

At the beginning it seems like a massive step to speak on the phone to someone and it feels as though we’re making mountains out of molehills.

I too thought my ex was an ok dad. On reflection, how wrong I was. All he knew was conflict and contempt.

It’s also so hard to accept a sex life as a series of being raped and sexually assaulted. Being treated more like a sex toy than a human being. How we normalise it! It’s not ok. Rape myths abound and we get so tied up in them. Rape within marriage is so common and because we’re not being held at knife point and dragged by our hair under a bush by a stranger, we think it’s ok as we’re with someone we’re supposed to love and trust. Abusers don’t love. It’s not part of their make up.

When you’re ready, it’s really worth speaking to playgroup/school teachers about life at home. This shouldn’t be your dirty little secret. This isn’t your behaviour, it’s his, and it won’t change. As the children grow up his behaviour will get worse.

It’s really important to keep a diary of some sort or another, and take note of the children’s behaviour. It may help to get a cheap burner phone.

I understand that all this probably sounds really dramatic from where you are at the moment. Baby steps. You’ve done so well to start posting here.

[Girl01]

@maddog thank you so much, I’m a full time mum they are not at nursery as we cannot afford it so I’m constantly drained and do not feel myself at all. I spoke to him yet again about sex and he laughed at me whilst being sarcastic saying (detail removed by moderator) whilst cuddling me. Your right I do feel like a sex toy. He does not cuddle or just kiss me and I miss it and when he does I just want to get away as fast as I can. He tells me all the time he loves me and would do anything for me and says he means it. I am just so so confused and have no idea what to do. I spoke to my mum who said all marriages have ups and downs and you just have to work through it. She also said that that it’s easier to be in a marriage than be a single mum. They all love him to pieces which doesn’t help why I try and talk to them as they just think I’m being stupid. But yeah I keep doubting myself thinking is this all me am I not thinking right. We never go on date nights and he never surprises me either that all stopped years ago its like we are just friends. My babies love their dad so much and it’s all just getting too much as I feel so incredibly lonely but have the happiest babies despite everything. The worst thing too is he had sex with me whilst my son (detail removed by moderator) and I couldn’t believe it, I told him to get off me and he said (detail removed by moderator). I just don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to leave as I’m so scared of being on my own and I will have no money or anything as we are renting and he gives me money xx

[Girl01]

@scarecrow thank you so much for your reply. I just feel so lost. My anxiety and being on edge is getting worse. I’ve spoke to him about the sex and he just laughs and says it’s not rape as I was moaning even though my body language says it all. I just don’t know what to do I’m too scared to leave and be on my own and I will have no house and no money. My babies are also stopping me as they love their dad to bits.

Thank you so much and my inbox is always open too.

Big hugs right back x*x

[oceanpebble1]

Hi I’m not sure whether this is the right place to ask but wondered if I could get some advice?

I have my own house and a (detail removed by moderator) year old daughter. I have split up with her dad but he refused to leave the Houae because he wants to see our daughter every day. He is a great dad to her. Eventually after this happening many times I changed the locks. Since then I have been trying to find a way she can still have a relationship with him. I am happy to arrange times and places when he can see her but it is not the level of contact he wants. He came to her birthday party at the house (detail removed by moderator) (I thought we could be adult about it) but at the end of the day he refused to leave again. Said he wants to see our daughter every day. When I said I wanted him to leave he threatened that if he left we would never see him again. Obviously I don’t want this for my daughter but I feel cornered. He said he wants me to let him back in (detail removed by moderator) (as he went to work) but I have just messaged to say I can’t. I’m just confused as to whether this is abusive or whether this is just a desperate dad trying to have a relationship with his little girl. The problem is the whole situation is really wearing me down and I feel exhausted and ill

[Footballfan1]

Hi,

It is abusive, he will use your daughters relationship as an excuse.
Remind him plenty of parents split up and manage a healthy relationship with their children without living together.

