Is it abuse or just a bad relationship?

[Anon321123]

I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). We have 2 kids together. We we first got together we both used to drink a fair amount, socially mostly and sometimes we’d argue. Often I’d wind him up but I didn’t always remember the next day. On a few occasions the arguments would become physical. My memory is skewed of quite a few of these occasions as to who started things but I’ve(detail removed by moderator) and he’s thrown me out of the front door, up some stairs and held me to the wall (detail removed by moderator). Like I say I’m not innocent in these things and this was way before marriage and kids.

Since we had kids he’s been through a chain of useless jobs, while making me feel bad that I have a job and later a career. While I seem to control the money in terms of making sure the bills get paid in reality I leave him my bank card and can’t say no to him when he asks for beer and stuff borrowing money to make sure he’s happy. I used to have friends and enjoy going out places. Over the years I’ve become withdrawn and rarely go out now, mainly because I can’t afford it. He’s made it clear he doesn’t like the few friends I have left and we never actually go out together either because he says he can’t face people. He suffers from bipolar disorder which he blames for a lot of this.

I’ve recently started a new career (detail removed by moderator) which he hates. (Detail removed by moderator) I’ll be working shifts. He says he (detail removed by moderator), accused me of cheating and says (detail removed by moderator).

When I first started he moved (detail removed by moderator) and refused to move out because he had nowhere to go and no job. We have a joint mortgage so I have no rights in that respect. It ended where he went for (detail removed by moderator). He’d threatened to kill himself. (This is not the first time he’s said this). He turned up shortly before the police did insisting he had done nothing wrong. The policeman completed a domestic form anyway because we’d had an argument before hand but then he seemed to be ok (detail removed by moderator).

(Detail removed by moderator)  so had a little drink to celebrate and we were just talking and I was singing along to some music when he turned on me(detail removed by moderator). He pulled my hair and knocked my (detail removed by moderator) off before telling me to call the police. I didn’t because he just wanted to have a fight with them. I told him I was done and after a bit he left and went to a mates. I went to my mum’s with the kids the next day but when I came home he was back and acting normally. He’s apologised and blamed me for making him have a drink. He’s now taken to moping about like the world is against him so I feel sorry for him, which I do. I keep trying to help him but Im not getting anywhere. I just want to scream!

I really don’t know if these is abuse for either of us or whether he really just needs some mental health help. Sorry for the ramble.

[Anon321123]

Feel absolutely lost today. He’s accused me of not helping with the kids (detail removed by moderator) even though I sorted lunches, clothes and breakfast out before I went to work. He told me he wasn’t doing the school run (detail removed by moderator). I went anyway and when I got home late due to traffic I’ve been accused of cheating, not trying and apparently I make him feel bad for not having a job. Am I just supposed to wait for him to hit me before I can get out of this?

[N-Survivor]

Hey Anon,
I’m sorry about what you’re going through.

There are quite a few unhealthy patterns of behaviour going on.
– physical violence
– jealousy
– you’re trying to please him to keep the peace
– you’re becoming isolated
– threatening to kill himself (emotional abuse)
– acting in cycles of violence and apology
– accusations / avoiding any responsibility

The ncdv.org website has very useful lists of behaviours that describe emotional/psychological and other types of abuse.

I’d say as a rule, if it doesn’t feel right, trust your gut. Don’t excuse or justify. I wish I had.

[Lifebegins]

Hi Anon321123

No you most definitely don’t have to wait for him to hit you to get out. In my opinion you are being abused; physically, emotionally, financially and with coercive/controlling behaviour.

It was quite spooky reading your post as I practically could’ve written it word for word a while back. I’ve been out quite a while now and I haven’t regretted it for a minute.

I’m not sure from your post if you’re new to the forum. Have you done any reading on abusers and their behaviour. I started with Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He do That by Lundy Bancroft. Both were eye openers for me. And of course finding this forum and getting great advice from the ladies on here.

There is also a wealth of advice from organisations like Women’s Aid and Refuge national domestic abuse.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 keep sharing. we’re here to listen xx

[PaintingByNumbers]

Yes this is so familiar to me too…it is abuse and you must find a way to get out safely. Praying for you. X

[Anon321123]

Thanks both. Yes I’m new here, Have been doing a bit of reading and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s been gaslighting me for a few years now if not longer. I don’t feel like me anymore and I hate that. I’m going to try to finish it with him and hope for the best. It’s going to be massively hard but I think long term it’s going to be better that way.

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