My ex is exactly the same, I’ve put my foot down from the beginning, about him not living in the home.
He has tried all sorts of things to get back in the house to live.

He will guilt trip you, make you feel wrong and guilty, but don’t give in.

Months later, my child has told me that my ex planned on locking me out if he got back in.
Yours could try the same.

Don’t let him in the house again.
I kept letting my ex in and it resulted in physical assaults, threats of assault, I had to call the police.
I won’t him in the house any longer.

[oceanpebble1]

Thanks so much this is really helpful

[Reallyconfused]

Hi there I’m new to this post but not new to the total confusion I feel. I’ve been with my husband for many years. I’ve endured all sorts of abuse whilst working full time as well as enduring abuse from his extended family. (His mother came to attack me and swore at me (detail removed by Moderator) and his sister attempted to attack me (detail removed by Moderator).I no longer have them in my house or speak to them.
Over the years his physical and verbal assaults have reduced (due to my grown up son who has matured and lives with us). My son loves us both but has always defended me and my husband knows he will lose my son’s respect if he continues to assault me.
However now my husband has stopped my elderly parents from ever visiting. I do go and visit them but sometimes would love to have them in my home for a bit. My parents were the only ones to help us financially, emotionally and with the childcare when my children were young. My husband is extremely aggressive, manipulative and loves conflict for the sake of it.
He says it’s not fair that his mother is not welcomed by me. I have tried to talk to his mother but she remains aggressive and manipulative.
She has never apologised and denies ever attacking me.
I just need some clarity please, is it abuse if no relative of mine can ever visit? Am I being fair to stop his mother from coming to the house ?
There is such a long history here and I have suffered so much. My son says I have PTSD from years of abuse.
I tried to leave him (detail removed by Moderator) times but each time he would promise change and then my son begged me not to as he was in the middle of exams.
I would be so grateful for any guidance and support. Thank you so much.

[Somebody]

Hello, I am new to this site.
Someone above said something about keeping a diary. I didn’t want to at the time because the things I wrote would have been too awful and I didn’t believe my own thoughts.
Now, I find that I can’t actually remember a lot of it. I feel it was abusive behaviour, I escaped with the help of a D A charity, and I had no money… so the facts speak. But if I had kept the awful diary, however hurting at the time, it might have helped now as I go through my divorce process.
I know it’s hard. I tried to keep an document on computer, but it had massive gaps. I also have one or two scraps of paper with things written down, but not enough. Try and be brave, while you know it’s bad, or even if you don’t know if it’s abusive but it hurts you anyway, and write some things somewhere, for your future self.

[Rosemary]

Hello girl01

Your not overthinking for the way you feel his makeing your anxiety bad I do feel for you as I’ve been thought the same situation as you please think of your self first your health you deserve to be treated better your anxiety will get better if you leave him never blame your self for his own doings you don’t have anxiety for no reason lovely please reach out to women and and refuge as they can help you also your Gp can help to I hope your okay and things get better for you

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Girl101, yes maybe speak to your GP or message your local Women’s Aid for advice… your husband will say he loves you but it is what he shows you that is real.. his abusive behaviours will affect your children, I thought my 2 didn’t pick up when they were small but of course they did….

Nothing you do will make your husband happy, he knows what he is doing to you and chooses to continue, abusers are not happy people, they can say they are and that they love but they don’t have it in them to love and be Happy, they care about winning. Your husband will never listen to you when you try to talk to him about sex as he wants to have sex with you when he wants whether you want to or not, all control… However, he IS breaking the Law and there are Laws in place to protect you from him doing this. I also went through this with my husband, it took a long time for me to accept he had been sexually assaulting Me. You are right, in a healthy relationship you pick up on body language, also you never need to explain why you don’t want sex, it is your body and yours alone to decide who can touch you. This is something we teach our children to keep them safe, you also have the right to be safe and to say no.
Keep safe ❤️

[Author]

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